Ash 47...what I need...
"Too much of a good thing is wonderful"--May West.
I have this coaster in my room that has that quote by May West on it, and many times in the past couple of years I have looked at it and not really understood. Sure I get the "everyone loves good things" mentality, but I have questioned it's truth. However over the past couple of weeks, that idea has come to mean a great deal more. Jesus has been challenging my "desert" concept--that everyone walks through dark and dreary and wretched seasons. I do believe that difficult, sad, and really hard times enter each of our lives. Situations outside of our control, or as a result of our own stupidity, enter into our lives and attack our souls. The thing I've realized is that those times are in no way absent of the presence of the Almighty God. The coolest thing is that in that most awful moment when I am at my absolute worst, Jesus desperately longs to be with me. I've actually become quite grateful for the really hard times in my life, because those are the moments I become most aware of my desperate need for Jesus in my life. I wish I could be more consumed with Him in and out of season, but it seems like something about dark times awakes our deepest need. When I was in Africa, I spent one whole month in Zambia and it was one of the hardest times in my life. Physically I had malaria twice, I got ringworm, I had to eat the worst food ever, and my team got attacked by killer-death-fire ants. Spiritually I was also struggling. One morning I woke up and really didn't think I was a Christian anymore--which is a serious weird thought for someone who IS committed to the will of Christ in her life, and who was working as a missionary of sharing the gospel of Jesus. But I had entered a place of aloneness. I allowed the circumstances around me to dictate who I was in Christ. I wasn't really spending time with Jesus, I wasn't worshipping Him, and I was paying more attention to what I "felt" than to what I "knew". Then one day something remarkable happened. I was laying in bed and a feeling I had never known and cannot just create, rose up in me. It was an ache and the longer I layed there the deeper and more consuming it grew. It was this aching desperation for something I didn't even know. And as it reached the point of actual overwhelmingness the only thing that came to me was, "Oh Jesus, I need you even more than this." These days that really has become the theme of my life and I pray that it would grow even more deeper and desperate. "Jesus I need you". I just finished leading a Street Invader team and I can't even recall the number of times I cried out of need for Jesus or I could not go on. Like Moses I say, "Lord, if you do not come with me I will not move one step from this place." (paraphrased Ash) It's unfortunate that I have to come to those low moments to realize my desperate need for Him. This morning in my devotions I was thinking on how I want to DWELL in the presence of God--how I want to be consumed with Him in every area of my life. I'm finding that the more of Jesus I have in my life, the more I see who I really am. At 21 years old, it's strange to think that I'm finally becoming me. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, too much of a good thing. The more time I spend in the presence of God, the more time I want to spend there. The dark is still as dark and the rain still falls just as hard--but the Ashley is different. The Ashley hums in the darkness and dances in the rain. That's the kind of life I want to live. The kind of life I can live in Jesus. It's the kind of life I need and am committed to. Jesus I need you right now or I cannot and will not move from this place. How wonderful it is that He is a Jesus that passionately desires to be with me forever. Ok I'm done. Just had to get that out.
~Ash
I have this coaster in my room that has that quote by May West on it, and many times in the past couple of years I have looked at it and not really understood. Sure I get the "everyone loves good things" mentality, but I have questioned it's truth. However over the past couple of weeks, that idea has come to mean a great deal more. Jesus has been challenging my "desert" concept--that everyone walks through dark and dreary and wretched seasons. I do believe that difficult, sad, and really hard times enter each of our lives. Situations outside of our control, or as a result of our own stupidity, enter into our lives and attack our souls. The thing I've realized is that those times are in no way absent of the presence of the Almighty God. The coolest thing is that in that most awful moment when I am at my absolute worst, Jesus desperately longs to be with me. I've actually become quite grateful for the really hard times in my life, because those are the moments I become most aware of my desperate need for Jesus in my life. I wish I could be more consumed with Him in and out of season, but it seems like something about dark times awakes our deepest need. When I was in Africa, I spent one whole month in Zambia and it was one of the hardest times in my life. Physically I had malaria twice, I got ringworm, I had to eat the worst food ever, and my team got attacked by killer-death-fire ants. Spiritually I was also struggling. One morning I woke up and really didn't think I was a Christian anymore--which is a serious weird thought for someone who IS committed to the will of Christ in her life, and who was working as a missionary of sharing the gospel of Jesus. But I had entered a place of aloneness. I allowed the circumstances around me to dictate who I was in Christ. I wasn't really spending time with Jesus, I wasn't worshipping Him, and I was paying more attention to what I "felt" than to what I "knew". Then one day something remarkable happened. I was laying in bed and a feeling I had never known and cannot just create, rose up in me. It was an ache and the longer I layed there the deeper and more consuming it grew. It was this aching desperation for something I didn't even know. And as it reached the point of actual overwhelmingness the only thing that came to me was, "Oh Jesus, I need you even more than this." These days that really has become the theme of my life and I pray that it would grow even more deeper and desperate. "Jesus I need you". I just finished leading a Street Invader team and I can't even recall the number of times I cried out of need for Jesus or I could not go on. Like Moses I say, "Lord, if you do not come with me I will not move one step from this place." (paraphrased Ash) It's unfortunate that I have to come to those low moments to realize my desperate need for Him. This morning in my devotions I was thinking on how I want to DWELL in the presence of God--how I want to be consumed with Him in every area of my life. I'm finding that the more of Jesus I have in my life, the more I see who I really am. At 21 years old, it's strange to think that I'm finally becoming me. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, too much of a good thing. The more time I spend in the presence of God, the more time I want to spend there. The dark is still as dark and the rain still falls just as hard--but the Ashley is different. The Ashley hums in the darkness and dances in the rain. That's the kind of life I want to live. The kind of life I can live in Jesus. It's the kind of life I need and am committed to. Jesus I need you right now or I cannot and will not move from this place. How wonderful it is that He is a Jesus that passionately desires to be with me forever. Ok I'm done. Just had to get that out.
~Ash
posted by Ash-Am at 6:48 PM
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