Ash...exulto...

In all the craziness of what my life has been these last couple of weeks I seem to have forgotten what this blog and ultimately what my life is to be about--praising God. I've just been spending so much time thinking about all the things I have to get together that I haven't really focused on answering why Jesus might want me to be right here, right now. Swift Current is a hard place for me and I'm restless, but I think he might actually have a plan in keeping me here for the next while. I trust that He does. Anyhoo, today I finished packing up all my stuff for the big move in August to Winnipeg and now I am once again living out of a suitcase--which is actually quite comforting to me. It's invigorating to me to carry everything important to me between 2 bags. Loves it. But today was a great day for 2 other reasons:
#1...my friend Asha from Tobago called me today. That's me and her in the pic. It was so great to hear her voice and find out everything that's been going on in her life. Just being connected was phenomenal. It reminded me that remembering Tobago can be a sweet, wonderful, important thing and not just painful realization that I am far away from there. Thankyou Jesus for that phone conversation and for an amazing friend.

#2...supper out with my grandparents and coffee afterwards with them and my great aunt and uncle. I had been dreading the coffee part with the aunt and uncle because...well I guess I've been reclusing the last couple of weeks. But honestly, I laughed so hard tonight that at one point there were tears in my eyes. I'm learning so much about my family and as a result learning so much about me. I come from an amazing heritage and I'm privileged to have the family I have.

Tomorrow I'm transplanting flowers with my grandma. Friday I'm making pies. That aparantly is what I am not doing with my life. And it's all good.

Entry 707/ The Perils of Ayden..............Amber

"I'm afraid," he confessed as Maven stood with him in the place where his quest would begin.
"Of what?" Maven asked in his calming voice.
"For this journey. Have I learned all I need to know?" Ayden queried.
"Ayden," he replied, "you know all you need to learn."
"What should I take with me?" Ayden continued.
"Leave all you have and take all you are."
Ayden persisted, "And the path, is it safe to travel?"
Maven looked at him sternly for the first time he could remember and scolded him, "It is not safe to remain! It is not the place but the Presence that upholds you! This is your only certainty. Go! Walk where no man has walked, yet you will find footprints."

Ashley...you can call me Miss Undecided...

So I'm not sure what the exact medical term would be for my current state of mind but I'm sure it can be cured. Basically I have a new idea for my life every morning. My mom has basically stopped listening to my new ideas because she knows it will probably not rise with the sun tomorrow. There's a few things that I have decided on (like where I'm spending next year) but now I'm trying to decide where to spend the next two months...here are the finalists: Calgary-I need a job and a place to stay, Winnipeg-I probably have a temp job for the two months but I would need a place to stay, Swift Current-(who thought that'd be on the list) My grandma wants me to stick around for the two months before I leave again but I don't have a job here, and then there's the misc. crazy ideas: Langley B.C.; working at any camp, pick a camp. In all honesty in the last day I had pretty much considered living in a tent (I'm still considering it actually). So here's the main reason I am boring you with all these details--If you read through this and you think to yourself "hmmm, y'know I might have a place to live/job for 2 months that Ashley might be interested in" you could email me about such opportunity. If not, I'm still basically taking this day by day considering I'm still not sure where to go, so you'll probably see another fascination blog from me soon.

Y'know what's really funny--I'm not stressed out about this. I'm just not. I'm at peace and I know that I'll end up exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm kind of restless, but in the last 2 days I have had some great conversations about Jesus with strangers here in Swift that have encouraged and inspired me. People all over this world are loving Jesus in their communities and jobs and families. I am not alone. We are not alone. We are part of a great family of believers of Jesus. It has done my heart good to remember that.

Ash...no comment...

I didn't know what to call this blog. Even as I begin typing I don't know what to write. I've been back in Canada now for almost 2 weeks and I've been avoiding blogging because I know that having to form thoughts will force me to confront myself. Everyday the looming question remains, "what are you doing with your life Ashley?" I wish it could be so easy to answer. I'm definitely not avoiding answering this question because I'm enjoying this current state of rest--I AM NOT ENJOYING IT. I am restless and I just want to get on with it. I keep throwing around all my options and the pros and cons of both and when it comes down to it all I want is to know clearly where God has for me to go. My heart is so torn. I feel called to Winnipeg but I have no money to move there and no job or place to live if I somehow hitch-hiked my way there. I love Tobago and Lindsay really wants me to lead a LifeForce team there next year to train up this other girl to lead the following year. I don't really want to lead another team but I LOVE being a missionary, I want to help Lindsay and the community of LifeForce is one place I feel like I actually fit in. I have alot of debt from doing correspondace school and I still have a couple of classes and practicums to complete. This is why I didn't want to come back from Tobago. I knew that there were many questions that would require answers once my feet hit this ground. No more avoidance or sweet ignorance. I just want to know fully what I'm to do. I just want someone to lead me. I know that Jesus has a plan and I know that He wants to lead me. So what is my problem then?..............................................The problem is that either decision--whichever choice is the right one--will require the sacrifice of the other and I don't want to face that. I don't want to let anyone down or disappoint anyone, but either place will mean something else will have to wait. Moving to Winnipeg means that the vagrant, missionary lifestyle will have to rest and that I will be leaving my safe, comfortable community of LifeForce, and I will be placing Tobago in someone else's hands--hands that may not love it or invest in it the way I do. Going back to LifeForce means that the heart for native people that God has been birthing in me for the last year and a half will have to lay dormant and that the passion I have for fulfilling the dream God has given me to open up youth centres that use the arts to reach out to at-risk young people will stay burdened up in me.
I'm afraid to leave LifeForce. I'm afraid of being alone with a dream in Winnipeg. I'm afraid of living a life that is empty of passion and risk. My soul cries for passion and risk but my flesh is terrified of it. What if I miss out on the revival that God is going to bring to Winnipeg? What if the next Tobago LifeForce team leaders don't.....I don't know.

I'm going for a walk. What do you think the chances of me getting mugged in Swift Current at midnight are?

Piercing the Darkness; not just a great book.......Amber

I sat at the drop in centre tonight, after all the kids had left, in total peace. Just sat there for like 15 minutes. Then I stared at this screen and tried to think of how to describe that feeling, but I couldn't so I went home. Haha pretty sad eh!?
When I got home I decided that I wanted to go for a run, even though it was 10:30pm but that wasn't werid for me because my most favorite runs are at night.

So as I was running I started to think about the half marathon that I'm going to run on Father's Day; I've never ran 21km before, but I've done the relay. And for some reason I was thinking of what I would say if I was on the sidelines and wanted to cheer someone on. I would yell, "DIG DEEP!". And as soon as I thought that, I knew what kind of peace I was having at the drop in centre. It's like the peace after completing a difficult run; after experiencing God in conversation; after finishing an exam and knowing that the studying you did made a difference. Just that peace after digging deep inside of you and discovering that God's strength is there after all. Its such a good peace!

And THEN! I continued with my run, and I was running up to the driveway to the elementary school (just to cross it), but a car was turning into the driveway. I thought that this was pretty strange because who would be go to the elementary school at 11pm. But they waited a long time to let me cross the driveway...until I was in the middle of the road and they stuck their foot on the gas pedal and almost ran me OVER! Then they proceeded to drive right behind me with their brights on and then speed up to cut me off at the next road. see I even drew you a picture (I think the endorphines are kicking in) But anyways something came over me and I just knew that I had authority over this stupid car and I kept running as normal. And that got me thinking about darkness and nighttime; Just how everything seems so much more hidden in the darkness, but really sometimes the most honestly comes out at night (because people think that they can hide!hahah!) Like for an extreme example....most crimes are done at night, but during the day the criminal will try to fit in or act normal...not to cause suspicion.

Actually after tonight I feel more the hope that God has for Stonewall. When I run it feels almost that I'm apart of the warfare that is occuring for this town because it's the best time to talk to God about Stonewall and YFC. I pray that the centre and these churches are a challenage to whatever is the cause of the lurking darkness in this town; and that unity (specfically in Stonewall)is not some dreamt up, romantized, theology that we acknowledge without thinking twice about....never alone apply action to.

Faithful One?! Yeah that's what He is!.......Amber

CRISIS,
"The Chinese character for 'crisis' is actually a combination of two other characters. One is 'danger', but the other is 'opportunity'. We usually view a crisis as something to totally avoid. We see or experience the danger, never dreaming or desiring that it may involve an oportunity."

I guess for me this has been a week of family crisis. And as I was thinking about this I really appreciated this defination of crisis...just because there is so much hope in the "Canadian crisis"; when we get to the point where we get to break through the surface level. I'm so tired of staying on the surface; with the drop in centre, with the issues of life that we all dance around and avoid. The family secrets....the ignored pain...the down played divorce...the silent screamers...the game of life that we play. Some days the air just feels so heavy with pain; Every corner you turn, there it is! But...I would choose pain, crisis and sorrow over the comfort of apathy; I would choose God's action over temporary sanity; I would choose near death over barely living. Obedience over satisfaction.

I know I"m being quite vague right now, but this blog has always been supposed to be a chance for me to shout my praises to God (with Ash keeping me accountable)!! God has had His hand all over the problems of this week and the action never seems to end; He is never at rest! His agenda will happen even if I don't have the emotional strength to see it all the time. He is SO faithful

I'm definately a Christmas Eve shopper.........Amber

Hmmm...Happy Mothers Day?! Well it started off a little clumsy as I procastinated in buying my mother's Mother's Day gift. NOT that I didn't know what i was getting her (which of course is half the battle), but I just thought it would happen on its own. The scary thing is is that I sometimes actually think things will get done on it's own...only to be brutally disappointed that it doesn't. To make a long story short; it was a fiasco to get and I had enough blonde moments to fail 80 years of school.

But all's well that ends well! I found my family at last...with the gift wrapped and locked in the trunk. My grandma from out of town was in and we had supper with her. I love hanging out with the extended family. I'm not sure why, but it's the greatest thing since they combined toilet paper with cardboard rolls.

Sorry...seriously this blog has a point. I guess I have secretly always have been a touch annoyed that I am the oldest grandchild on both sides of the family. There's no rational explaination why I feel that way, but there's always that lie that says that I have to be the responsible one without ever having someone "be there" for me. Which of course is not true. It's funny how we put expectation on ourselves. Many amazing people have poured themselves into my life.

But I was sitting there with my Grandma; and all of a sudden I realized how grateful I am to have known my grandparents. Like my grandfather passed away (tragically) 2 Feburaries ago, and I'm the only grandchild he saw graduate. Most of my cousins will never remember our grandpa which is just CRAZY to me. And I am reading this and wondering how I could write a blog on such a small thing; I just miss him. But I'm thankful that I can miss him because I knew him.

And it's just amazing how God cares about those little details in our lives. He doesn't hesitate when it comes to caring about something that the world considers insignificant.

Ashley's in Canada!!! yayy!! ..............Amber

Hey! Today....May 12,2006 is great because....
Ashley Lyn Neustater is finally back in the country after courageously leading a team of action-packed-drama-playing-Jesus-loving team of young adults in Trindad and Tobago for the past 4 months! Will she be the same? Doubtfully so...with the whole servant of God-leadership-missions-Lifeforce combo...it'll be interesting to see where she goes from here!

Ash...I seriously miss you and I can't wait until we have our tea under the stars again!! I have a possible house and a job here if you call me soon! I love you and I can't wait to hear all of your stories!

YAY!! Does it get any better than this?!.......Amber

Today was GREAT! Honestly, I thought that it had potential to blow some partial chunkage, but it was just greeeat (as my friend Tony the Tiger would say). I woke up pretty pumped because I was going to meet this kid from the drop in center because the night before we got into a discussion about his life, my life and what God has to do with that. And so this morning we were going to talk and I was going to give him a Bible. I highlighted a couple of verses in the Bible and kinda got it ready; then I was going to put his name in it but then I didn't for some reason. So this Bible was all prepared for someone; but the kid didn't show up (which was okay, because we talked later online).

So I decided to go to the centre early and work on this silly website (that has been driving me nuts!), and this other girl from the drop in center came online and we started talking. And she had responded that she was interested in learning more about the Bible when this Lifeforce team came in (and we had ordered Bibles and they had just come in). We had lost a bit of contact, but we started talking today! And so I told her to come to the centre and I'd give her her Bible. And it was just so incredible. She told me about all the things she was going through, and how she always prayed to God even though she didn't go to church. I just got to sit down with her, explain the love of God and the gospel; show her some verses in her Bible...and she was so excited about everything! So we prayed together and she prayed and asked God to come into her life and for forgiveness! So we're going to meet again next week to talk, pray and look at the Word. God is just so beyond me! I forgot what it felt like to see someone recieve God's love for the first time; and the most surprising part was her openness. Like I haven't talked to anyone who has been that open to the gospel since AFrica. Almost a year!! God's plan is just so faultless

And it's funny because a close friend of mine prayed specifcially this week in an email, that the youth in Stonewall open themselves.

I just think that I sometimes assume that people in Canada don't want to hear about something as remarkable as the gospel; and that the response to it is always a critical one. There are so many things and people in my life that bless the snot out of me right now; I can't even handle it, so I'm going to go to bed...because tommorrow is going to come

If only perseverence came in pill form......Amber

Awwww....look at the poor little plant pushing past the cement; acutally it kinda makes me want to stomp on it! Haha just kidding. Speaking of stomping...I had my first night of College basketball ID camps. I was sooo nervous; mainly because I haven't played organized girls basketball in like four years. I've only been playing in men's casual leagues (nothing serious at all). The first thing I noticed was how much smaller the ball was! I could palm the ball (see Evan I do have man hands!)

But all excuses aside, I had a horrible practice. And it ended with a girl stepping on my foot and rolling her ankle badly. I know it wasn't my fault, but I felt SO bad! The coach spent a lot of time telling me how off my shot was and it was just really awkward playing with girls. SUCH a different game and I'm so undiscipined!

BUT! I realized something! That I usually suck hardcore at anything I start. Like how I got cut from the soccer team in high school but the next year I came back and became captian. Or on one of my first nights of being a youth leader, I gave a girl a bleeding nose; and the second night I forgot three kids at a church! Now that I'm thinking about it, the stories seem kinda countless! I think anything that I've ever completed or achieved has usually started off with me bombing. So I'm sitting back and thinking, "okay...now I know what to do; it's time for the comeback!" But it just involves everything outside of my comfort zone! Perseverance is crazy in a way that you don't always get your favorite ending no matter how hard you work....but that's the adventure part.

Random question:
Life is like a "Choose your own adventure" book. True or False?

blurring the details........Amber

I've been having so much trouble lately collecting my thoughts; so much has been happening around me that it all seems to be blurring at times! Life can just be so unforgiving; with cars that break down, rear-ended accidents that occur, thumbs that get sprained, kids who continue to test your love, slushies thrown in anger (haha), paper work that only pile toward the sky, classes that never end, stomaches that don't settle, feelings of missing people who never seem to come home, and disciplines that are left for Monday (or was that the Monday after next?!). It's not that I feel stressed out, but more so that I'm swept away at times.

But today at the drop in center was one of those unexpected-crazy-out-of-the-norm days! I'm surprised that there was anything left at the YFC center left unbroken. My mind was going a mile a minute and nothing was going seemingly well. Finally at the climax of the night, I had to have a serious chat in the office with one of the girls I knew really well. She had done something completely inappropriate and out of character. So as I waited for her to come, I just felt all of the obsticles of the day melt away and just peace came into the office. I can't describe it; I had this overwhelming feeling not to be concerned with what she had done, but rather that God was going to show me something deeper. And we sat there and talked about some crazy stuff and we got to pray together for a long time! I don't know, tonight felt like such a fight and God was so present in everything. I just felt like God was letting me see so many things about the kids tonight. I know that probably doesn't make sense (and I'm starting to get tired)... but it's incredible how clear God is when we need Him to be.

As Thomas Aquinas would say, "I would rather feel compassion than know the meaning of it". I say the same thing for life. I would rather live in the God Moments than understand everything about this blur called my life or future.