Ash...Saturday...

Basketball + Used Christian Bookstore = A Good Afternoon

Quote of the day:

"Christians welcome brother Death. My body has had many shapes: that of a foetus, that of a babe, of a child, of an adult, of an old man. It has sometimes been healthy, sometimes sick. Why should I worry about the fact that the body wil take the shape of a corpse? I am not my body; I will remain. I am indestructible."

Ash...happy...

It has been a weird couple of days. Jesus really spoke to me at Young Leaders's Conference this weekend and I feel like the the weirdness that I have been living in for the last like 4 months (since I quit my job and started gypsying around the country) has lifted in a way. I havn't felt like myself the last couple of months. Maybe it was just due to the changes that were taking place in my life (starting LifeForce, quitting my job, moving like 9 times in 3 months) but I just have felt disconnected from myself. I think something new was birthed and restored in me the last couple of days. I didn't even go to alot of the classes and stuff. All of the speaking, confronting, and encouraging was truly done by Jesus. I feel like I'm truly being made whole. Maybe this barely makes sense and it's kind of random, but I'm starting to get excited to dream again. Excited to wait for the adventure that Jesus has for my life. And I'm realizing that today is part of that adventure, so I'm taking an extra moment to chat with that homeless guy infront of Mac's, taking extra time to hear someone's heart pains, spending an extra breath on my face before Jesus. This is my life. I am Ashley. Today is a good day.

Whom have I but you? Amber

So, I've been really irratible lately. And I haven't been able to figure out why...I've been running, eating/drinking healthy, sleeping lots!

Finally this morning on the way home from church some answers came out. I am just so frustrated with my life and where I'm at right now. I'm frustrated where I'm at with my character and with my impatience. There's all these passions and desires swarming my head and heart. This past week I was working on this application for a school in St. Anthony, Scotland and I really want it to work out...Then I had my patient from Nunavut and I got to actually see Nunavut through this mother and through tele-health! Then I watched Braveheart (for the first time)and I thought my heart was going to jump right out of my thoracic cavity! I just want to be in a place where I do see God's hand heal...the captives do get set free...steps of faith are radical!
To be able taste the air of heaven. I'm tired of just reading about these people who know what it feels like to be where I want to be!

So it turns out that not every passion is Godly...and that our flesh has passions of it's own. My heart has always been so easy to distract. And the more irritable I become the farther I feel my character is to where it's supposed to be. I want to know that God could send me to a ministry or a place where everyone hates me and that I would have the faith to stay.

So someone spoke to me directly today that God wants to teach me patience and trust. And more than me knowing that for the millionth time since I've started school, I can feel it. I can feel my dreams being shattered and so out of reach. I can feel my character flaws pull me closer into the person I never wanted to be. Oh and being patient is like running past the limit of my lungs and legs capablity and then adding another 2 miles. IT's SOO hard to trust my dreams in God's hands because my heart is so set on them...so dependant on them.

So after this person shared that with me...they also said that it's the same patience and trust God is teaching me now that will be used when I am sent out. Even though learning will never end...these years of preparation will one day. And that really hit me today and gave me peace. That the only change will be situational and that God cares more about my character than "my minsitry". The same patience I have learned in school will be used in prison...etc.

"Whom have I but You, Lord? Though the questions asked, may never be resolved...Whom have I but you?" -David Ruis

The most spiffiest day ever......Amber

I was sitting down tonight after eating suppr and I realized that I would give almost anything to relive this day. It was AWESOME! I had my last day at my peds clinical and my patient was from Nunavut! HOW COOL IS THAT?!? He was only 2 months old and the mom didn't speak much english, so I ended up sitting in the room in silence. I hear that some inuit people will just sit together in a room in silence...not doing or saying anything. It's so incredibly intimate and I think I was much more uncomfortable at first than the mom. Ah! I fell head over heals in love with my patient! He was SO beautiful! And then we did something called Tele-health and it's basically like a web camera except higher tech, with bigger screens and much more power. So the mom and the pt got to see this hosptial room up in Nunavut and all of their family members and talk to them! There was like 20 people all crammed into this room and they were speaking in thier own language and laughing and it was such a moving moment! I could see the tundra in the background (outside the windows) and the waves crashing on the shore. And then all of these happy faces crowded together!
Then I was talking to this girl who was in the hospital for Anorexea Nervosa and she ended up teaching me how to play crib and I taught her how to do the bridge when you shuffle! She didn't have any crib pegs so I went downstairs and bought her some. We had some good times today. It's so encouraging to have good times in such tradegic situations. like a 12 yr old starving herself to death.
But I really miss my patients and my instructor talked to me about having theraputic relationships where you cut them off when the job is done (even just mentally). Like I probably shouldn't have bought that girl those pegs. And I can't stop thinking of my little nunavut baby. So much attachment!
Then I was stuck in Winnipeg for an extra 4 hours and I wasn't sure what I was going to do. But I ran into a friend at Starbucks and we hung out and just had a blast! We went to Safeway to buy baking supplies and tried to make brownies by memory! It was just so random and delightful!
Thank you Lord SO much for this day! Help me to focus on tommorrow!

Ash...feeling blue...

Hey I just wanted to drop a quick blog and ask that anybody who reads this and knows me to just say a little prayer for me. I just found out about a really serious family concern and it's breaking my heart. I have so much on the go right now with LifeForce and all that that entails, plus I have some pretty big financial problems right now as well. So if you think of me please say a little prayer for my family (my brother in particular) as well as my financial concerns and my LifeForce stuff. My heart is in alot of pain and I just need some hope and some love right now. Thanks guys...

So what if my fingers have tips?......Amber

Ah I think that I just about published nothing. Silly enter buttons are out of control.
So yeah how's it going? feels forever since I've been at this blog. There's so thanking to catch up on! Here's a list:
1) Being shown the amazing people in your life and not taking them for granted
2) Promises to look forward to.
3) That emotions aren't the measure stick for anything in life
4) More days of rest Lord!!

So yeah. The last week I've just felt so distant from all of my closest friends and I've been struggling with some things with this new job/ministry. So I've just felt so alone with that. But I"m SO incredibly not alone and that's just a really nice surprise.

After reading Katie's blog-thingy. i really like the idea of asking questions at the end of blogs. So what I would like to know is....
When it comes to youth ministry (or ministry in general)...what is the best way of knowing when you've crossed the line from minstry to entertainment? Do you know what I mean?

Ash...You spin me right round baby right round...

Okileedokilee. I am so out of my mind. I have just spent the last gazillion hours looking for drama's and I'm about ready to crawl under my desk. My "job" with LifeForce is pretty crazy right now with getting ready for students on Sunday. It's so easy for me to get burdened and overwhelmed with all the stuff to do and all the things not really worked out, but I'm just trying to remember that Jesus is truly in control and He's not worried. The perfectionist in me want to just do things well and have everything work out perfectly, but I'm learning that things don't always go well and sometimes I am not in control, and in those times I need to be content to hum as I wait in the darkness. I've felt like I've been waiting in this darkness for some time now. It's not necessarily a scary darkness or an evil darkness--it's just a darkness of waiting for something that I don't even know. And so I learn to just hum in this darkness, I wait for my eyes to be adjusted, and I wait for Him who satisfies to bring that which satisfies. So yeah, praise the Lord. He knows it all--He knows what I need, when I need it, and what I'm to do in the meantime. Thankfully He's in control because Lord knows I sure am not. :-) Today I am thankful for:

1)...being alive. I have good friends & family. I have a place to sleep and food to eat. I am in the will of God. There's nothing like being alive and being made alive in Him.

The Day I met Eric the Great.....Amber

Hey there...thanksgiving eh? Well basically I'm thankful that I could sit in Brandon and eat/sleep all day and not have to think. AMEN! Nah I love my family and it was great to see them ALL.
I was walking along Portage Ave last Friday and I was having a ROUGH week. It was a few minutes before meeting a friend so I decided to walk to the bank to get some cash. I was walking along and all of a sudden "Eric the Great" blessed me with his presence! This man from downtown Winnipeg walked with me for a good half and hour and shared with me his thoughts about God (and also why God has made him the most perfect being to walk the earth). And I was so encouraged...because even though he was off on quite a few details...He talked about having the fullness of Christ in him and what that meant in his life. Then I asked what Jesus was to him and he just stopped and looked at me in shock (that I would even ask such a question) and he said, "Jesus is reality". And I started thinking about what that meant or why I would remember that out of all the things he told me. It's not everyday where you meet someone who is as perfect as Eric the Great! haha...but I think God can show me/us Truth in any way shape or form.
But yeah...that's alll

Ash...now where am I...

So here I am in Swift Current, SK. Every weekend I'm travelling somewhere and I wish so badly that I could just sit somewhere and be at home. My body feels so disconnected from my heart. I realized today that I havn't really had any alone time in like 2 weeks. I'm also so busy these days that I don't even know how to manage my time effectively. LifeForce starts in one week and I still have so much to prepare before then. You know what though, I really shouldn't complain because there is alot of really great things in my life. Every Tuesday and Thursday we have leadership classes at LifeForce and this last Tuesday Pastor Lorne Tebbutt came in to teach on servant leadership. The class started off with Pastor Lorne asking each of us about our experience with leadership (with our parents, pastors, police, etc) and how we would rate the experience on a scale of one to ten. My rating wasn't really appropriate because the contradictory leadership I've experienced with one end being the lack of parents growing up, and the excellent Christian mentors later on. However in the middle of my story, Pastor Lorne injected with a really random question: "Do you spend time being creative?" We weren't talking about anything even remotely related to art or creativity or anything and everybody kind of looked at me strangly. I was sure I heard him wrong so I asked him if he could repeat the question. He repeated the same question and just sat there looking at me. Nobody in the room knows that I write or draw or anything like that. I am most definitely a closet artist as most of you reading this know. So I told Pastor Lorne "no", and he asked me why. I told him that the answer I give other people and myself is that I don't have enough time, but that the truth was that I really am afraid that I'm not good enough and that I'll just be judged by others and by myself. It was the funniest moment, because just that morning me and Jesus had been discussing why I hadn't been writing lately and I told Him that I was just busy. Pastor Lorne then began to prophesy and encourage me. He told me that he gave me permission to be creative and that it was wrong of me to not use the gifts that God has given me. He told me that I need to bring my closet worship into the open and not be afraid to sing or dance and write and draw out in worship before community. It was a crazy moment. So that night I went home and began to draw again. It had been quite a while but it felt so releasing to be moving that pencil across the paper. So even today while I sit in Swift or in the absolute busyness of next week, I am so content because I have truly worshipped the Lord with the gifts that He has birthed in me. I'm definitely still working through feeling confident to share my "creations" with others but it really has been a cool thing Jesus is doing with me in this area. Also like the day after this whole thing happened, my amazing friend Katie emailed and asked me to draw something for her so I've started working on this piece for her that I actually really love. It's cool to be able to think of her and pray for her, really to seek the heart of Jesus for her, and then see how that manifests itself on paper. Anyways yeah, that's where I'm at today.

What gifts has the Lord given you to use to worship Him? Are you using them? If no, why not?

Horrified.....Horrifying? ACK.....Amber

Well it is now been the first 45 min of Wednesday Oct. 5 and I already know what the best part about today will be...WHEN it's over!! BAH! I just got home from the hospital and I haven't even started on my three surprise assignments due tommorrow. So all nighter here we come! So why am I even blogging right now? Denial. Amen! Another thing to be greatful for! haha! But cereal...I have a 12 hour shift starting in 6 hours and then I shall crash.
But I think that this onpouring of the homework has really been getting to me and making me worry about my involvement in YFC...which is stupid because of many things. But God has placed some of the most amazing people in my life recently. Just people who have come up to me in this past week and told me that they felt like they should support me ( and these are people I barely know...and don't know really that much about me). I've stopped trying to understand what is going on because who am I really but a unorganized student?
So what do I have to say? Tommorrow will be good! All the work will get done. And these 19 hours will go by never to be seen or heard from again (until next wednesday...mwuahaha). Amen and good night

Ash...

So I am back home now from the longest weekend ever. Apparantly it really does take 9/10 hrs to drive from Calgary to Estevan. I felt so removed from my heart all weekend--almost like I was a robot just going through the motions. The wedding was actually amazing and Meryl was so beautiful, but my heart has just been in a really cold place here in Calgary for the last little while that it felt like for the weekend I just got to leave my lonely heart in Alberta. It's kind of funny really that in the last year I have spent ALOT of time alone and now I have NO time alone whatsoever. Not having room-mates or a car resulted in alot of time to spent introspectively, but since June I have been thrown into "community" in a huge way and my whole being hasn't really been the same since. In many ways I almost feel more alone now than before when I really was alone. On one hand I have made some great friends in the past couple of months that I have been OVERJOYED to spend time with and that helped make this summer one of the funniest summers ever, but I am so unsettled right now and so much going on in my head and heart that I feel alone in not being able to really share everything that's going on in my life with someone. I think that's what lonliness really is--not the absence of people but really the presence of lots of people around all the time but having none of those people care about how you are doing. I am blessed though to have the couple of friends that do care about me and that are available for a good hug. And I really think that this time and place can be a catalyst to open my heart to it's truest need for intimate relationship with Jesus. So yeah, that's where I am today. I have to now go and move into the dorms where I'll be living for the next 2.5 months--I'm so excited to be able to stay in one place for that long after my 8 moves in the past 3 months...Gah! Oh yeah the few really great things about the weekend was this:

~Seeing old friends and hearing about how God is powerfully moving in their lives
~Having my heart opened and excited for the day I'll get to be married and in love
~Jesus speaking some much needed words into my life

Yah for that.

oh my swiss feces!........Amber

Ah I have no idea how I can start this blog. so much has been happening these last few days and now that I can finally talk about it it all seems crazy. I have decided to take a postition that was offered to me a while ago and God has really been confirming this decision in my heart. But for the past couple of months since God's taken me out of youth, inner city and college stuff...and just about basically everything...I've been trying to be in a place where I only need God to validate who I am as a person. To be frank, it's SO easy to take the things you do and the ministry you're invited into (by God) and use that to define who you are. Once everything is gone, you feel this ache because you've relied on so many other, imperfect things for so long that it feels like having God in your life isn't enough. So at the beginning of September all of these opportunities came rushing at me and I wanted to do them ALL!! But I knew I had to say no because of where I was at and with what God was doing with me. And God spoke a lot of things to me last weekend at the 24hr worship. So last week I get this phone call with the job offer and I went down to the center and it was AWESOME! Cereal! Everything just clicked and peacefull excitment came. The director asked me about vision and all of this stuff came out of my mouth! I have no idea where it came from! So these past few days have been about looking for confirmation and it's been hard because it feels like I'm torn between my head and my heart and logic when all I need is a yes or no answer from God.

And this morning I asked someone to pray for me about a decision that I needed to make (didn't tell him what it was about). And he stopped and looked into my eyes and told me that I needed to choose my heart. And not that it is about this person (whom I greatly respect) but just in my heart I needed God to tell me that it was okay to follow my heart. That passion is never a waste and that yes even though I'm in school, that He is preparing me still. AHHHHHH!!!!

Don't you love music? Possibly one of my favorite things God has created. So of course I'm driving home and these lyrics hit me:

So I throw myself upon all that you are
'Cause I know you gave it all for me
And when all else fades
My soul will dance with you
Where the love lasts forever

AHHH!! Even though I have no idea of anything... I will throw myself upon everything You are Lord!! Everything else DOES fade, and my soul will dance with You forever and it will always be You and me!! I'm not a youth pastor...I'm not an evangelist...I am not a program director...I will just always be Yours.
Just in case you are reading this and you don't know...GOD IS SO WONDERFUL