Just tapping my fingers........Amber

So I just recieved the most unsuspected morning off today! I was supposed to be at this meeting all day and it just cancelled itself (well actually my director cancelled it..haha even better)! But after finishing my devotions and other random things that need to be done in the morning, I've found that I've had an overloading amount of time just to sit and think.

Out of a conversation that I had with a friend last night, I was thinking this morning about the million and one plans I have swimming around in my head. For life during and after school...for summer, fall, any season...But it's just so funny then none of those plans (God's or mine) ever seem to fit in with what I"m doing right now at this moment. I've been praying for months; asking for some vision for the kids in this town but God hasn't given me anything but the next step.

How do you become a bolder light? Is it only in presence of a more severe darkness? How do you become a true light in a community/world that operates in the artifical light of wealth? Even the darkness hides.
"The light shines in the darkness but the darkness does not overcome it" John 1:5

Is it really oposite day?.......Amber

It's been such a strange weekend. Oy! Things have been on a changing rampage and I really am kind liking it! Seeing family, ministry, friendships in a different light. I actually ran into someone I was friends with in high school. I hadn't seen her in like 4 years and it was really interesting finding out what she's been doing these past few years. And I realized just how much has happened and that everyday brings on a different world. Seems like everything I've said that I would never do...I do. And everything I said I HAD to do....I haven't done. Maybe it's just because sometimes there is something in my spirit that rebels against God's Will without me knowing. Because doing the things I never said I would, has brought so much more joy and freedom than I could've ever made for myself. Using words like "never" or "should" are usually dangerous. Cause really...who can say "never" besides God?! Dangerous vows.
I am very focused but I don't know the next step. Sometimes it feels like this bridge. I know it's the bridge I'm supposed to be on...but what's on the other side? Hmmm...that whole trust thing again...

Ash...sweet sweet chariot...

Wow, today. Today I received an email from my amazing friend Katie. This email...well I hate to use dumb phrases like "changed my life" or "made my day", but it really was phenomenal. It's like through this email I remembered that I am more than a LifeForce team leader, and that my life consists of more than these last 7 months. I definitely came into this year with a different mindset, but because I'm so isolated and far away it's easy to get consumed by all Jesus is doing in me and easy to get overwhelmed by how much I desire to be changed in my life. I knew that this whole experience would considerably change my life and it definitely has. Much has been birthed and developed in me. Even this morning I realized how desperately I want to spend closet time with Jesus. This week I've been more alone than any other time this whole mission (I'm being billeted alone) and I had forgotten how phenomenal it is to be alone with Jesus. I'm so bad at just making the time and effort to really pray and worship just because I love to do so. Then I got an email from Katie reminding me of the absolutely amazing times of intercessory and prophetic worship times we've had. It was really what I needed to hear after everything I was thinking all morning. I was reminded that there was an Ashley before this mission started and that there will be an Ashley in 4 weeks when this is all over. It will definitely be a changed Ashley. It will for sure be a renewed Ashley. But I will still be Ashley.

I thank Jesus for Africa. I never imagined I'd go and there were times throughout that I didn't think I'd survive, but if I hadn't gone it would be unlikely that I would have Katie and Amber in my life, and that surely would be one of the greatest losses in my life. I love you two so much. You inspire me to abandon myself more and more to Christ. Katie--your heart of worship...it makes me speachless and I'm just overwhelmed that I have even been a witness to it. Amber--your passion is like nothing I've seen and being able to hear how you've lived your life is one of the greatest privileges I've had. I love you both so much! Thank you for being my friends.

It feels good to remember.
It feels good to look ahead and dream.
It feels good to love and be loved.

Then the light turned on.............Amber

This is a picture of me and Robyn. It was taken a couple of years ago when we were buying our first set of scrubs. We had ended up in some kind of warehouse where they only do shipping out and massive orders of scrubs...but the man was really nice and gave us this huge discount! But he took a picture for his advertising....it was SOOOOOO funny.....and a little sketchy at first; but it all ended well!

Tommorrow marks the first day of exam writing. The Lifeforce team that has been visiting us for the past few days have left and I am forced to face the reality that I have a TON of work ahead of me. There's something about studying that just makes me grouchy and on edge. It's like some kind of force(probably something similiar to the phenomenon of procastination) takes my brain, grips it, and then shakes it around until I get so annoyed that I stop! I know that I sound like I"m over exaggerating, but it's been driving me crazy! Something inside of me is just so rebellious to studying. I LOVE learning. Hands on learning I can do for hours and I do well in my clinicals. Even sitting and listening to lectures is alright because you can ask questions and get involved. But sitting in my room and forcing myself to read has not been working for me.

So I was having breakfast with my mom this morning and she brought be back to the memories of when I first started nursing. There were all these miracles that had brought me to this point that I had completely forgotten about. For an example...I was applying to get into a pre-nursing course (because it let me skip the 2 year wait list, updated all the courses I needed and allowed me to work on some of my first year nursing courses) and I had to go in to write a test. On the way driving to the school my car broke down in the middle of rush hour traffic, but someone helped me off the road and fixed my car. Then I got to the college and found out that there was a 25$ fee for writing the exam and that this was the last opportunity to write it. I had NO idea, and I had NO money at all on me, but the man behind the counter just winked at me and said that I didn't have to worry about it and he signed me off as being paid. My mom still thinks that was an angel! :) Then I ended up being accepted into this pre-nursing course in which was a "mistake" because it is only specifically for mature students, english as a second language students, and single parent students...of which I am none. My teachers told me that they have no clue how I got into the program and then I got to share with them my faith! It was so crazy...my other friends tried to get in but they couldn't.

So yeah, there are a few other moments of grace that God has given me these past couple of years and no matter how busy I get, He keeps my marks at an honorable state. It's so humbling knowing that the only reason why I have made it this far is because of Him, but these reminders give me peace for today and encourages me to do my part in being responsible in what God has given me. To discipline myself, not so I can achieve a certain mark, but so I can learn the material that GOD has given me to learn.

And on that note...I should go study....YAY

Ash...worth it all...

Okay, so I'm going to let you all in on a little secret...I'm losing myself. All the skills and talents that I thought made up my identity are being lost. I was an administrated person--well I've become crazy forgetful and scatterbrained (which is not so good when I am to be organizing an international missions team...gulp). I was a good speaker--well I have become increasingly unable to communicate myself and though God is putting some words in me to share, I find myself stumbling verbally when it comes to sharing. All of these things, and more, that I considered to be something that made up my identity is being lost. I was speaking to the Lord about this and the concern that it is becoming to me and my worst fear was confirmed by Him: He is taking some things away for a time to place in me a new perspective and to restore to me a childlike faith and understanding. It might sound delightful, but the working out of it, as I feel so weak and frustrated, is something else. Co-leading this team has had it's share of overwhelming moments. In Tobago (a place that my heart longs for and loves) I was able to overlook the overwhelming moments because I LOVED the ministry I was involved in. I loved connecting with people. Here in Trinidad it's been harder and different, as connecting with people has proved quite difficult and unfulfilling...and I havn't graped the same LOVE for this island as I have for Tobago. So since coming here 2.5 weeks ago, my heart has been more aware of it's burdened and weak feeling. Today was again a hard day...but at the school we went to for assembly, they had a music room with a REAL PIANO!!!! I just sat and played and worshipped and I probably would have stayed all day if Nathan had let me. Then tonight we had what could have been a very bad situation with our team and while me and Nathan were speaking on the phone with someone there was a girl kind of standing off to the side of a dark side street. Nathan was on the phone so I was just kind of walking around there waiting for my turn, while I just kind of walked over and started talking to her. We make idle chitchat and we worked around to me telling her what I was doing in Tobago. Suddenly Jesus just burst out of my life. She wanted to know about me, and everything just came back to Jesus in my life. She had never heard the gospel or been to a church before so I just shared God's heart for her. She asked me questions, like "well what if I accep this and then I keep doing wrong things?" and so many more and it just opened up an opportunity to be really real with her. She has alot of things going on in her life and I was just able to speak hope and Jesus' love into her situations. We talked about real things--struggles and relationships and living with Jesus and everything--and at the end I asked her if she wanted to accept Jesus into her heart, not because I wanted her to but as her own decision. She said "yeah yeah, I really want to accept Jesus into my life." I then led her to accept Jesus into her life and I can honestly tell you it was one of the greatest moments in my life. I wasn't even supposed to be there at that moment and even when I saw her I wasn't planning on going over and talking about anything with her. But God has other plans. I told Kishell (the girl) that we could think of this evening as chance or as a God appointed evening for her to start her life over with Jesus. After we prayed her whole countenance was changed and I realized again that this message of Jesus, His love, is one of real joy and real life and everything. It is everything. If I lose all ability to do everything--all my organizing, or social skills, or talents all vanish--and I am left as a simple child of God, it will be enough.

Frustrations and difficulties mean nothing in comparison to light coming into a life that was dark. I'll take a lifetime of sleepless nights and bad food if it means I can show another Kishell the way to Jesus. It is worth it. Please share Jesus with the people around you today. They need to hear. More than I can even comprehend, the message of Jesus love has to be shared with people. Blistery heat, malaria and killer ants, monotonous hours sat at a desk, and expectations of leadership--I'll take all of this and more for the rest of my life for the Kishells and Kameels and Rizas and Susans and Ashas of this world. They are worth every tear. Worth every day of dreaming. They are worth staying. They are worth going. They are who I will spend the rest of my life loving Jesus for. Worth it all.

.....G..R..A..C..E....................Amber

Oh wow!! How great and amazing is God eh?! Too good! I just had the most amazing night at College and Career, just saw the mark that I needed in Pharmacology and drove into my driveway to see a gigantic eyeball in my lawn staring at me (which turned out to be someone's basketball)! God's freedom is just so beautiful it makes me giddy and scared all at the same time!

I was having a rough week, and I was feeling really guilty because of one incident with a patient where I acted completely out of character. Even after making things right with her and reminding myself of all the reasons why I should forgive myself...my heart just got so heavy. So heavy to a point where I couldn't fall asleep without reading the Word (which I guess isn't a bad thing..hah). The "Accuser" can sometimes run rampent in my life; and it's funny the punishments we come up with for ourselves. For example...I noticed this week that every time I miss a shot in basketball, I subconsciously hit my thigh with my fist. I noticed because I now have this bruise that won't go away.

But at College and Career tonight we just had this amazing time of repentence; and I don't think I've known the true concept of repentence until tonight. Something in my spirit was just grieving. Grieving for all the times where I thought my self-punishment and torment was equal or even greater than God's grace; Grieving for my pride that says that it's fine for God to accept me but it's not ok for me to accept myself. Not that I don't love who God has made me, but that somewhere in this whole process of following Jesus I said that His blood wasn't enough for my mistakes and that discipline involves condemation. I think that's what grieves me the most.

And so I cried. Lots of people were crying the cry of repentence. And usually at College and Career, when someone cries eveyone gathers around them for a time of prayer. But it was so great! Because nobody moved or said a word. I spoke out my repentence and cried through it without concentrating on the emotions. Not that I don't think that emotions are important...but when there's business that God and I need to deal with, the focus just can't be on my emotion. Never to distract from the actual agenda of God. That wonderful agenda of God! wow!

So I now say God's grace is sufficent for my character flaws, negligence, laziness, impatience, wrongful decision making, deceitfulness, prideful pleasure, illful motivation, jealousy, stubborness, insecurities, etc. Amen

Sunsetting on my road.........Amber

It's amazing what things I forget sometimes. I never used to think I was forgetful but now I'm not sure. Hah. For the past couple of days I've been really focused on the here and now which is good; but then I sometimes lose perspective on things.

Life is like driving a car right? I mean if you keep your eyes constantly in your rear mirror(focusing on your past), then you can't see ahead and obviously you're going to hit ditch/other random things. But then again you need to check your rear mirror sometimes to make good decisions on where you are driving. I love that analogy and it really helps me to balance out my thought life.

But today it was really bizare, the things God was reminding me of in my past. I was on my way to SCA (my old youth group) for a Zambian presentation and as I was pulling out I noticed this massive, fat sunset behind my house in the field. So I was like 15 minutes late to this meal/theater presentation, because I was just sitting there thinking that heaven must look something close to this! And when I finally got to the church, there was a part in the play that described the beauty of an African sunset and how it's probably what heaven looks like. And the Zambian presentation was half multimedia and filmed in Zambia in the community that we had just worked in last summer so we recognized the one pastor and a couple of the kids! It was so incredibly vivid in my mind! I've just been trying to teach myself some self-control when it comes to focussing on missions because I know I get easily distracted; so I try to keep my mind off of it. But it was just such a gift from God to be able to enjoy what is in my heart! WOOT!

During this entire presentation I was sitting with a couple of girls from the high school. And they also work at the local library in our town. And one of them asked me if I knew that I was an author. And I was kind of stunned and said not really. I had no idea what they were talking about at first. All my childhood I wanted to be a writer....but it was something that is a very private thing for me now...
But then they told me the title of the book and the light bulb went on! It was actually a story that me and Stefani had written when we were in grade 6 and someone had published it and put it in our local library ( HAh STef if you're reading this I'm going to go find the book for us this week! ahha) And all of a sudden I was remembering all of these dreams of writing that I used to have when I was like in grades 3 all the way to like highschool that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about! All so very bizare.

So yeah onward we go, but always letting God remind us of what we need to direct our future.