Ash...gahmuhomeesokoeee...
Yes that is how I feel today. I am currently perched on the top bunk of one of the girls on my team and have finally found a wireless internet connection in my room. It has taken a LONG time and is a weak connection but it will be sufficient and I rejoice! Being on the internet reminds me of how much I suck at emailing. I have so many people I need to reply to and send emails to. I used to be really good at keeping in touch but over these past few months I've just really cone downhill. If you are one of those friends and are reading this please know that I do love you so much and please don't hold emails as an accurate rating of my love.
So Trinidad. So life. I had a dream last night about love and I woke up feeling more like myself than I have in weeks. As a leader I sometimes just get so removed from really being myself. Maybe you can relate? Maybe you have a job or a position or are in a place right now where you aren't really being yourself. I think we get so used to wearing a mask of convenience. I don't think we truly want to NOT be ourselves...I think we just get busy or caught up in our current situation that we neglect to really experience our own flesh or blood that pumps through us. Maybe I'm not making alot of sense, but I know I woke up this morning very aware of my skin--aware of the uniqueness of who I am and who I want to be.
We (our team) spent the last 2 days fasting and praying. I didn't eat from Monday supper till yesterday (wednesday) supper. I really wanted to just spend time in the presence of God and speak to him and be captured away by Him, but it didn't really happen. Nathan had our time really scheduled so that the people on our team that have a harder time with just spending large solid amounts of time focusing would be helped but it actually was way harder for me. I really wanted to just spend hours waiting for Jesus to speak and be able to pray out for all the people in my life. Overall it was good--Jesus did speak some really amazing things to me and it was actually quite a victory for me to fast for so long. But I longed for my own life. For a cave.
I've been thinking alot lately about this cave idea. I think it's so enticing to me because of the freedom a cave represents to me. No running water, no electricity, an atrocious number of bugs, in the middle of the forest--just feels so free to me. I'd have nothing but everything. Just stripping everything off so I could think clearly again and feel truly again. I have a good life and I am blessed to be where I am right now, but some days I just feel trapped in the monotony of responsibility. I am responsible for so many practical things as well as to uphold a certain charade. A leader, a christian, a logical caretaker--I miss the freedom from expectations. I miss my cave. I've been having tons of flashbacks lately--mostly from Africa and right after my breakdown in Calgary. I think I've been flashing back to that because in the midst of that utter brokeness I was so real. I was real about my deepest desires (sinfull and holy) and it opened up a freedom in my life. Things were so hard during those times, but I was Ashley in all my wretchedness. I was destroyed but there was something extravagantly beautiful about the pain. Beauty in ashes.
I hate the charade. I hate the mask I put on. I love the real Ashley. So why don't I let her live. In all her errors and honesty.
Time to shower and stop lazing around. Things to do, people to call, expectations to fill. A cave to find.
So Trinidad. So life. I had a dream last night about love and I woke up feeling more like myself than I have in weeks. As a leader I sometimes just get so removed from really being myself. Maybe you can relate? Maybe you have a job or a position or are in a place right now where you aren't really being yourself. I think we get so used to wearing a mask of convenience. I don't think we truly want to NOT be ourselves...I think we just get busy or caught up in our current situation that we neglect to really experience our own flesh or blood that pumps through us. Maybe I'm not making alot of sense, but I know I woke up this morning very aware of my skin--aware of the uniqueness of who I am and who I want to be.
We (our team) spent the last 2 days fasting and praying. I didn't eat from Monday supper till yesterday (wednesday) supper. I really wanted to just spend time in the presence of God and speak to him and be captured away by Him, but it didn't really happen. Nathan had our time really scheduled so that the people on our team that have a harder time with just spending large solid amounts of time focusing would be helped but it actually was way harder for me. I really wanted to just spend hours waiting for Jesus to speak and be able to pray out for all the people in my life. Overall it was good--Jesus did speak some really amazing things to me and it was actually quite a victory for me to fast for so long. But I longed for my own life. For a cave.
I've been thinking alot lately about this cave idea. I think it's so enticing to me because of the freedom a cave represents to me. No running water, no electricity, an atrocious number of bugs, in the middle of the forest--just feels so free to me. I'd have nothing but everything. Just stripping everything off so I could think clearly again and feel truly again. I have a good life and I am blessed to be where I am right now, but some days I just feel trapped in the monotony of responsibility. I am responsible for so many practical things as well as to uphold a certain charade. A leader, a christian, a logical caretaker--I miss the freedom from expectations. I miss my cave. I've been having tons of flashbacks lately--mostly from Africa and right after my breakdown in Calgary. I think I've been flashing back to that because in the midst of that utter brokeness I was so real. I was real about my deepest desires (sinfull and holy) and it opened up a freedom in my life. Things were so hard during those times, but I was Ashley in all my wretchedness. I was destroyed but there was something extravagantly beautiful about the pain. Beauty in ashes.
I hate the charade. I hate the mask I put on. I love the real Ashley. So why don't I let her live. In all her errors and honesty.
Time to shower and stop lazing around. Things to do, people to call, expectations to fill. A cave to find.
posted by Ash-Am at 10:52 AM
3 Comments:
Ashley, I loved the rawness of the place your in. I will pray for you that you find your real self and embrace it, thanks for the update you are too wonderful.
Ashley, I love you! You as Ashley Neustater, I love your open honesty, your graciousness in my life, your heart. Be blessed, may God continue to lead you and guide you as you walk out in the giftings he has given you.
Hey Ash!
Ahhh...I still haven't emailed but I'm so glad you've blogged! Talking to you the other day was AMAZING! esspecially after that clinical (that same pt who was stashing her drugs was chasing me down the hall this week).
I was thinking about your blog the last couple of days and wondering how leadership works...I mean; is it normal be removed from really being ourselves? For all of those people who have been in leadership for years and years...has this feeling just become apart of who they are? Or is it apart of growing into who we are...Is it always supposed to be this uncomfortable?
I never have answers...just only questions. Love you and missing you soo much!!
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