Ash 32...

Have you ever just wanted to have a totally different life? I really do today. I wish I were stronger and smarter. I wish I was less of a procrastinator and more dedicated. I want to speak the Psalms over me and know that God created me as He did. To know that He knows every little and big thing about me and would still share chinese food with me anyways. But I feel so weak and so overwhelmed today. I guess because I feel so dissapointed with myself today that I just assume that Jesus is also dissapointed. But I don't suppose He is. Why do I continue to beat myself up over stuff that won't matter in a gazillion years? I guess cause by doing well at something I can soothe the ache in me that says I'll never be good enough. That as though by sticking with something and seeing it through that I might be achieving something worthwhile. That's absolute bollox though isn't it? The irony is though that even in my last minute striving at greatness, I always carry around in the back of my mind that I won't actually be able to finish whatever I've sought out to do--whether it be school or a relationship. Funnyness. Well back to the striving...hopefully I can stop soon though. Meh.