Ash 43...if only I'd known...

So in the spirit of "love" here's my blog of the day. Today I had a conversation with a friend. We were both remarking at all the recent engagements of many of our friends and the craziness of that. Then he asked me at what age I would like to get married...I kinda hummed and haa'd around the question because really only in the last little while did I even think I wanted to get married. I basically told him that I was glad I hadn't gotten married before now, and that I felt more and more ready to get married these days, and that I'm busy with my life and I'm not really settled enough to committ to someone. That conversation coupled with another incident today really got me thinking about marriage. Now, let me set a couple of things straight--first of all I havn't seen a ton of healthy relationships, nor have I had alot of great examples in my family and life. That kind of makes me consider how "worth it" the whole idea of marriage really is. Secondly, although I know so so SO many awesome guys, it's a whole different ball game to conceive actually marrying one of them. Finally, I actually enjoy being single. Maybe it's because I'm a control-freak (hah, just kidding) and like making my own decisions, or because I have alot of goals and am quite focused on God's plan for my life. Either way I enjoy making my own decisions and only having to worry about me. Maybe that sounds selfish, but me just having me seems to make things more simple in my head. Then this afternoon God spoke something to me. I was thinking and thinking about marriage and how my life just doesn't seem ready for a relationship. God then interupted me with these convicting words: "Ashley, love is not meant to be convenient. It is not such that it waits for you to be prepared. The truest, most sincere and beautiful love is that which sweeps you off your feet and fills you with wonder. Suddenly life just arranges it itself and you find that there is someone who actually gives you hope that relationships can work out, that there is someone out there for you, and that you'd actually rather be with this one than single and alone." That's still a scary thought that I'm trying to make sense of, but what really scares me is that is might be true. That there might actually be a happy ending and I would have to discard of my skepticisms. Meh, I'll think more about this later, but tonight I face the fact that I may have fallen already and that it feels beautiful. Oh my goodness.