Ash 30...sometimes...

Sometimes I have such dissapointing conversations with boys that for a moment I am back at age 20 when I hardly wanted anything to do with boys. In those moments I don't even want to sit next to them on the bus. The real true out "I think I might get married" has really only come to be in the last while, but sometimes I just think that I'm too emotional or introspective to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone. Don't get me wrong--I have so many guy friends who are being grown into awesome men of God...like Jake, Murray, Derek, Jordan, Greg, etc (and these guys love Jesus so much, they are sweeties, they are all around fantastic, that they do inspire hope in me)...but sometimes it just feels to overwhelming to imagine actually being in a forever type of relationship with any of that whole gender. I'm comfortable with me...I know me really well...Jesus I love...He's great and I trust Him. But you throw some unexpected, seemingly incomprehensible gentleman into this mix and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel that way with most of the great, amazing guy friends that I have anyways. Enough of that. There are papers to write and no time to think about these things. Goodness, God bless all of you in relationships...I take my hat off to you (when I'm wearing a hat). I think maybe high-fives all around would be more accurate. Okee.

Ash 29...yah for unexpected laughs...

The funniest thing is that usually I would be crazy stressed out right now with school, and work, and the fact that my phone doesn't work (still), but I've actually had some good laughs these last couple of days. Today I had a great evening. I found all the sources I need to write my paper tomorrow, I went to a "stampin' up" party (I know I'm a geek), and then me and my friend Brandyce purposefully got lost whilst listening to awesome music blaring. I laughed so much and so hard and just had so much joy. It felt nice. It was like for a half an hour I was able to escape normal life. There was no work tomorrow, or not phone not working, or no lonliness. For half an hour I was nameless and burdenless, and it felt wonderful. Anyhoo, the only downpart still remains that my phone is not working and I have so many phone calls to make. I also havn't had a real conversation with my friend Amber for what seems like years. Hopefully my phone will work by the time my nonexistent husband and children and I go on a family trip to Disneyland so I can call Amber and as her to come by and water the plants while I'm gone. AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha.

Am...29?.. I always forget what number we're at...

I have a paper due tommorrow and it's almost 10:30pm and I'm jsut about ready to start! :) so I'll be having an all nighter tonight, but I thought I would write in before I lose my mind! Haha! Noo...I'm actually not too stressed about it. Once you've decided to stay up all night and the fact that you KNOW that you will get it done, peace comes...Just breathe....haha. Good song. Today rocked because it involved talking to a friend who I haven't in a looooong while and Chinese food with mom....and hopefully another awesome convo in a few minutes! But I also fell asleep in the sunshineeeeee....
Ah I know I should be completely stressed out about EVERYTHING that needs to be done but if I go through it all while missing life, then where's the point of me doing these things? I don't know

AM- 28....And the youth lived happily ever....

after?? Haha maybe not entirely, but for the most part. I work with an amazing group of kids at a church in my home town...and we spent MONTHS planning this Dinner Theater and it finally went through this past Sat (hence the lack of typage). And from Friday afternoon until Sunday late Sunday afternoon I spent every waking minute with these kids, working through this weekend and it could've gone extremely horrid and it WAS very stressful but in the end we are all the closer for it! :) I actually have a confession to make. The wonderful ladies who were cooking for us were pretty stressed b/c we didn't have a final head count for the evening so I finally gave them the not-so-random number of 55 people. Well Sat afternoon comes and turns out that we have sold more tickets than what we had food for...so we found out how many people were actually coming vs. how many people just bought tickets and we were over by a bit but it was going to be okay! And then I get a phone call from my mom's friend and she says that she's bringing like 8 people! And I was like okeeeeee.....we really have no more food. But I called her back and told her to bring them anyways....and then I get another phone call about another two people coming and these phone calls just kept coming! And I was the only person who knew about these "extra" extra people and in the end there was exactly the right amount of food and people there! WHEW! Let me tell you how I kept that a secret for a while! What God really did show me this weekend was that TRULY love (God's love) is what counts and that even if I put on the most successful, well run Dinner theater in the world that without love it is NOTHING! That our 2 months of working would be NOTHING! And that revelation is honestly the only thin that got me through this weekend...haha I woke up this morning with a "hang over" or what felt like a hang over and I'm still trying to recover but it's ALL good b/c it's ALL GOD

Ash 28...a laugh down memory lane...

I just spent a good while laughing at myself as I remembered some of the most ridiculous things I've done in my life. If you've known me for any length of time I sure you have a story of your own of a time when I was ridiculous. I never figured that I was "blonde" or a fool, but man oh man, I really have done and said some things that I can't even believe were done or said by me. So funny. Anyways other than that this day has been a little stressful. But at least I havn't had to leave my house. Haha. Okay, enough.

Ash 27...Ho hum...

I thought I'd quickly blog now while my day is a little bit better. I woke up in a bad mood and progressively maintained my grouchy mood throughout the morning. Then I went to write my exam and call Telus about why my phone was disconnected. (One of the reasons for my grouchiness) But the day actually got better for the afternoon. I went for lunch then did some shopping at the best dollar store on the face of the planet with a good friend Lisa Knapp. She made my day today. It felt so good to just talk to someone. Anyhoo, so I thought I should just blog now before my day gets worse. Tonight I'm also going to Saturday night church so that should be shmool. A'ite. That's all for now...

Ash 26...SO FUNNY!!!!...

Today was one of the best days I've had in a really long time. That is extremely hilarious to me considering the fears that tried to strike me down in attempts to stop today from being so good. Jesus is so good. I know that there are many people out there who don't know how great and good He is. I know many people won't believe me. But I know fulwell with all my heart and soul and being that He is amazing and perfect. Hmm...this morning when I quit I had one of the best conversations I've ever had with my boss. And basically since that conversation things have not stopped being great. Even with a few tough moments of telling my coworkers, I have been very blessed today. Here's the funniest story of the day. So I work for MasterCard, but over the last year and a half I've gotten kinda a reputation for a'ite at drawing and sketching and stuff. Basically just for holiday dept parties and stuff. But this afternoon my boss comes to my desk and asks me to meet with her. So I follow her to her office and she begins to tell me that in the new office that we're moving to there's this big bulletin board and it's all designed on paper in writing already, but the need someone to just sketch it out on paper to give to the contractors. LOL!!! So I end up spending half the afternoon just drawing out Mastercard logo's and such. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!! LOL!!! While my boss was sitting there explaining what she needed me to draw and printing stuff from her computer, I had to hold in laughter and believe you me as I walked away I laughed so hard. Like hello?!?!? Everyone told me not to quit early because Susan might fire me...oh wait actually she had me drawing pictures for her all afternoon instead!! Oh my gosh!!!! So so so funny. I grow more and more grateful for Jesus in my life everyday. Amen to that. Amen to Him. Blessed be Your Name. Amen.

Ash 26...part 2 of 2...

So it has now been approx half an hour since I quit my job. Let me introduce this by stating the scripture of my day, and possibly the rest of my life: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Praise the Lord for that! Quitting this job was so much easier than I could have imagined. And I am so glad that I was obedient to quit so early. My boss was so so so excited for me, she really encouraged me for what a good job I've done while working here, and she was so appreciative that I gave more than 2 weeks notice that she almost cried. She was really so appreciative that I had been considerate and unselfish enough to not hide it from her. Also, by quitting today I gave up my promotion, which would have meant a larger title and a couple hundred extra dollars. But it turns out that somebody else would have missed out on the promotion. They had a "runner up" for the senior position but if I had taken this and then quit a couple of weeks from now, that girl would not have received it at all, as the position would have been open to anyone in all of ATB Financial. God just totally knew what was going on, and I am so glad I listened to Him. It was super hard, and my flesh fought with me the whole time, but He never gives me more than I can handle. His promises are 110% true and His ways 110% perfect. Now I just have to tell my co-workers, lol!

Am-25..........One word...

Grace.
That's it.
That's all that made my day a day from God.
I started out with some amazing devos...but by the end of tonight anything that resembled me being a reasonable person just deterioated. I was blessed to have the right people around (people full of God's grace)
I am gratful that this is not the life I was meant to live and that this is not forever! AMEN
I'm grateful for ALL of the kids in my youth...as much as they drive me insane! :) I will miss them so much.
Good night

Ash 25...part 1 of 2...

This will actually be one of two blogs today. I kind of wanted to do a before and after sort of thing. Somtime today I will go and quit my job. Even writing those words bring a little fear to my flesh. I am giving 5 weeks notice, which, yes, I am aware is not the norm. Give such a long notice can bring alot of hard days in the next 5 weeks. I don't know how this will affect my relationship with my coworkers or with my boss. I'm not even sure how this will affect my day to day attitude towards work. This decision has a possibility of having some negetive reactions. But, HELLO, welcome to life. I'm giving such early notice for a couple of reasons: I would be receiving a promotion tomorrow. I've seen how long it takes to get things done around here and if I take this promotion and then quit 3 weeks from now I will have only suceeded in making more work for someone to switch my salary over and then back, I will have possibly made one of my co-works to miss out from a promotion. Also, I have known about leaving for quite some time now, and I don't want to lie or deceive my coworkers, my friends, anymore. I want to leave my job honorably. In reviewing all the logical reasons for not giving this much notice and all the illogical reasons for giving this much notice, I have realized something very important. All the logical reasons just protect my flesh. All the illogical reasons do not look out for self. That really is foreign in this world. And my flesh is fighting with me today. But I choose to live my life as a servant, not for myself, but so that in whatever I do, Jesus would be honored and that the things of eternal life would be affected positively through my obedience. Obedience is a tricky thing. But my prayer is that we would all be obedient today in whatever He calls us to. Gulp.

Ash 24...amen...

I wonder how many people go through their day and can't find anything to be joyful about or thankful for? That just seems like such a waste of a day that God has given. So even on days like today, when I really just wanted to walk away from everything, I am reminded of how wonderful God is to me. How precious His thoughts are to me, how He has overabundantly blessed me with encouraging, special friends (special shout out to Am for tha talk & Ash-Bak for the email today), and how He'll never give me more than I can handle. Amen to that. Never, in any day of my life, no matter how hard it is, or how much persecution I face, or how many fears come to trip me up, my Jesus will NEVER give me more than I can handle. The fact that He also carries a big sword gives me confidence. Back of fears and creeps--Jesus is with me, therefore nothing that tomorrow can bring or throw at me can stand against me. Nope. Thank you Jesus.

Am-24....Before I slam my head on the pillow!

WORK WORK WORK!!! I am absolutely loving my job stuffing flyers right now! I know I sound like such a knob but it's so so so true! It has been such a God experience. I don't think that I've ever been in a place where I've had such an opportunity to serve people in ways that I have never thought of and it's just so easy to be with them! These people are SO SO SO easy to love!!I have honestly worked there on and off for the past 4 years and it has taken me that long to figure this out! And they want to know about Jesus and...and...and nothing is better than that! God is just so interested in shaking them up and running at them with arms wide open! God is so interested in healing them and helping them through forgiveness! God is SO interested in breathing life into them! It has honestly been refreshing; something I never thought work could be.

Ash 23...wednesday??...

Eeep! I can't believe that I forgot to blog yesterday!!! Egad! It might be better that way though considering yesterday was a hard day. I made a decision yesterday that I knew was God's decision for me, but I instantly felt opposition from my mom. I can imagine that it must be hard for my family to have a daughter/granddaughter who makes such illogical decisions sometimes on the basis that "I prayed about it." I think I have alot of commen sense and I'm pretty logical usually. But I would trade all the commen sense in me, and all the earthly wisdom contained in my flesh just to be 100% receptive and fearless to walk out in obedience that which God calls me to do. There was this guy that I went to high school with that came to mind yesterday when I was thinking about this. His name was Brent and he was possibly the greatest oddity yet obedient follower of Jesus that I might have ever met. This guy seriously lived in a different world. It was like every part of him was just tuned into God's frequency all the time. Everyone knew him too, possibly because he was kind of an odd duck--the unbelievers thought him strange and yet were drawn to him because of his amazing selflessness and love that just permeated out of him. And us believers well we just didn't know what to make of Brent. There would be jokes about how "disconnected" Brent was from the rest of the world. Looking back I think he was disconnected from the world--but my oh my was he connected to Jesus and that made him extremely connected to the very heart of the people in my high school. Everything about Brent just screamed Jesus' name. I was thinking about him yesterday because I wish I had realized then what a treasure it is to be in complete relationship with Jesus. And I know I'm blessed--I know the voice of God in my life and I hear Him speak daily--but I wish that the earthly fear that creeps in when attempting to carry out His plans would be gone from my life. That I could just be so connected to the heart of Jesus that it would seem I was in a different world, but that that wouldn't even matter to me. Brent led more people to Jesus and left more of impact for Jesus in my high school than any of the rest of us. Jesus help me to be obedient. Help me to walk through the fear. Help me to remember that You never leave my side. At work, at cell group, on the train, or as I fall asleep, you never leave me. Thanks for that, cause I need You more than anything else ever.

Am-23.....How wrong could it be?

hi you. Today was a day in a half shell!! First let me tell you how I was throughly disappointed that my friend Ash from Calgary didn't call :( <--------- Sad face...perhaps teary eyed! Mwuahah now that I got the guilt trip is done, today was a Jesus day just because for some reason He never gives us what we deserve. As werid as it may sound like I spent a lot of today thinking of all the things that I have in my life that I so completely don't deserve. The things that God has just given me...for no reason whatsoever...nothing I deserved...nothing I really achieved. I am in a relationship right now and it just sort of hit me a few seconds ago! As much as it isn't official as of now... it is very very real and I just really can't describe the helplessness of being best friends with the God who wants the very best for me not because I am me...but because He is Himself and that's just what He does! Because in reality...I mean...look at us..we have these flimsy little fleshly bodies that keep nurses like me employed beyond end! And besides that looking into the mental disorders...we are so fragile it's amazing that there's any of us left existing on this earth!

Am-22....OoooOOoo...I thought today was Sunday

It's getting late and I totally thought it was Sunday and I got all disorientated and by the time I get back to this blog it'll probably be Tuesday...Hahaha!! only 20 minutes left of today!! I had a really long talk with my mommy today. She woke me up at 10 for breakfast and neither one of us left the table til like 1pm. Mwa mwa mwa! Like who does that besides a mom? And we were talking about stay-at-home moms verses working/daycare moms and how I am so grateful that my mom stayed at home to love me. Like it is the MOST unselfish thing in the world! I know it's not mother's day, but I am realizing more and more the ways God has used my mom in my life and that I won't always have that as I grow up, but that I can love it now and just enjoy it for what it is! I would NOT be the person I am today without her! :) She is totally on my side! Awesome! I wanted to share with some things on my heart today concerning a boy in my life and she just was everything i needed her to be for me! :)

Ash 22...e to the x to the blah blah blah...

I am EXHAUSTED!!! I thought I might be helpful to start off this blog with those words so that whatever may come next you can exuse with the statment "oh Ashley's just exhausted". It's also super good news that I decided to walk to the corner store prior to writing this email rather than before. On the walk there I was thinking of what had made me smile today. For this day the only real things I could think of that made me smile were the little moments that Jesus snuck me away. And beautiful 2 story bathrooms in the Banff Springs Hotel. I found it exhausting to be a leader today. The thing I realized today though is that I think people that are under leadership do not realize the stress that it is some days (most days?) to be a leader. All the decisions you have to make, the extreme lackage of excitement in those that you are trying to lead, and the fact that no matter what decisions you have to make will undoubtedly be met with tons of input but no resonsibility by those you're leading. That exhausted me today. I actually did have a fun time in Banff with the girls from my cell group but it was exhausting. Then I stayed downtown to read my textbook for a midterm I have to write this Friday. Meh. Thankfully though I took that prementioned walk to the corner store. It was rainy and cold all day today, except sometime in the 15 minutes it took me to come home from downtown, grab the movie and walk back outside the sun came through and was shining like crazy. The two things that I realized on my walk about being exhausted was this: 1) When you are exhausted you do not care what anybody thinks of you. I danced very slowly down the sidewalk, using my closed umbrella as a baton and I just didn't care what anybody might've been thinking. 2) When you are exhausted you are much more suceptable to being moved in awe of Jesus. He gave me the warmest, most beautiful sunset on my walk back. It didn't take away my exhaustion but it sure did make my exhaustion feel powerless. So there you go. The scattered thoughts of someone exhausted. Now I'm going to go have a shower. If you don't get a blog from me tomorrow, call someone in Calgary to come and get me out of the shower because I surely will still be sleeping in there. Oh oh oh yeah. I almost forget. The other thing that made me smile today is because I had a voicemail on my phone from one of my best friends who eloped this last Friday. It made me feel especially good because I'd been telling her to elope for many months now and I knew that they would eventually. Ha ha, I win. Oh yeah, and it makes me feel good cause the guy she married is awesome and she deserve's awesomness. Oh how I can't wait to tell the masses...MWAHAHAHAHAHA...Rock on Joy Benson! Lol...

Am...21- What are Sundays for?

Today is my blog for Sunday....so don't be confused!haha! I am so grateful just for spontaneousness! Honestly...God doesn't need to surprise us, but He does! My friend from lifeforce came and picked me up and we went to meet some of our other friends who were free out of the middle of nowhere! Risk..supper...all good!
I also went to church this Sunday morning and God just totally confirmed the decisions I've made about my future and just got a chance to really appreciate these kids who I've been with for the last few years. And that God has all control over them and that He will take care of them.
I am grateful for inspiring emails from girls (one specifically from Calgary)who give their hearts to God to be changed and transformed into the works of art that God created them to be!!
I am grateful for phone coversations that go until 3am...amen and for love that covers all mistakes! amen!

Ash 21...what will this day hold...

Well technically it's already Sunday so I can actually blog for today already...I havn't had to miss a day yet, mwahahaha. Anyways, even though I havn't even lived this day yet I can already praise Jesus just for giving me it to live. This day holds so much possibility and untouched beauty. I was thinking today about how so many of us try to downplay excitment and hope so that we will not be dissapointed. But that's so sad. Today I want to walk away from the lies that tell me I'm not smart enough or beautiful enough or wanted enough. Jesus makes me enough and is fully sufficient. So even now, at 12:10 am on Sunday morning, I want to be excited and place all my hope for how fabulous this day can be on Jesus Christ. He can make something truly beautiful out of this day. I know that, because He already made something beautiful of me. Thank you my Jesus.

Am-20....Mwa Mwa Mwa...

Today was supposed to be soley study day but it ended up being extremely restful and slow...I got very little studying done but that's okay! Catching up with old friends, running, sleeping and watching some great old MASH episodes was all that was instore for me...oh and don't forget an hour in the tub with a book...Oh geez! So much to do! Oh well! Today was the best day not overrun by stress I've had in a long time. :) Honestly, how far away have we gotten from having the weekends off from the things that make our lives instoppable and crazy? Haha...or maybe I'm just irresponsible! Or maybe there's other things and people to enjoy that I have not ever enjoyed before...
Getting back to sitting with God just to try and wrap your mind around Him again and to let yourself again be shocked by His massiveness and incredibleness...loveliness. To find out the simpicity of what God wants from us...to be with Him.

Ash 20...no sufficient adjective...

Although I don't think I have the word to adequately describe this day, I think good, fabulous, wonderful, and Jesus-given, begin to show my heart for this day. I have already had the best components that make up any fabulous day and it's only 2:30 in the afternoon. I slept in then awoke to the sweet sound of silene, I talked to Am, I spent some time worshipping and thanking Jesus, then I had a super hot shower to the sound of my new cd blaring. It has been wonderful. So that's all I have to say. More Jesus--please bless this day even more fully. Amen.

Ash 19...finally...

Finally. Finally. Finally. I AM ALONE!!!!!! Right now there is exactly one person in my house, and so shall that remain for one whole week. Again please do not get me wrong, I absolutely love my room-mates. But I went from living completely alone to living completely NOT alone. So this last week was kind of a sudden jump-start to my system but since I think after this week of adaptation of being alone I'll be able to better face living with with people. I hope I don't sound like some kind of annoying hermit who hates people. I love people and I love spending time with my family and friends. But I'm just to living alone right now so it's taking some getting used to. Praise you Jesus though that I can right now just think...no noise or frustration...I can just go sit on my couch and fall asleep to a movie. Amen to that. Thank you Jesus for making me to survive this week. There is absolutely no way I could have survived it without you. Amen Amen to that.

Amber, I presume that you will yet sign on or try to call me. I don't know if I'll be awake to answer your call. Plus I'm thinking that you're probably going to be too busy to actually talk to me tonite. So please, let ME call you tomorrow ok?!?!? Fantastico. Thank you Jesus for Amber. Amen.

Ash 18...life to me...

It has been amazing to see how much more crucial Jesus has become to my life in these past couple of weeks. I feel exhausted from trying to battle physical things like my school work and cell group and from battling spiritual things like my work environment and my emotions. The days have felt long and with much aching and weariness. But Jesus has been so real to me. Even today I was having a super hard time emotionally--just feeling drained and weak and like I couldn't take anymore. Then Jesus came to me so sweetly and He didn't pep talk me or push me on...I had my head down on my knees and I was crying because emotionally I was just spent. And I saw a picture of Him coming to me. He took me in His arms and I was so limp that I couldn't even lift my head or place my arms around His neck. But He just held me while I cried and washed over me like a refreshing breeze. I love being honest with Him and knowing His love in my being. Knowing that I can tell Him that I'm feeling weak or that my hope is being attacked, and that He is right on guard to come and battle with me. How sweet to know that I am not alone. I was thinking about the future today and how there is so much uncertainty--but then I realized that when it really comes down to it none of the stuff I'll do or the places I go really don't matter. I will do hundreds of things yet in my life. I will wake tomorrow and face another day. And the only thing that truly matters--that has any real bearing on what tomorrow will be--is Jesus. He is so everything. And it bring me to tears as I sit here at this computer because I don't know what my life will really be or what the next year will bring, but I know that there is absolutely no way that I can do it without Jesus. So many people I know are dissapointed with Christians cause they think we're hypocrites, or they have pain towards Jesus because of misconceptions that they've been fed by the enemy. But let me say today and everyday for the rest of my life that Jesus is everything. That regardless of hopelessness that comes in waves over your heart, He is in control and He is waiting to lavish His unconditional Love on you. I couldn't live without Him. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for being beautiful and calling me beautiful. Thank you for never leaving me or abandoning me. Thank you for guiding my life in such a way that I will never truly see on this earth. Thank you for loving me. I love You. Amen.

Am-17...I've definately been wowed

To the point...work has been amazing the past couple of days! honestly. I don't even know how to put this in words, but God has wowed me! Not that it's that hard with Him being so big and almighty and with me being small and quite insignificant...but STILL!
At work I seem to sometimes get grouchy and tired. It's not the nicest of all places (Ash you know) to just be. But lately I've been bringing my mp3 player and just worshiping for the first half while I'm stuffing flyers and that has rocked and that in itself has been wonderful. But lately us girls have just been talking about EVERYTHING under the sun and more specifically how God fits into everthing under the sun and God has been really just showing these girls more and more truth and it's just so beautiful and it makes me want to cry b/c I can to watch and participate!
Ah and even more than just in our little circle...me and this other girl has been starting these talks about church across the entire building and actually not on purpose! So we're yelling out things like.."yeah Jesus really moved last Sunday," or just talking about healings and different things God has done. She has walked away from Jesus a bit but she still knows it all and has an awesome heart that God still has His hand on! Ah! WOW!! More more more Jesus!!

Ash 17...take a walk...

That's what I'm going to do after work today. I'm going to go on the train, by myself, take a walk to the Christian bookstore, by myself, and buy a new cd, by myself. Then I'm going to the annual event of the year--LifeForce Love Feast. I will be very NOT alone for the whole evening so you had better believe how the 45 minutes right after work are looking to me...lol. I'm also blogging right now, halfway through my day, because I'm going to sleep the instant I get home tonite. Yep. Well what has been good today?!? I still have some hope and expectations that this day can get better by the end, but so far the best thing about this day has been rethinking about yesterday. Yesterday was such a crazy day that my blog from yesterday does not even begin to cover. And as such I have been writing some stuff during my breaks at work this morning, that has just been eye-opening again. It's been an ok morning. Except that I'm sick. And I have an interview this afternoon for the job that I already have. (yeah, seriously) Ok well...done.

Ash 16...oh my goodness...

Ok so I figured out today that I'm not actually sure that the days are getting so much fuller or longer, as much I think I'm just not having as much ALONE time to process. I love living with Dave & Erin--they are awesome. But I'm having a super hard time adjusting to not being alone. I miss my thoughts. I miss the quiet. I miss being alone. Funny things to miss I'm sure, but what can I say, I'm a weirdo. Today I'm thankful that Jesus speaks to me. That He truly loves me so much that He actually shares His heart with me and talks to me. What a gift. Today He spoke so clearly about so many things that it was almost hard to take in. I'm thankful that sometimes God tells me what I need to hear at the time. I'm not saying he lies to me, but He loves me being able to figure things out so He'll sometimes say things that lead me down the road to discovery instead of just telling me exactly what the plan is. His thoughts are so far above mine, but I know how much He loves me so I trust Him. I don't know what God is up to, especially lately, but I know that He can be trusted and that He loves me. I know that He is the answer to everything. He's it. The Rock. The Foundation. The Love of my life. Amen.

Am- 16...Ode to my feet!

I just got home from work and I'm absolutely exhausted! But three things that rocked my world today...Email from 2 close friends who I miss dearly...phone call from someone I really want to talk to...and...dum dum dum...MY SCHOOL IS NOW SERVING BREAKFAST ALL DAY LONG!!! I had a freakin breakfast wrap at 2pm during my Micro class!! Sorry this can't be long but I wrote in twice last night so this one can be a little more simple. And why can't the simple things count?

Ash 15...has this really been only one day?...

Seriously this day feels like it could have been 2 or 3 days...and not because I got much done, lol. So much has happened today and it still feels like it is saturating me. I realized today how much of a hard time I'm having not having alone time. I miss the quietness of my own thoughts. So today I ended up down at the church to have supper and square dance with the LifeForcer's. I felt so nervous for some reason that I just felt sick to my stomach. I just couldn't be around all of them. So overwhelmed I went into the sanctuary and just sat there. I began to just cry out to God silently in my heart and wonder at what in the world was going on in my life. I've been thinking about "love" alot lately and I just wondered at God why He would tell me to keep loving though I do not receive love in return. It seems so ridiculous. It seems so impossible. It seems so unselfish. Believe you me I'm not good at unselfish love. It's something that Amber has been bringing to my mind lately. But I'm not good at it. I began to think, Jesus what if I spend the rest of my life waking up with this love in my heart and have it not be returned? What if I go to sleep for the rest of my life with love in my heart for someone who does not love me back? God is it really worth loving to get no love in return? Then it hit me again how faithful Jesus' love is for me. He loves me despite my tendency to love things before Him...He is so patient with His love. Could I even be that patient? Then God spoke the words that calmed me like no other. I heard it as plain and real in my heart as ever before. "Ashley, its all going to be alright." And I just believe Him. Those words from Him gave me the confidence and strength to walk back into my life today. So many other things happened today, but I just wanted to share with you my three survival verses. Amber shared with me her survival verses the other day and I've been thinking about that--so here are mine:

Psalm 138:8...The Lord will work out His plans for my life.

Hebrews 10:36...Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.

2 Corinthians 12:9...But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Amen Amen Amen. Time for bed.

Am-14...part 2! I'm sorry! but this day just rocked!

Okay I was so incredibly encouraged by what my friend Jay from my class is going through, and I hope he doesn't mind me telling this b/c it's just so funny. So he does rest bite and this one boy's mom has accused him of breaking something and then covering it up. So Jay was praying about it and he knows that he hasn't done anything wrong and that this kid has a history of lying...so he goes back to this mom and just knows that she needs God and that she's hurting. He had such a great attitude about it la la la.
So then I ask him...what did she think you broke? And this kid told his mom that Jay had taken that little tray (that goes under potted plants to catch water) and ate spagetti on it and then accidently dropped it on the floor and broke it. And apparently Jay also told this kid that he was going to take it home and glue it together and then put it back without the mom knowing! Like who thinks of these things?! better enough who believes these things? haha...God has blessed me with some stinkin funny people in my life. Maybe I'm the only person who finds this stinkin hilarious but I am posting it anyways! HA

Am- 15....Kick that booty!

HEY! I just want to first and formost say that today was one of the best days of my life! It's only 8pm and the day can't POSSIBLY get any better than today!And it's not because anything in particular happened (although something in particular did happen...) but just because God is SO SO SO incredibly faithful! If you are reading this and you don't know Jesus, you HAVE to meet Him! You can't possibly survive this world without Him and you can't possibly experience the ultimate and most uncircumstancal joy that can ONLY come from knowing His love! The last few days I have felt like I've been stuck in a this black hole and I have no idea why...but after my devotions this morning...it was like I saw the entire world in a whole new way. It was like going from seeing prison bars to running in the middle of an endless field with nothing else on your mind but the freedom of knowing that there's not better place in the world than where you are right now! I had a really good converstaion with someone that I was having trouble confronting and it went so well that I spent a good 15 minutes laughing in the hallway of my school after. Not at this person but just because I was so free to have a light heart! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!

Am- 14...Hello Kilns!!

Monday, May 16, 2005 was a day that I will remember for all the time I've "wasted" on neccessary homework (so I guess technically it's not wasting...) BUT! God got to interrupt my study times with some very neccessary things! Like for one: awesome emails from Ash periodically popping into my inbox...For two: I went for an amazing run! I know I sound like rediculous because most people don't find running enjoyable...but I ran until I could see my guts spill out through my skin onto the ditch at the side of the gravol road! And it wasn't even really that significant other than I got rid of some stress. I went through all of these trails and kilns (big massive ovens made of rock) and I would have gone longer except for the fact that my guts were no longer inside of my body. But being the nurse-wanna-be that I am...I neatly put them all back into my body, hopefully in the correct order. I guess I'll find out the next time I have a bowel movement.....
But I was thinking of how gratful I was that my body functions not too bad on the most part and that it would suck if one day I couldn't run. But not today! Today I got to run and Lord willing I will still have a functioning body tommorrow to do it again.

Ash 14...ready set go...

I'm going to put my days' highlights in point form--here we go:

1) Today I told my boss that I go to church. I'm excited to see what that will do in the spiritual realm at work. God has me there and He tells me that He's sufficient and able so rock it out JC! No more regrets.

2) Watched "Hotel Rwanda". One of the most inspiration movies ever. Oh Jesus please keep me active...don't let me ignorant and naive to the rest of the world.

3) Convo's both email-kind and msn-kind with Ambrosia. She makes me think and speaks such life into me.

4) Going to sleep at 9 o'clock. I'm just speaking that out as something that hopefully will happen but if it does it'll definitely make the list.

Thank you Jesus for this day. Keep working out our lives. I know you will. Our hope is in You alone Lord. Amen.

Ash 13...a tribute...

Ok well this day was seriously one of the best days of my life. For so many reasons. Well actually it comes down to one reason--Jesus. This day was as wonderful as it was because of Him. I could get into all the reasons but I don't want to. I just want this day to exist as it has. But I would like to make out a tribute to Pastor Mike Young. This man was an assistant pastor at my church for the past year and a half. About 8 months ago we became diagnosed with cancer in his spine. They did a bunch of blood things and tons of treatments and he actually went into remission. My church prayed for Pastor Mike like crazy and we believed with all out hearts that he would be healed. Shortly after he went into remission the cancer came back in a vengence. Yesterday morning Pastor Mike passed away. When I heard about it this morning my heart just felt shock and dissapointment. I don't understand at all why he died after so much praying and praising. But I know that He is in the best place ever right now. So I tribute him today. This man was the most exuberant and joyful person I've ever met. He was crazily passionate and joyful when it came to Jesus. He was as optimist and Jesus-lover to the core, and one could not talk with him without feeling encouraged and blessed. He spoke so much life into my life, and his Joy for Jesus taught me and infected my life abundantly. Thank you Jesus for letting this man come to my church and teach us all a little bit more about your love and joy for us. See you on the other side Pastor Mike.

Am-13.5...

AND I bought this deodarant that smells like the most amazing thing in the world so whenever things go rough I can jsut smell my armpits and life is good!

Am....12(13)...I'm so disorientated! MegaBlog!!!

Hey I'm home...I was out this weekend at YC Fusion with the youth group in a small town in the middle of nowhere. Yes...and it's only been three days and I think I'm going to sleep for the rest of the year. I'm not sure how great the weekend was in full...but there were definately some parts that rock!
1) 2 friends of the youth group now know someone named Jesus!!! AMEN AMEN AMEN!!! (most definately highest light of them all!!!) Ah! So worth the weekend!!
2) Haha...okay I lost my keys on Saturday in this massive mall (obviously not inside the tiny little middle of nowhere town) but there wasn't just my keys...but the keys of the church that we're staying at, my church's and the keys of the parent's van we were using. So I dropped the kids off at the afternoon workshops and went back to look for these keys. On the way back to the mall...I was just praying to God that my keys would come back!! COME BACK! Panic had set in...And all of a sudden I realized that God totally has me this weekend and that the keys will come back. So I look and retrace all of my steps and nothing...absolutely nothing. So I checked with info and it turned out that someone had returned my keys for me! AH! FREAK OUT! The reason why this was such an amazing thing for me...was because I've been waiting in faith for something much bigger than God having my keys and it just overwhelmed me that God would be faithful with something as small as my keys (which I lose everyday) and that cemented having peace with the other bigger thing!
3) That I'm home and that i get to sleep...

Ash12...still going strong...

Today was actually quite nice. I hardly got any sleep last night but in spite of that it was a really...good day. My friends/room-mates are back now, and even though it'll definitely be an adjustment, God has just blessed me with an opportunity to be around some friends at this time and I'm so thankful for that and for them. This day was just so simple and nice...what would seem boring to most was just peaceful and relaxful to me. It was wonderful. And now I'm going to sleep. Tomorrow will be an exciting day I expect. Hmmm....

Ash 11...technically it's not Friday...

Okay, well I know that Amber won't be posting these next couple of days...but I figure that as long as I can I will. The highlight of my day were twofold. And it may be humorous, in a manner of speaking, what my two highlights are. Or NOT funny as some might find it. Firstly I received an email from Ambro that was amazing. It really did make my day so wonderful. Work is such a spiritual battle and that email from Amber really encouraged me and helped me make it through. Loves it. Secondly, a super good friend that I hadn't seen in forever flew in to Calgary and I got to go pick him up at the airport and spend the evening catching up. It was so good. It really has all come back to what Amber said to me in the email this morning. That someday, and maybe soon, all these days will be memories, so how will we live today? How will I have wanted to live today 5 years ago? And how will I have wanted to live this day 5 years from now? Just a today, but everyday is just another today that all bunched together make up my span of life. And I have been blessed. In this day. And each day. Thankyou Jesus. Amen.

Ash 10...joy...

Today was...good. I took a little trip down memory lane...stubbed my toe but I'll survive. Apparantly I always have. Thank you Jesus that You don't give us more than we can handle! Amen to that. Today a definite awesomeness moment was talking to my old roomate/best friend Joy Benson. I hadn't talked to her in so so so long and it was so good to just be normal. Isn't it absolutely wonderful when you can find friends who just know you and love you and you can be you around? I have been privileged to have a few awsome sisters like that...Amber, Cher, Joy...these people are priceless to me. It was good to remember how good and faithful God is to always bring what you need...and then give you extra sparkles. Amen and thank you Jesus for loving me.

Am-10...double digit day

We have been doing this blog thing everyday for a double digited amount of time!! YAY! lol I don't know why I noticed that! Ash, I think that your email might have been the highlight of my day after all! No, just kidding...hmmmm...The part about today that I liked is that I liked today. And what I mean by that is it was a really hard day...I was sick and puking and lots of stuff went wrong, but I had an amazing day! And I really have no idea why! Even after I finished 7 hours of school and then having to work another 7 after that, I liked today! I have peace about the incredible amount of things that I have no control over and I'm excited about the things that I am doing in this moment. And just the intervals of God moments where I could just sit and exist, without anything else mattering...just meant a lot to me. Amen! Tommorrow here we come!

Ash 9...at the end...

Today was a pretty rough day of dealing with people from work, and then from my cell group, making fun of me. I can take alot of being made fun of, but today they were all making fun of me for the same thing and it really hurt me. Anyhoo, even with that hard aspect of my day there was one beautiful wonderful part. I lead a cell group at my church and tonight we joined a church prayer meeting. I love prayer meetings, because it calls out the true intercessors and people that love and long to pray. Not to criticize other members of the church who love to pray, but when there is a meeting devoted to praying and seeking and crying out to God you get some awesomely crazy people out. God really began to speak to me as we prayed. There was alot of people in the room praying out by themselves, but it's like the room got quiet and Jesus just spoke truth into me. Here is one of the things He spoke to me about: When I get to the end of my life I will not wish that I had watched more television or read more entertainment magazines. I will not wish that I had been more critical or gossipy. Looking back on my life I will not wish that I had slept more or daydreamed more or surfed the internet more. When I get to the end of my days on this earth this is what I will wish: I will wish that I had spent more time reading my bible. I will wish I had spent more time interceding on my face and more time dancing in His presence. I will wish that I had spent quality time with my Best Friend each morning and each night. I will wish that I had spoken kinder and loved with more abandonment. I will wish that I had loved those friends and family that God gave me more like He loves them. I will wish that I had cherished each day on this earth He gave me because it was one more opportunity for Him to love me and give me sunrises and warm rainshowers. At the end of my life on this earth I will look back and hope that I heard every word He spoke to me and obeyed every thing He asked of me. I will hope that I gave my life away to Him--that I didn't try to hold onto my life but I made myself nothing and gave all to Him so that He could be seen. I will hope that I loved my husband and my children as the precious and priceless beings they are to Him. And as my eyes close that one last time and my heart slows it's beating, and I wake up running to Him, I will wish for nothing else than Him. I hope I wish for that tomorrow.

am-9.5.....

I talked to a really good friend on the phone at 11:15 Manitoba time! And it rocked!

Am-9.....Fight club here I come...

The highlight of my day was getting into a fight. And better yet it was at work! IT WAS AWESOME! No it was not a physical fight ( although that would be doubly fun...maybe...). I was sitting at work...minding my own business *kinda* when someone was reading my anti-abortion hoodie (Rock for Life) and the two ladies next to me started asking me if I was pro-choice and they started going all ape! And then I started going all ape (because I HATE abortion) and the next thing I know there's a crowd of people behind us watching *note this is at work*. This "discussion" went on for for about 2o minutes. And then my supervisor came and I thought that she was going to tell us to get back to work but she ended up just joining in our conversation for like another 15 minutes. Surprisingly I had a lot of support from my co-workers and a lot of them thanked me for saying what I did ( it was really werid!!If only you knew my work place) Talking about abortion always hits me funny. Like I know there's lots of horrible things going on in the world but aboration always just presses my buttons more than the others. I guess it's just the ultimate defenseless victim. So these ladies were going on about how we have to accept each other's views and such, and I was like no way! I have nothing personal against you! But there's no way, during every future day that I walk this earth, will I ever agree that aboration is acceptable or that your view is alirght!
Okay so now you are probably wondering why this was the highlight of my day. The reason is b/c everyone at work thinks that we hate each other because of this like...hour long fight we had. But we talked afterwards and we now have a really close connection. Like these ladies on the way out started giving me candy and stuff like that (ooohhh they gave me candy..I sound like such a child). But even though we tore each other apart on this issue, for some reason I feel so incredibly close to these people! Like something really broke loose tonight! And I think it's a start of something that God wants to do in this place. And since everyone in the work place thinks we hate each other, I think the powerful thing will be the fact that quite the oposite occured! The only thing I regrett about tonight is the fact taht I could have brought God more into the conversation, and a little less of the issue itself.

THEY WON!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!! I almost had a heart attack but Joyce and Euchena won!!!! They are the kindest, most caring, unselfish Amazing Race competitors I've ever seen...and now they have money to get a baby whether through invitro or through adoption...that's what they said their goal is to do now. Finally the team that I wanted to win--after all these seasons of my team never winning--they finally won!!!! Yah!!!! They are so awesome...oh my gosh I'm crying. I love them!!! So inspirational!!! Yah!!!!

Am....8?- Can't remember the days anymore...

Hi! I have so much on my mind right now that it's really hard to focus on this blog so it's going to be short and quick. I think the amazing thing that God has done in my life today was give me the most amazing conversation with my cousin Angie. I know this tells you nothing.

Ash 8...Yah Euchena & Joyce...

Ok, well the best part of my day has not yet arrived, and maybe this a horrible thing to say will be a highlight of my day but tonite, TONITE, is the Amazing Race Finale!!!!! Oh my gosh. I am so excited. This is my absolute favorite tv show and I am quite passionate about it--lol. Euchena & Joyce are the two black married people on the show and they totally deserve to win. They have had a super tough marriage wherin they tried and tried but couldn't have babies and it really took a toll on their relationship. But since entering this race they have always been kind to each other and are so cutely in love--oh I love them. Also, Joyce shaved her beautiful black hair off so they wouldn't get eliminated. Yep I think they deserve to win. I also like Amber & Rob (apparantly they won Survivor??) but they don't really deserve it. Rob lies all the time and, hello, they already won 1 million dollars. They third team I just don't really have any feelings about. Except I don't want them to win. Lol. Ok so you may think that I am ridiculous or pathetic or something but I love this show and I AM SO EXCITED!!!! EEEEEAAAA!!!!! Ok well other than that my day has been really hard. Work was hard. The environment and they people. Meh. And I didn't get much accomplished. So yah for the Amazing Race. Ok well obviously I'm of no use to this blogging world tonite so I'll just go and get ready...must stretch and get my lungs ready to scream and exclaim...haha. GO TEAM GO!!!

Am-7....Brownie...Glorious...Kitchen floor dancing...

Okay...Here we go: A speaker in my psych class was talking about how everyone always wants to play the "mourner" and play the victim and just in general be sad and upset about everything. Whether it be in his/her personal life or what's going on in the world. Yes please help us to prevent Global whinning before we move on to Global warming...haha jk. Okay so I found out this past week that a recent ex of mine was lying to me on many different levels. And he has been away since we went our separate ways, out of my life...gone. So now I find out this information and it distrubs me because I feel like a fool. So what do I do? I start becoming the "mourner" and start dealing with "issues" that I probably don't have but I create in order for me to deal with something...Oh poor me! Never to trust again...wah wah wah. But in reality when I went to God with this today, I realize that I was NOT the fool! I broke things off with him before I even know exactly why and that God had saved me from giving him my heart. I'M NOT ON CRACK AND I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MY STUPIDITY!! haha that may not make sense to most people but it does in my mind. So this leads to my title. I was at home studying for the most part of today and I had a sudden urge to stop and make brownies. And for some reason that lead me to have an urge to dance around my kitchen like a pansey..worshiping God for like half an hour!! And the reason why it was so meaningfull was because this particular person thought that it was stupid that I danced and he said that he wouldn't know what he would do if he ever saw me dance! And I am so free from that and now free to let my heart feel whatever God wants me to feel for this amazing person who is in my life now! AMEN

Ash 7.5...top 5...

Here are a top five to live by:

1) If its more than 7 days past the expiry date you should smell it first before consuming.

2) If it says "patent pending" on the back of a specific item do not even smell. Put it down and walk away.

3) If you walk into your home and there is a peculiar smell the right thing to do is find the source of the smell, not just spray some more febreeze.

4) Chocolate is wonderful. Chocolate is beautiful. But chocolate is not a food group.

5) If you get the choice to make a choice between loving and something else, always choose love, no matter what the other thing is--even if it's a lifetime supply of the next best thing.

(I win)

Ash 7...oh Annie/Anny...

Today was actually a really good day. I realize that there is like 7 hrs left until tomorrow but I figure it's safe to say that this day is good cause I'm home now so no one at work can turn my day sour. With that said let me tell you about the Annie that made this day wonderful. If I every do jump off the cliff of having children and happen to have a daughter I want to name her Annie/Anny. There is something about that name. Both Annie's/Anny's I know are such funny awesome people that end up making my day quite often. The first Annie is a girl I work with. Today, she made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants. The things she says sometimes are absolutely hilarious and she really brightened my day today. Then she offered to stuff my bike in the back of her van and give me a ride home cause it was raining. Awesome. She really is great. Then we have the other Anny in my life. My Anny from church. God blessed me so much that He saw how hard it was at the beginning to get used to Calgary and how lonely I felt and He gifted me with Anny Rowe. This woman is phenomenal. She started off as just being someone I could share my heart with, but our relationship has just developed into a solid solid friendship. We pray together, we share our lives, and we laugh so hard together. Looking back at my time in Calgary, I will especially praise the Lord for the treasured friend He gave me in Anny. This girl can also make me pee-my-pants laughter like almost no one else. I will truly miss her immensely when I go. Awe. It's going to be hard leaving some things about this place. This city has been...something so special to me. It has been my desert. A jail of sorts. And yet I am so blessed that God brought me through this place. I will treasure the things I learned here during this time in my heart forever. Wow the things I've learned. I could write a book on that alone. I have no idea what the future will bring exactly. I don't know what beautiful details God will throw into my life. But Calgary and all it taught me will be a page I'm so glad God wrote into the book of my life.

Ash 6...Happy Mother's Day...

I've never really cared all that much about this holiday, although I do super appreciate the grandma and step-mom that God gave me. I love Sunday's though. I really love going to meet with God in His house and it's always so good to just fellowship and worship. God just blessed me and loved on me in so many ways today that I can't even start to express it. I learned alot of our value system--its hard to explain in such a short blog, but I just realized that when we became seperated from God in the Garden, we instantly became hungry for more. And since then we've just been trying to find our worth. We all try and do it in different ways. In a nutshell, God was just showing me that whatever I do and wherever I go, if I'm trying to do it cause I want to show God how good I am, then I may as well have just stayed at home. We need to find our worth in Him. Not in husbands, or having the most money, or saving the most souls, etc. He can give our hearts what we most long for and desire. Anyhoo, that probably doesn't make the most sense, but God's starting to change some thought processes in me. So much to do this week and tomorrow, but I'm not doing anything else tonight. I'm going to crawl into my sweet warm bed and dream away. Oh Jesus you are so beautiful. Help me to love my co-workers tomorrow like you do. Help me to stand on your truth and to speak out only that which is godly. Guard my thoughts. Wake me with your love. Amen.

Am-6....What are you suggesting if it isn't that coconuts migrate?

Howdy,
Today...today today today...no matter how many times I say today, nothing is coming to me! Maybe because it's far too late to be thinking! What has God done with a day like today? He has single handedly taught the Africa team half a dozen dramas and showed me the most simplistic ways of avoiding the act of killing many of the them throughout the course of this afternoon! mwuahaha just kidding! But not about the drama! That was truely God we got anything done today, yay,amen, more! But in the fact that I get so frustrated with the kids I work with, for some reason right before you go screaming out of the building, God always just slips in that one moment that is amazing and keeps you. Feelings are a funny thing. But today I have a new appreciation for them for some reason. As much as I would sometimes rather not have them, I could not imagine life without them. The people you miss, the things you are impatient for and fight though are all so neccessary. so we hope...

Ash 5...boo for titles...

I'm not feeling very poetic today. Today has been a weird day emotionally. I hung out with a good friend which was good, but I think I get so used to existing in my "alone" world, that it's weird to step out of my thoughts and interact with humans for whole days...lol. The best thing about today was 1) pressing my snooze button like 50 times before I crawled out of bed, 2) sitting on my back stoop this morning in my pajamas reading my textbook in the sunshine, and 3) my huge bright red bag. It was nice. I need to hear from God. I want to know how to live. Sorry, that was kind of random.

*sigh*

Well Ash! I have some news for you! I fell madly, passionately, deeply in love today with the most specialest of peoples that come in human form.....

Am- 5....Finding out why we do what we do...

Haha I was watching the tail end of Star Wars (episode 6) today...you know the part when they had killed all the bad guys and everyone was dancing around in the camp and forest like crazy! And everyone was SOOO happy and just...just so free! Like I mean NO ONE would be like me...bothering with things like school work. But I was also thinking that they possibly couldn't experience that without the 2 or 3 episodes of fighting before hand. They would just live thier ordinary lives and never have that. And it just made me think of heaven and just how we can't even compare it with Star Wars (believe it or not) and that we will have the ultimate finish because we DO know the ending. Ah I'm not explaining this the way I feel, but it's just so extraordinary! That at the end of all of this, our hearts will run wild in the way that it always was supposed to run. The freedom will be everything that our flesh has tried to shut down in the past 20/21 years of our lives. The dancing we do will be on every single fear that has held us from our dreams that we never thought would die! IT's the ultimate reality and truth of Jesus Christ and everything He died for us to have! It's the ending and hope that we are sure of!!

Am-4....I'm a living resvoir of MRDA

Okay...I've been sitting here thinking and I definately know the best part of today. The part of today that kept me within my limits of sanity was my run. I ran in a cemetary...I know a little creepy. But something about being there was just so peaceful, even though I couldn't stay there all day. Me. Jesus. and a whole lot of people who aren't living anymore. what a combo! But really! What does a man dying from thirst want more than a bottle of Dsani? What does an abused wife want more than a truthful touch of love? Do we even dare to attempt to replace those things with money...or even worse...formulated solutions? What would a person with turmoil do for a peace that goes beyond what she understands? Or maybe a better question would be what would God do for us to have this? What HAS God done already for us to have this? Jesus is the key...nothing else lasts like He does.

Ash 4...happy friday!...

It really was a happy Friday. This week flew by. I have to make this quick cause I still have like 3 chapters to read before tomorrow. Meh. The thing that rocked about today was...hmm?...this really can be harder than it seems, although that shouldn't be. I loved laughing at work today. Sometimes the people I work with are absolutely hilarious and today was one of those, head on my desk, almost pee my pants kind of days. I love laughing. So that was nice. And I get to read 3 chapters in my text...YAH!! Oh wait, no that's not yah at all. If you pray please pray for 2 things: 1) My exam tomorrow as I have again procrastinated and really need to focus tonight. 2) My friend Jake is in Kyrgyzstan doing something and it's really a very dark spiritual place--I just looked at the daily news in that country and there is crazy, dangerous stuff happening all over the place. Thanks for that. You know what the best part of this day will be--crawling into my nice, warm, soft bed and falling asleep...yah!

Am-3....For You

For a few minutes I thought that I had failed this day. All day I've been trying to think of something more amazing about today rather than the fact that it will offically be over in 27 minutes and I just got home. And I actually had thought of something to type when I was at work but now I can't remember it!
Oh I got it!! I am thankful for school! I caught myself complaining about school today at work (as I complain about school often) and I took some time to realize that school is the reason why I won't have to work at the Argus for the rest of my life. But then I thought a little deeper and realized that one day...I will know how to help people in a way that I never thought I would ever know how to! Like I will have the capability to do something in the phsycial sense and it won't matter if I'm working as a nurse or not...because it won't change the fact that I will always have this knowledge! WERID!!
Anyways! That's as the best as today got. I really have to try to stop letting the best part of my day be the hope that it will be over soon and better things will come to follow

Ash 3...woot woot...

It's easier to pick out the things that were not the best about today. I didn't want to get out of my nice warm bed. Work was extremely meh. My boss was upset. I was so crazy busy with work. I have an assignment to write tonight and I have to study for a midterm. What is beautiful about today? I was actually. My hair was all flippy and pretty...I even put on makeup...I dressed up all professional-like. Believe you-me, I'm not one of those "look at me I'm so beautiful girls". But I actually felt really beautiful today. I felt chosen. And I really missed alot of people today...Amber, Joy, Katie, Cher, Connie, Ash-Bak, Meryl, Jake, Luke, Jordan, Dave, Matt, Amy...I could go on and on and on. It'd be so nice right now just to sit on my couch with a cup of tea and talk nonsense with one of my treasured friends. Or sitting on a porch swing in the rain with a blanket and a great conversation. Hmmm...so much to come. So much to do. But thank you Jesus for making me beautiful and giving me beautiful friends. Lol. Ok enough, there are papers to write and things to procrastinate from doing. Beautiful Thursday. I can't wait to crawl into bed tonight.

Part 2 of Ash 2...

Today I fell in love.

Amen.

Am-2....You're going down little robot man

Today nothing exciting happened. I know that I'm not supposed to say that but it's true. I was at school all day then went straight to work all night. And I must admitt that I've had some pretty amazing moments with some friends today but conversations with my friends would be my highlight everyday!
There was a video in my Abnormal Psych class that made my day FOR NO REASON! It was on autism in children. And they were studying a "normal" child, a child with autism and a child with down syndrome. And what happened was that a toy robot came into the room and the adults got all freaked out and the child was supposed to see how the adults were responding and follow suit. So when they were doing this...everyone had sort of their "textbook" responses. But when it came to the child with down syndrome...He saw the robot coming...saw that the adults were freaking out and for a second he looked scared. But then ALL OF A SUDDEN...he runs to the robot and kicks it right over! It was so encouraging! Because we as people who love Christ just need to, for no text book reason, RUN AND KICK at the stupid robot! And we aren't supposed to make sense all the time and we aren't supposed to have all the answers and we're supposed to be taking risks that make us look like idiots but end with God showing up and telling the world who He is!
Time for sleep

Ash 2...prayer...

This day has already been better than expected. And you know what did that? Jesus. On my half-hour walk to work this morning I just prayed for all the people I work with; I prayed that God would bless my work environment; and that God would wow my socks off today. The day isn't done yet, but already Jesus has made this day spectacular. It's so amazing to me how talking to God can just make things better. Even when things don't change right away, or ever change the way I want them to, I feel like I've actually done something significant after I've prayed about stuff. That's pretty remarkable for a planner, list-maker, figure-outer like me. Nothing changes stuff in my life, your life or the world like talking to Jesus. He's awesome. I love Him. Half-a-day down--half-a-day to go. Please speak to us today Jesus. Show us your awesomeness in everything we do, all day long. Amen.

1-Am....something better than bowel movements...

Hey there. I am going to tell you very quickly (because it's late) why God has made this day amazing...AMAZING for me! Just out of this world, can't get better, nothing tops this day that will never come again! And it's all because of nothing. I know!! Miraculous I know!! The fact that in our lives "nothing" can be compared to something that is miraculous just blows my mind! Too many times I just go, go, go and even my thoughts run around all day trying to organize themselves into something useful. Just to have everything figured and and answered. IT's just like cleaning for some people. Some people just can't relax until everything is in it's proper place (I'm definately not qualified for that nonsense...). Here it is quick, simple and fast... I was writing a letter to a good friend tonight and I just couldn't figure what to say or do about this letter. And there it was! NOTHING! I feel asleep right on top of the letter and it wasn't one of those zonking out sleeps...it was one of those "OOOOoohh! I definately know what's coming and I'm going to enjoy every second of the way there" kind of sleeps! Then I was woken up by one of my bestest friends and we had tea and it was all good! I have no idea why that was the most amazing part of my day...but something about falling alseep to Coldplay and in the arms of my Maker just makes everything so much better. And that's it! Just existing with the One who has always and always will exist. Amen

Ash 1...find joy in today...

I was supposed to find something to be joyful about today. And even though I knew all day about this and I kept looking, the day proceeded to get worse and worse. I sometimes find it really difficult to work with people who are so against Jesus. In reality what they are against is religion. Which isn't so bad, except that I don't think that they really seperate Jesus, Christianity, and Religion. I've worked there for over a year now and it's only really gotten so spiritually intense the last couple of months. Maybe I'm just starting to pay attention. Anyways, today a girl I work with forwarded an email entitled "Are you going to hell?". I knew right away that it was not going to be a good situation. (Considering it had also just followed an email titled "How long will you live?") I actually didn't do the quiz right away. I went for a long walk to get a drink of water...lol...partly avoidance, partly I just had no idea what to say when I knew they'd ask me if I'd done it. They know I'm "religious" (lol) and as such like picking on me for being a geek...haha. So I get back and they're discussing what their score was on "going to hell". (The lower the score the closer to heaven you are) The thing is was that they were actually competing to see who was closer to hell. I did the quiz and at the end after you've answered the last question the screen comes up "you are going to hell". It actually brought alot of thoughts to me. Obviously using "hell+brimstone" evangelism is not working. Everyone I work with was told today that they are going to hell. And it means nothing. Being awake means nothing to those who are sleeping. Awake doesn't exist. So of course I got asked what my score was, followed by the usual "of course, she's all religious--chuckle chuckle". And it absolutely made me ache inside. Not because I was being picked on, but because I can live in this world for 21 years, following Jesus for the last 7, and I still don't know how to reach them. How to love them. And wake them. I know all the words, all the actions, and I have tools and books up the wazoo. But. But their hearts still don't know Jesus. The people I work with, and many other unbelievers I've met the last little while, don't think much of "Christians" because they think we're 1) judgemental, 2) loving them/getting to know them with an agenda, and 3) boring. And this is what I'm finding. That eloquent words, ministry "tools", and even all the good intentioned "save them from hell" theology isn't getting us anywhere. We need Jesus to speak to the real deep down need in their hearts. We need to love them unconditionally, not just to get them to become Christians. And we need to have joy. Only Jesus can save the people I work with. We can't and shouldn't want to fool them into becoming Christians. If someone is sleeping and you run into their room, jump onto the bed screaming, and put your face into theirs, they are going to punch you and then roll over and go back to sleep. Let's let Jesus wake them. Let's let Him use us to make the coffee, hug them, and do whatever He wants. Not what we think is best. Okay, well I've gotten carried away with this email. What was joyful in my day today?... Jesus' sweet voice telling me that He is sufficient in my weakness. It brought joy into my life to see how crazy in love Jesus is with the people I work with. Hmmm....yeah. Too long email, but I just got carried away and had to get all this stuff out. Bless you today. Let Jesus wake your heart closer and closer to Him. I pray you'd find Joy in your life today. Amen.

And go...

Salutations! This blog has been created by two friends in different provinces. We wanted a place to share what is in our hearts. We are followers of Jesus who are crazy in love with Him. He is our everything, our best friend, and the reason of our lives. Over the past couple of months we have felt an urgency and a burning in our hearts that Jesus is up to something extraordinary. This is our place to express that which is deep inside our spirits. And to express Joy. In the busyness of our lives we have come to see that there is a need to rejoice in who Jesus is. To rejoice in the small moments of Jesus in our day. That's where the word Exulto comes from. It's Latin for "to exult joyfully". And that really is the cry of our hearts--that we would exult our Jesus and the things He's doing in our lives with joy. So here we go. Welcome.