Ash...worth it all...

Okay, so I'm going to let you all in on a little secret...I'm losing myself. All the skills and talents that I thought made up my identity are being lost. I was an administrated person--well I've become crazy forgetful and scatterbrained (which is not so good when I am to be organizing an international missions team...gulp). I was a good speaker--well I have become increasingly unable to communicate myself and though God is putting some words in me to share, I find myself stumbling verbally when it comes to sharing. All of these things, and more, that I considered to be something that made up my identity is being lost. I was speaking to the Lord about this and the concern that it is becoming to me and my worst fear was confirmed by Him: He is taking some things away for a time to place in me a new perspective and to restore to me a childlike faith and understanding. It might sound delightful, but the working out of it, as I feel so weak and frustrated, is something else. Co-leading this team has had it's share of overwhelming moments. In Tobago (a place that my heart longs for and loves) I was able to overlook the overwhelming moments because I LOVED the ministry I was involved in. I loved connecting with people. Here in Trinidad it's been harder and different, as connecting with people has proved quite difficult and unfulfilling...and I havn't graped the same LOVE for this island as I have for Tobago. So since coming here 2.5 weeks ago, my heart has been more aware of it's burdened and weak feeling. Today was again a hard day...but at the school we went to for assembly, they had a music room with a REAL PIANO!!!! I just sat and played and worshipped and I probably would have stayed all day if Nathan had let me. Then tonight we had what could have been a very bad situation with our team and while me and Nathan were speaking on the phone with someone there was a girl kind of standing off to the side of a dark side street. Nathan was on the phone so I was just kind of walking around there waiting for my turn, while I just kind of walked over and started talking to her. We make idle chitchat and we worked around to me telling her what I was doing in Tobago. Suddenly Jesus just burst out of my life. She wanted to know about me, and everything just came back to Jesus in my life. She had never heard the gospel or been to a church before so I just shared God's heart for her. She asked me questions, like "well what if I accep this and then I keep doing wrong things?" and so many more and it just opened up an opportunity to be really real with her. She has alot of things going on in her life and I was just able to speak hope and Jesus' love into her situations. We talked about real things--struggles and relationships and living with Jesus and everything--and at the end I asked her if she wanted to accept Jesus into her heart, not because I wanted her to but as her own decision. She said "yeah yeah, I really want to accept Jesus into my life." I then led her to accept Jesus into her life and I can honestly tell you it was one of the greatest moments in my life. I wasn't even supposed to be there at that moment and even when I saw her I wasn't planning on going over and talking about anything with her. But God has other plans. I told Kishell (the girl) that we could think of this evening as chance or as a God appointed evening for her to start her life over with Jesus. After we prayed her whole countenance was changed and I realized again that this message of Jesus, His love, is one of real joy and real life and everything. It is everything. If I lose all ability to do everything--all my organizing, or social skills, or talents all vanish--and I am left as a simple child of God, it will be enough.

Frustrations and difficulties mean nothing in comparison to light coming into a life that was dark. I'll take a lifetime of sleepless nights and bad food if it means I can show another Kishell the way to Jesus. It is worth it. Please share Jesus with the people around you today. They need to hear. More than I can even comprehend, the message of Jesus love has to be shared with people. Blistery heat, malaria and killer ants, monotonous hours sat at a desk, and expectations of leadership--I'll take all of this and more for the rest of my life for the Kishells and Kameels and Rizas and Susans and Ashas of this world. They are worth every tear. Worth every day of dreaming. They are worth staying. They are worth going. They are who I will spend the rest of my life loving Jesus for. Worth it all.