Food + Cold + Sleep = Zombie...................Amber

Free•dom 1. ability to act freely; a state in which somebody is able to act and live as he or she chooses, without being subject to any, or to any undue, restraints and restrictions; 2 release from captivity or slavery; release or rescue from being physically bound, or from being confined, enslaved, captured, or imprisoned

I guess we all fantasize at times about a million different things. And lately I've been dreaming about what it would be like to have complete freedom or what that would look like to me. Like when I think of heaven and having no holds barred on anything I often think of running through a field. And when I run through that field I am never out of breath, I have no pain anywhere and I don't have to worry about my footing at all. It doesn't matter if I'm being chased or I'm the one chasing something. I don't have to worry about pacing myself. Like there is always a reason why I stop when I run. Either I have no more time, one of my body parts hurt, the weather is bad or I'm out of breath or any other reason. And I have to stop.

But I guess life can be like that too at times. Issues like time, money, pain and circumstances can all keep us on this tight rope of balance. To be able to just get off and "run" ahead and follow everything that your heart is telling you to do without having to worry about all of the issues. To not have to be worried about your "footing" or if the next step is right/safe. To just go ahead and do everything because your energy will last. To give your everything into your passions without worrying about conciquences. Lots of risks...

Anyways...this makes a lot of sense in my mind and maybe to other runners...but I would really be interested in what people think/dream/fantisize (I hate spelling that word because I think I spell it wrong..) about when they think of freedom. I've started a list. Maybe it's not that important, but it's sure really interesting

Ash...no more sleeping in...

Let me tell you about the brilliant, extravagant, number of hours I've been able to spend wrapped in my blankets, asleep in my bed. It's been lovely. Knowing that sleep will soon be back to a minimum I havn't felt very guilty spending so much time asleep. As soon as I am awake though, since Sunday, I have had so much work to do. I'd forgotten how much work it actually is to figure out what you need to take with you when you travel. Plus I have to try and make sure our team will have everything we need as well. Me and my short-term memory are not enjoying these tasks. If anybody has any ideas of things I might be forgetting to bring please let me know...also I have to bring recipes/ideas of things to make to eat, so if you have any SIMPLE ideas please email me...ashley@lifeforceteams.com Back to work...

Deck the halls....with both fists!! Amba

Mwuahaha...just kidding. Today marked the first and last day of Christmas shopping for me! Woot woot! I spent it with my sister and my friend Stefani-Raine and it was CRAZY! Can't even describe! It's just something about malls that just IRK me. ("IRK"(verb): to cause great annoyance beyond one's compacity to remain in a normal state; to "freak out")
So many things went wrong and so many worries came out; stress was running rampant through my veins! (Dramatic pause)THEN! STef's phone dropped into a puddle and is presently unconscious and we suspect permanent brain damage. So we talked things out with God (some call this prayer)and a lot of truth came out about today and what God is doing in our lives. So I'm thankful today for God being the God who controls all circumstances and lets me finish my Christmas shopping even though I left my debit card at home...
Just a few more rainbows Lord...

Alright?...Alright!.... Amber

I've been meaning to blog all week and seeing as it's Friday...it's probably time! haha.
Argh. This week has been horrid. For not really any aparent reason except that I've just felt so emotional without really feeling emotions. Just like walking around in a glaze of instability. Luckily I have some pretty amazing and understanding friends (extra thanks to Ash, Aimee, Stef and Jay) who have had the grace to just say "oh Amber" and probably not thinking too much less of me.
But if I could thank God for anything this week it would be for the refuge YFC has been! As much as I get stressed about support letters and scheduling conflicts, once I"m there it's just so very good! I can't even explain it. IT's like trying to find God in this complicated world becomes simple. The maze becomes an open field. I'm there. I need God. The kids need God. And that is all that needs to be known.
Done

Ash...happy 22nd birthday to me...

Well well well. This time last year I was making a brilliant list of 21 things I wanted to do whilst I was 21. To be honest, I'm not even sure where that list let alone what it said in it, but I know that this year has been hard and transformational, and good. So without further ado, here are the 21 life changing moments of age 21.

1. Moving to Dave & Erin's house.
2. Having Katie move away.
3. Going to visit Amber in Winnipeg.
4. Quitting my job at ATB/Saying goodbye to the friends I made there.
5. Quitting cell group at my church/Saying goodbye to the friends I made there.
6. Having Fieshae die.
7. 5 cent candies from the convenience store in Marlborough.
8. Moving everything I own back to Swift Current.
9. Counselling at Keddleston.
10. Becoming friends with Amy.
11. Leading a Street Invader team with Joe.
12. Hearing prophetic words from God again.
13. Starting to draw again.
14. Starting to write again.
15. Dog sitting.
16. Going back to Grassy Lakes in Canmore.
17. Ministering to the homeless at the Drop-In Centre.
18. Going back to LifeForce to lead a team.
19. Becoming friends with Nathan.
20. Playing the piano in worship service.
21. Hearing God's will regarding the next part of my life.

Basically these things have changed my life and been used by God to do more developement on my character than ever before. Even as I made the list it was so much more the people involved in all of these situations that influenced the person I have become today--Amber telling me to write, Katie calling out prophetic worship in me, laughing with Amy, Nathan's honesty and grace, late night conversations/ice-cream eating with Melissa. I could go on and on about each of the homeless people I've met, every Street Invader and LifeForce student I've gotten to know, the East Indian lady at Mac's, the people that love me at my church, and the cherished life-long and new friends I've made. I'm extremely blessed. This year absolutely did not turn out the way I would have expected--and not worse or better. It turned out exactly as it should've. But if this is who I am today, I look forward with hope and a little bit of fear at the person I will be by my next birthday.

Which I will likely celebrate in Winnipeg. (Amber is a hoser.)

From the streets of Winterpeg...Amba

Don't you ever love the days that seem like dreams? Where you end the day thinking, "Did today really happen? Because it was so strange...". I've just gotten home from 4 days of wondering around Winnipeg and I can't really remember what I've done (no I was not intoxicated) but I think I got some things accomplished and it was good indeed. I also thing that one of my most favoritest things is waking up and not knowing where I am. BEST feeling ever!
Okay I want to address something. Some people think that I"m a Scronge because I'm not the greatest fan of Christmas for many reasons. Don't get me wrong. I love Jesus. I love that Jesus was born. But Christmas has become something that is not of that.
But I realized that all the people whom I've been missing for the past four months are coming home...and that I might be driving out to Regina to see another close friend who also blogs on here occasionally and that it will be an amazing time of seeing all the people that I've missed while "living life" a.k.a. school.
I like that too. It's like the part when being patient has paid off and that I can see that there's something actually good about it. Amen!

Ash...home...

I am now home in Swift Current for Christmas holidays. I have so much to say, but I have not yet had any time to process the last 3 months so instead of typing something barely comprehensible, I'm just going to wait and then let you know how I am. Hmmm...the ending happened so fast that I forgot to acknowledge it and now everything I am is trying to figure out how I ended up sitting in this basement. Maybe even more scary, I'm trying to figure out who it is that sits here. I'll let you know.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzz...AD

It's after midnight and I"m really tired, but I can't shut my mind off. And I had decided not to blog today just because it's been a bit much lately but I really like the picture thing. I would love to have a journal just for pictures. I would take one picture a day (no more...no less) to represent what I thought of the day. Maybe I can do that onlineeee. Anywho...I'm blogging...gotta keep ahead of Ash anyways (wink wink).
I could write a book on today. It was great! Great run outside but we almost died of pneumonia (you know...the attacking kind), followed by BEST exam in the world, then found out I can play college ball next year, which then lead to a great night at YFC!
I found out that in days when everything is going great I always have trouble finding God's finger prints. Swept away in the excitement/perhaps gittiness of the adventure of today I spend too much time talking about Him and not enough talking to Him. I know that it's old news...but it's important; so I will say it again.
When in the end all I want is Him. Forget school, forget sports, forget missions...
It's all You

P.S. I found my missing mitten today! Woot X2

The appropriate mooning....Amber

Well...what has God done in my life today? It's sometimes hard to find when you are so unfocused and having to study. It's esspecially hard to find good thingssss...BUT last night was kinda coool. I had rearranged my room for the first time in forever and I just noticed that it's the same way I had it when I was a teenager. And "back in the day" whenever I would go to bed the window would've be in such a way that the moon would light up my bed. And God had always used the moon to comfort me when I younger (silly I know...). But I was having a rough time studying and some other things came up and I didn't have a near adequate time with God that day...So I slipped into my bed at 1am and I noticed as I was falling asleep that the moon was shining on my face I knew that God was with me!
P.S. woot woot...2 exams left!

Yes I'm over 18.....Amber

3 exams down...2 more to go...yeah that's right...take that exam! Heehee...today was GREAT! I wrote my exam, went for a run, Christmas shopping, visit with an old friend...AND THEN...
Okay so I commute to Winnipeg and everyday that I drive into the city I pass this amazing prison (maximum security). And everyday I always want to go inside. I've lived in Stonewall for like 16 years and I've never been inside which is pretty lame of me, I admitt. BUT today I did NOT drive by and I turned on my right turn signal and I drove my little Escourt right up the hill to the entrance. I wasn't sure what I was going to do or accomplish but I wanted IN!
So I go in thinking that there must be some kind of information desk or offices or something...No. I walk in and there's four armed guards with this huge security entrance with bars behind them. SO COOOOL!!Then these guards were asking me what I wanted and all of a sudden I was asking about job/volunteer opportunities and of course they all thought I was on crack and asked me how old i was. Maybe it was because I was on the verge of some major giddiness or maybe because I had some geeky glasses on...I dunno,. The one guard didn't even know what to do so he gave me a number to call (which turns out to be someone I know...STef you know who...).
Anyways that was just such a feeling...to you know...do something you've always wanted/meaning to do. I dunno! God was just like...lets do it! stop talking about it and do it! So many things in my life I want to stop talking about and actually do. So I would love to volunteer once a week or something or I have no idea what's happening next. I should be getting a phone call tonight!

Ash...p is for procrastination...

I have a number of things I should be doing right now: putting the finishing touches on my chapel speak tomorrow, working on Christmas presents, but instead I'm hoping that procrastinating by doing this little questionairre will help me refocus my brain from the land of daydreaming...


A- Age of your first kiss: I was in my first fist-fight when I was 7...
B- Band you are listening to right now: I'm listening to "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie and "A Plain Morning" by Dashboard Confessional
C- Crush: Is there actually anybody honest enough to put the name of the person they have a crush on, on the internet? I surely am not.
D- Drink you drank last: I had some water at Amy's
E- Easiest person to talk to: Probably Ambrosia or my mom (now "favorite person to talk to" is a whole nother story...:P)
F- Favorite ice cream: Rolo...I want some right now!
G- Gummy worms or gummy bears: Worms
H- Height: 5'7"
I- Instruments: Piano...I did play the tenor saxaphone for one horrendous year in grade 7 though
J- Jelly Flavor: Strawberry!
K- Kids: No I do not like children.
L- Longest car/bus/plane ride: Consequetive hours I'd have to say a 12 hr bus ride to Kamloops...but my entire trip to Africa took like forever.
M- Major issue: Loving people.
N- Nicknames: Actually Newspaper, Shlee, Ash, Hash-Pee, Splashly...
O- One wish: A hot-air balloon ride
P- Phobia: I like Amber's answer...my phobia is probably the fear of doing something that screws up someone else's life
Q- Quote:

"The greatness of a man's power is the measure of His surrender."
~William Booth

and

"The greatest commitmrnt I can make in my life is to discover my desire for God and indulge that passion with all my soul."
~Larry Crabb

R- reason to smile: the dream of future snow-man-making and outdoor ice-skating
S- Shoe size: Um, anywhere from 7 to 9
T- Time you woke up today: Noisy apartment woke me up before 9 am, my alarm went off at 9 am, and I actually got out of bed quite some time after 9 am
U- Unknown fact about me: I absolutely LOVE the Soda-licious candy's
V- vegtables: Cauliflower, mushrooms, and cream-corm...lol
W- Worst Habit: Procrastination is probably one of my worst habits too...and most people have no idea how bad I am
X- Xmas gift you really want: My student loan paid off...and a tele-porter so I can visit all the people I really want to see that live too far away (Kaye, Am, Joy...etc.)
Y- Your dream date: Anything with the one I love would be perfect.
Z-Zodiac sign: Let's change this stupid question with..."zero:" My answer would have to be people never asking me how I'm doing. I feel bad for the person who finally asks me cause I got quite the answer stored up...lol.


Well I surely am not refocused or motivated to do some tasks. I actually kind of want to go for a walk. I think I will go for a walk. Maybe the fresh air will be good for me...

I totally stole this idea.....mwuahaha....Amber

Who can guess that I'm in the middle of studying for exams>? ADHD much?!?!? But who can resist a great survey right ash?!? (and this one doesn't come close to the one we made up. God is showing me daily who I am and sometimes it feels like it changes daily...

A- Age of your first kiss: 20
B- Band you are listening to right now: "Penelope" (acoustic) by Saosin...oooOO and now "The only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage" bye Panic! At the disco
C- Crush: n/a
D- Drink you drank last: water from my beautiful Nalgene
E- Easiest person to talk to: Hash pee...or Aimee or steffie
F- Favorite ice cream: peanut butter chocolate
G- Gummy worms or gummy bears: worms
H- Height: 5'6"
I- Instruments: piano, flute,
J- Jelly Flavor: raspberries
K- Kids: haha I don't have any children...what exactly is the question?
L- Longest car/bus/plane ride: well it took us 4 days to get to Zambia by plane...but I guess our longest flight was 12 hours
M- Major issue:Comfort
N- Nicknames: Argh...Hamburger, Ambrosia (only you ash), Dyck, Dyckie, Shmamber
O- One wish: Constant flow of coffee by IV; flow rate 1000ml/hr
P- Phobia: 9-5 jobs and settling
Q- Quote:
"'Not called!' did you say? 'Not heard the call,' I think you should say. Put your ear down to the Bible and hear him bid you go and pull sinners out of the fire of sin. Put your ear down to the burdened, agonized heart of humanity and listen to its pitiful wail for help. Go stand by the gates of hell, and hear the damned entreat you to go to their father's house and bid their brothers and sisters and servants and masters not to come there. And then look Christ in the face, whose mercy you have professed to obey, and tell him whether you will join heart and soul and body and circumstances in the march to publish his mercy to the world." -Booth, William
OR
"Either sin is with you, lying on your shoulders or it is lying on Christ, the Lamb of God. Now if it is lying on your back, you are lost; but if it is resting on Christ, you are free, and you will be saved. Now choose what you want"- Martin Luther

R- reason to smile: a secret fart in the middle of a presentation
S- Shoe size: 8ish
T- Time you woke up today: 9 am...
U- Unknown fact about me: I'm a top secret reporter
V- vegtables: HATE them frozen
W- Worst Habit: procastination (hence me blogging right now)
X- Xmas gift you really want: Peace, no school, salvation at the drop in, visit with Ash, and a hug from my grandmas
Y- Your dream date: Hmmm...a hardcore hike into the middle of nowhere, hoping on a random bus, or chili at Sigs with fire and stars (oooOOooOo and the moon)
Z-Zodiac sign: :p
now back to studying....................

hey I think I figured something out.....

whoa....pictures....

Aren't all knees made out of chocolate?....Amber

I realized yesterday that I really enjoy nursing. I spent like half an hour in the lab with one of my instructors practising how to work a safety pin only using tweezers and foreceps (for a sterile dressing change) and I was so entertained! Haha! I guess you know you enjoy something the more geekier you get...
But as I've been getting deeper and deeper into this whole nursing thing I keep asking myself whether nursing is something you do or something you become. Eventually I WILL BE a nurse. Or what is the balance with that? But as I was thinking about this...if my identity is in nursing (which is really what i"m asking) then what I'm worth depends on whether or not I pass my Restoration exam on Monday. But it's so hard to keep what you do from creeping into the genetic make-up of who you are. But that nursing is just a tool that God wants me to have, in order for Him to accomplish whatever He wants to accomplish here on this earth. And that this isn't who I am. So if it's not about me "being" a nurse but instead about God working out things in His Kingdom here on earth, then school looks a lot different. It's actually quite a spiritual experience! Hhaha...which seems like a werid conclusion to come to.

Dooola do (msn sound).....A-to-the-M-to-the-B.....

Oy!
Today had a poopy start as I almost joined a three car crash on the highway and also that me and God had a repentence session because I'm such a whinner when it comes to having to stick around for school... geez do I ever write about anything else?
But I was at the drop in center tonight and I just love being there. Just to be in that place I feel a different kind of freedom! Something about these kids seem so open and honest to be who they are; rather than mask themselves (as you can see in a lot of youth kids). Okay I need to be more specific. Like tonight there was this one new girl and she was all bubbly and cute...but someone had written a big "L" on her forhead in pen as a joke. I watched her for like 15 minutes and she was making a few comments about her being a loser (even in just a joking way). So I took her aside and slowly started to wipe the pen off from her forehead...while explaining how beautiful she is. Then I took a pen and wrote "beautiful" on her forehead and she showed everyone in the drop in center! I mean looking back I could've mentioned the whole Pslam 149 and how beautiful God thinks she is...because that's the REAL amazing part...but these kids are just SOOOO easy to love.
hmmmm......

Merry Jesus-mas?!......Amber

Okeee I know I haven't blogged in a while and that EVERYONE is busy so I really have no excuse....but I rarely have to sleep never alone blog. And even though I've failed so many times on so many levels today ( I can see the list visually....) but the moments that shone through are these:
1) Finally having coffee with an amazing friend named Crystal! WOotWOoT! Tim Hortens will never be the same...but cereal; so inspired by her and her love for her son and Brandon.
2) I changed my room around and it is so different that it seems like I"m somewhere else...like Balmoral...hahajk
3) I didn't accidently flash anymore OR nurses...always a bonus.
4) That even though I may have said the wrong things, wasted valuable time, and gave into distraction today...that tommorrow IS a new day with no mistakes in it.
My heart is dry, my body is weak and my mind has left....but You are it all.

Ash...round and round...

I've been reading through my old journals and what I'm finding is so strange to me. Since I became a Christian in Grade 10 I have basically struggled with the same things: being who Jesus created me to be, being strong in weakness, feeling guilt over being inadequate, pursuing Jesus with everything I am, etc...don't get me wrong, I have grown in all these areas and I am not the same follower I was 8 years ago, but I'm still working on different areas of the same major themes. That's strange to me. I wonder if I'll ever gain complete victory over these things while on earth? Jesus brings these things up almost cyclical. I find everytime I successfully walk through something I am closer to Jesus, so maybe that trend just continues till I get to heaven...what do you think? Do you find that you kind of deal with the same themes in your life? As far as I know Jesus never promises to remove the storms but here's to hoping that He'll continue to clothe me in Himself to help keep the rain out. Hmmm...