Ash...argh...

Argh. How many times should I start this blog? I can't make good sentences.

Thankyou God for your bigger plans. I will praise you despite the weather of my spirit.

Please bless my desires. I want them to be Yours.

I promised to do whatever you wanted. I promised to go wherever you wanted.

So I will.

Despite my 5 loaves of bread and 2 measly fish. You can make it into something great.

I hope the same for my offering.

I love you Jesus.

Ash...4 weeks later...

Isaiah 55:8&9

"My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

This verse has been reverberating through my heart and thoughts and life for most of the last 12 months. It came to life these last 4 weeks. The one thing I really didn't want to do this summer was go to Kedleston camp and be a counsellor. I was scared and felt weak, but obedience won out and I went where God told me to go. That was 4 weeks ago. Four beautiful, wonderful, God-glorifying weeks ago. I praise God that His thoughts and ways are so beyond mine. If he had given me what I thought I wanted I would have missed out on something far better. Almost every morning I would wake up at camp and have this overwhelming joy sweep over me at the realization that I was actually being able to live this wonderful life that Jesus gave me. It was a hard month, and very tiring, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Jesus chose to use me to love some of the craziest kids on earth, I got to prophesy and pray for so many teenagers, I got to laugh and laugh and laugh with some of the most wonderful people ever. I made new friends that changed my life and reunited with old friends who are so precious to me. MORE THAN ALL OF THAT--I saw Jesus move on kid after kid after teenager after almost teenager. I saw walls break down and worship begin to happen and destiny's revealed. I LOVE THOSE KIDS!!! I really really do. Even being able to witness Jesus reveal the deepness of His love to them was a greater blessing than I deserve.

The last 2 months I really wanted to WANT Jesus. I didn't want Him to just fill a need in my life, but I wanted to desire Him with all I am. Whenever I worshipped or prayed or thought about Jesus I kept calling out a hunger to HUNGER AFTER HIM. Last week I had the most amazing day--I water-tramplined with my kids, laughed so hard I almost cried, went canoeing and swimming and ate ice-cream. I hung out with 6, 7-9-year-olds the whole day, and on my way to the washroom to rinse lake slime off my skin I was overcome with one of the most beautiful realizations of my life: I AM COMPLETELY SATISFIED IN JESUS. I know that I have many things in my life to work out and I am not immune to slipping back at times to things that take God's place in my heart, but I DESIRE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. If I had charted my own path this summer it would not have brought me to camp, and I would have missed out on the best summer of my life yet. I honestly could type forever about the things God has taught me and the things I saw Him do in the lives of other people and the manifestation of His glorious Love on others...I could do it forever. But camp is over, I have to finish my laundry and then I move on to Street Invaders. There is more Jesus today...there is more love to give and lessons to learn. I am still tired and my heart is still aching for camp, but God is so unimaginably good that I would follow Him anywhere. To camp, to SI, to Winnipeg, to India (ask me about that when you see me...) because I know His thoughts and ways are so beyond mine--they are perfect.

Jesus sometimes I think you must be crazy to choose to glorify Yourself through us weak, irrational, non-understanding creations. But I am starting to grasp that it really is the deepness of Your perfect love that You desire to use us and mold us and pick us up again after we fall. I praise you that you love us so much that you don't let us avoid going where we don't want to go, but that you continue to lead our stubborn hearts into your presence. THANKYOU for this month. THANKYOU for this life you've given me. THANKYOU for being my life. I can't wait to end this blog, and smile and remember that You are who I will spend the rest of my life with forever. I love you and want you.

Did you know it's National Stilt Walking day tommorrow?!?!.......Amber

Life is like walking on stilts...
what? No it isn't?!?! hahha...but tommorrow IS national walking on stilts day and it's going to be great! Because i have stilts that my grandpa made for me when I was a kid and I'm going to walk on them all day long!

Sometimes it's overwhelming to write in a blog. To edit your thoughts into something readable and honest. I'm not sure how to describe this last month. All I know is that I'm in the middle of understanding a message that God has been trying to get across to me for years....but that the process has been difficult, and I've been stubborn. It's funny how pain can be so effective in changing one's ideas. Also, it's almost like I'm getting my life back from world of "ministry" and "programs" where being overworked in order to keep an organization running is rewarded by feelings of guilt and inadequacy. I'm ready to reclaim my life and hand it back over to the God who loves me. Long story short...

Dramatic? Probably a little. The summer has been painful but very fruitful I guess. I needed to be pushed over the edge a little in order to make healthy boundaries. Needed to be fed up enough with the way I'm living my life....so I'd change. I'm now moving to Winnipeg, quitting one of my jobs and reordering my life. SO excited!

Street Invaders is this Friday...Oh la! It's going to be a crazy ride...See you on the other side!!

Nothing but everything....Amber

All I Can Say
David Crowder Band

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Ash...exhausted...

As I sit in front of this computer I am consumed with 2 thoughts:

1) My eyes are so tired that I almost can't believe they won't feel like this forever.

2) I really want to be alone with Jesus.

I have been at camp now for 2 weeks and...it's been hard and wonderful. My frist week I was on fire and ministered tirelessly for my girls. Worship was wonderful and I felt on top of the world. Then this last week happened. I got a cold, I had girls in my cabin who didn't want to open up to me and God started to confront some sin in my life that I am terrified to look at. I guess the good thing is that He's killing my pride again...delightful. I left Kedleston at 5 am this morning, drove to Calgary, and leave Calgary to go back to Kedleston at 5 am tomorrow morning. Then I have to be a counselor again for 2 more weeks. Then three more weeks of Street Invaders. Then I move to Winnipeg, start a new job, find a new place to live, and start a new life. I actually broke into tears while writing those last 3 sentences. I feel overwhelmed and empty and alot of pressure from the camp I work for to be a golden counselor. (And pressure from myself) Jesus has been speaking to me very clearly these past 2 weeks and started reviving some of the giftings he put in me...I've been praying like crazy for other people, I've been sharing words that God gives me for people, I've been worshiping, but in the midst of it all I just want to run away and spend some alone time with my Father. At this camp I have to be with my campers 24-7 and I hardly get any sleep at night so getting up early to meet with God is so hard. I really want God to meet with my campers this week. I desperately want the to experience His overwhelming love. I want to be able to love and inspire them the way Jesus does me. But I feel so at the end of my rope right now. I also have a girl in my cabin next week who right-to-my-face doesn't like me...I really love her but she has some hidden problem with me that I don't understand. She's my junior counsellor...someone I'm supposed to speak into. And right now I don't have anything nice to say. I have nothing to say. If you are a Christian and you read this please pray for me. I want to be like Jesus to these kids. I have seen God move powerfully in so many of their lives and I've been so encouraged by seeing some of the seeds I've sown burst forth with fruit. I want that to happen again this week as God moves on my kids. I really have been having a great couple of weeks and I love ministering to people, but I really need Jesus to fill me up.

I have some amazing miraculous stories to tell, but I'm tired of blogging so all you get is my weariness. I'm sorry. Hopefully you'll see me soon and I'll tell you some of the fabulous things I've seen happen in people's lives these last 2 weeks.

Please be honest with God. I don't know where that came from or whether or not it is for someone who reads this blog, but I just know that we spend so much time trying to put on perfection in such a way that people won't see our insecurities, weaknesses, and sin. Don't hide any bit of your soul from Jesus. There are not different levels of hiding...you're either hiding or your not. Maybe that's for me....hmmmm...

Seeing through my fingers into the fog.......Amber

Oy it's been a week of wonders. Wondering if it'll ever end! mwuahaha! just kidding, that's not true. Stretching. Lots of stretching. Inadequate...much inadequacy on my part. Day camps have been interesting with my planning strategies being even more interesting. I have spent so much time running around like a maniac that I wonder when if I will ever have a chance to sit down and give my ear to God. Always tommorrow right!!

Enough babbling. It has been about two months since I had to make my last major decision and being in my early 20s obviously there will be more decisions to come. But ever since I started this job as a Health Care Aid, my life has been changing...and there is plenty of change to come. One thing that I am glad that God has been showing me...is that uncertainty is not the enemy. It FEELS like everything I have done in the past 3 years has been done in uncertainty. I cannot remember the last time I felt like I knew what I was doing. Maybe that is the life of a student....I do not know. Because Hebrews defines faith as being sure of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we do not see. But the context talks about being certain of who God is and the promises (Salvation) He keeps for us. And besides...as much as we fool ourselves...what, outside of God, is really ever certain anyways...

I am reading a really good book by Erwin McManus called Seizing Your Devine Moment. He actually wrote a whole chaper on uncertainty. One point that I liked was when he said:

...so it is important to note what God does promise and what He does not. He promises we can be certain about who He is and we can be certain about our relationship in Him, but how the journey plays out is full of uncertainties.

Haha...that is something that I could totally get excited about!!

What do I know...
I know that whatever decisions I make...I want to be moving in a direction that places me in the arms of the God who loves me. What I do is becoming more irrelevant while how I know God is becoming everything to me.

Silence can't really be the key........Amber

Ah this blog won't be long. For one thing I'm sticking to this desk because of the CRAZY heat in this office, and secondly I need to go to the washroom.
But this week has been insane! But I had an amazing drive to work today. I was just driving and out of the middle of nowhere this passion came back to me; a passion that I thought that I had lost (back when I started school 3 years ago...haha just kidding). If I were better at describing things like this...I would in great detail, because I know that you would probalby know what I"m talking about.

Anyways, I started working at my new hosptial job. Haha I have very little idea of what's going on but things seem to be working fine. LOTS of interesting patients. This morning was a slower shift and I found myself bored for the first time. Haha even all the patients were too busy to talk to me! Except for this one older lady who was in isolation. I really liked her when I was working with her, but she didn't talk at all. Actually had absolutely no reaction to anything I did, but her eyes were amazing! I was so enchanted by them; I knew nothing about her, and she couldn't tell me anything! I came back later and just cleaned her room and started singing a song (hey I was in isolation, and she wasn't going to complain!) and she turned around and smiled at me. Hah I didn't know what to do because she finally did something and so I pulled out a Bible that was in her drawer and read her Psalm 37 and 1 Cor. 13.

After reading the "love" chapter I looked back into those eyes and I just imagined all the people in her life that she had loved. Husband, childrend, friends....a deep 1 Cor 13 kind of love that is so lasting. And I thought of how much more amazing that is than my moment of passion this morning in the car.

That brings me to today. I have been a planning QUEEN this week (I've taken a picture just incase this is a once in a lifetime expereience), but this mysterious patient of mine just brought me to a point. The point is is that I want to see at the end of my life...that I have loved DEEPLY the people who are in my life. That even though I wasn't the most organized or effective or passionate or remarkable.....that whoever was in my life, I loved fearlessly.

Those were some crazy eyes....and I finally feel like I"m ready for this summer of ministry.

Word on the street.........Amber

Ah it's been a crazy week with so many things happening....so I have offically been outblogged by the lovely Ashley Lynn Neustater!! You had some pretty sweet blogs, Ash!! And something that was even better than your blogs was seeing you yesterday in Swift!! It was just way too short, but our last pit stop made it all worth it...wink wink.

Top three God moments of this week....

1) THE Evan Ross Moffat of Winnipeg is now offically my new studdly boyfriend and I am so pumped!! I wish you could meet him....if you did, you'd say, "wow Amber you're so lucky". He has made my day, everyday this week! He's so patient and it's so hard to believe that he puts up with me...it's kinda miraculous!! But now he's gone tree planting and I'm sad...

2)Stefani-raine Allan (where's your middle name?!haha) is the one person who has known me since the days of kindergarten, and she's still as amazing as she was when she shared her Barbies with me. I got to create some incredible memories with her this weekend in Saskatoon! So restful...so niceeeee

3) I got a job at the hospital I want to work, at as a health care aide (casual) and I'm so excited about working there for about a million reasons! But mostly it's because it's a north end community hospital and I want to nurse there in emeregency one day! Thank you Lord!!

It's been a great week...Good times...from God...more please....

Ashley...run down the aisle...

Ok, I started a post earlier in the day before I left the house and I was just in a horrible frustrated mood. All week I've been reminded that I'm disappointing my family by moving to Winnipeg, I have bills that need to be paid with money I don't have, and that I don't have a "suitable" answer to "where are you living now?". This morning I thought the answer to my frustration was needing to be alone. How desperately were there moments in the past 5 months when I just wanted to be in control of my own life--going were I wanted to go, eating the foods I wanted to eat, being responsible for myself alone. Technically I've kinda been alone this past one and a half months...vagabonding all over western Canada. But I've still been very involved in others lives--thankfully. I am thankful that I have the family and friends that I have--that will house me and feed me and I've had some great times with all of them this month. But I just haven't felt like myself most of the time. That was the burden on me this morning, but my afternoon perspective is different now. I went to a wedding of a childhood friend this afternoon. I was so afraid to go. I hadn't talked to Jessica in like 5 years and I was always the wallflower in our whole group of friends. I sat beside people at lunch in high school who have no recollection of me. So I was so afraid of running into all these "strangers" and awkward moments. I arrived, found my seat and beheld one of the most beautiful weddings ever. This was one of the moments I realized my morning "freak-out" was incorrect. Then came the dessert reception. An really good friend from long ago took pity on me and asked me to sit at her table with her cousins (all cousins of the bride). I knew most of them just from knowing Jessica, but none of them knew me. There is where I met Annie and Ben. They are actually siblings and I had two seperate conversations with them that blessed me incomprehensibly. Annie did YWAM this year and told me about how it changed her life and how she loves missions. She told me about growing up in a missionary family and how she is still discovering herself away from that. We talked about Africa and Calgary and church. Then her brother Ben sat down beside me. He told me about his heart for missions and his plans to do YWAM this next year and we just talked about missions. These people are basically strangers to me, but when I got into the car to drive away I almost cried because through them I found what I've been searching for the last month and a half.

There are more people, in Canada at least, who have a similar heart for Jesus and missions as I do. My LifeForce community or Calgary church community do not hold them all. There are men and women all over who want to be missionaries and live spontaneously and by faith. I've felt so attacked in alot of ways this past month for my lifestyle and my desire to go somewhere JUST because God called me. I JUST want to worship Jesus. I JUST want to pray. I AM NOT ALONE!

I thought I wanted to be alone this morning because I'm actually tired of hearing that living by faith is not cool and I'm tired of trying to explain why I don't care how cold Winnipeg is. This afternoon I got to remember who I really am. I was able to remember that I LOVE the LIFE that JESUS is in me. I was able to be excited for Winnipeg and thankful for Calgary and hopeful for my future as a missionary. I want to feel free to be the person that Jesus is making me into--I am not an annoying perfectionist, I am not an overemotional weirdo...I love the poor and brokenhearted and people who are desperate for more of Jesus. I am in love with Jesus.

I don't want to be alone. I want to meet strangers and discover who Jesus is in them. I want to make new friends and pursue Jesus with them. I want to worship with people and pray with people and laugh till I can't breath with people. This is why I want to do what I want to do and why I want to be like Jesus. I want to get married! Earlier this week I didn't think I actually wanted to get married anymore...but I actually do. To someone like me...crazy and passionate and less afraid than me but still afraid a little. Someone who will chase Jesus and the lost and everyone we know with Love. Someone funny and spontaneous. Who loves Jesus, prays and worships and discovers. Ok, this was NOT supposed to be a personal ad but I'm just getting carried away.

The point is this: I am excited for life. I am excited to hear what Jesus will tell me today. I am excited to meet new people this summer. I'm excited to discover how Jesus created me to pray. I am excited to see old friends and talk about Jesus. I am excited for Winnipeg. I am excited just to be alive and live and love. How great is Jesus to give us such full lives. So much potential and hope. I know that there will be dissapointments and frustrations, but living with Jesus greatly outweighs those.

Thankyou Jesus for today. Thank you speaking to me at the wedding and for renewing my vision. Thankyou for breathing Your breath of life into this day. I'm such a grumpy pants sometimes that I wonder why you put up with me and then you just shower your grace-filled love again on me and I bow astonished. You are my One. I love you Jesus. Amen.