Ash...no comment...
I didn't know what to call this blog. Even as I begin typing I don't know what to write. I've been back in Canada now for almost 2 weeks and I've been avoiding blogging because I know that having to form thoughts will force me to confront myself. Everyday the looming question remains, "what are you doing with your life Ashley?" I wish it could be so easy to answer. I'm definitely not avoiding answering this question because I'm enjoying this current state of rest--I AM NOT ENJOYING IT. I am restless and I just want to get on with it. I keep throwing around all my options and the pros and cons of both and when it comes down to it all I want is to know clearly where God has for me to go. My heart is so torn. I feel called to Winnipeg but I have no money to move there and no job or place to live if I somehow hitch-hiked my way there. I love Tobago and Lindsay really wants me to lead a LifeForce team there next year to train up this other girl to lead the following year. I don't really want to lead another team but I LOVE being a missionary, I want to help Lindsay and the community of LifeForce is one place I feel like I actually fit in. I have alot of debt from doing correspondace school and I still have a couple of classes and practicums to complete. This is why I didn't want to come back from Tobago. I knew that there were many questions that would require answers once my feet hit this ground. No more avoidance or sweet ignorance. I just want to know fully what I'm to do. I just want someone to lead me. I know that Jesus has a plan and I know that He wants to lead me. So what is my problem then?..............................................The problem is that either decision--whichever choice is the right one--will require the sacrifice of the other and I don't want to face that. I don't want to let anyone down or disappoint anyone, but either place will mean something else will have to wait. Moving to Winnipeg means that the vagrant, missionary lifestyle will have to rest and that I will be leaving my safe, comfortable community of LifeForce, and I will be placing Tobago in someone else's hands--hands that may not love it or invest in it the way I do. Going back to LifeForce means that the heart for native people that God has been birthing in me for the last year and a half will have to lay dormant and that the passion I have for fulfilling the dream God has given me to open up youth centres that use the arts to reach out to at-risk young people will stay burdened up in me.
I'm afraid to leave LifeForce. I'm afraid of being alone with a dream in Winnipeg. I'm afraid of living a life that is empty of passion and risk. My soul cries for passion and risk but my flesh is terrified of it. What if I miss out on the revival that God is going to bring to Winnipeg? What if the next Tobago LifeForce team leaders don't.....I don't know.
I'm going for a walk. What do you think the chances of me getting mugged in Swift Current at midnight are?
I'm afraid to leave LifeForce. I'm afraid of being alone with a dream in Winnipeg. I'm afraid of living a life that is empty of passion and risk. My soul cries for passion and risk but my flesh is terrified of it. What if I miss out on the revival that God is going to bring to Winnipeg? What if the next Tobago LifeForce team leaders don't.....I don't know.
I'm going for a walk. What do you think the chances of me getting mugged in Swift Current at midnight are?
posted by Ash-Am at 10:31 PM
2 Comments:
ASH! Did you not learn from my blog!?! Do NOT go out late at night walking by yourself....I wonder if you are even alive to read this right now...just kidding...I know God isn't done with you yet on this earth even though you don't know what the next step is; I fully support you either way even though I'm selfish and want you to come to Winnipeg!! haha! but cereal...you need to call me soon or else I'll track you down in Swift! Are you still coming out this weekend? Love you and I can't wait for us to have our 256 hour tea together! Amber
Wow! Sounds like you got some choices to make. I'm glad you made it home safe and i would love to spend some time with you one of these months to hear all about it, your Tobago journey that is. Ashley, sacrifice is a part of our lives that is never going to change. But God does require it of us every so often, or always depending how you look at it. You'll be fine whatever you choose, your in His capable hands and He will look after you. And what if it works out so that you can do both? He'll work things out to His will, just submit you heart to Him and walk with Him. Even if it's at midnight.
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