Ash...gahmuhomeesokoeee...

Yes that is how I feel today. I am currently perched on the top bunk of one of the girls on my team and have finally found a wireless internet connection in my room. It has taken a LONG time and is a weak connection but it will be sufficient and I rejoice! Being on the internet reminds me of how much I suck at emailing. I have so many people I need to reply to and send emails to. I used to be really good at keeping in touch but over these past few months I've just really cone downhill. If you are one of those friends and are reading this please know that I do love you so much and please don't hold emails as an accurate rating of my love.

So Trinidad. So life. I had a dream last night about love and I woke up feeling more like myself than I have in weeks. As a leader I sometimes just get so removed from really being myself. Maybe you can relate? Maybe you have a job or a position or are in a place right now where you aren't really being yourself. I think we get so used to wearing a mask of convenience. I don't think we truly want to NOT be ourselves...I think we just get busy or caught up in our current situation that we neglect to really experience our own flesh or blood that pumps through us. Maybe I'm not making alot of sense, but I know I woke up this morning very aware of my skin--aware of the uniqueness of who I am and who I want to be.

We (our team) spent the last 2 days fasting and praying. I didn't eat from Monday supper till yesterday (wednesday) supper. I really wanted to just spend time in the presence of God and speak to him and be captured away by Him, but it didn't really happen. Nathan had our time really scheduled so that the people on our team that have a harder time with just spending large solid amounts of time focusing would be helped but it actually was way harder for me. I really wanted to just spend hours waiting for Jesus to speak and be able to pray out for all the people in my life. Overall it was good--Jesus did speak some really amazing things to me and it was actually quite a victory for me to fast for so long. But I longed for my own life. For a cave.

I've been thinking alot lately about this cave idea. I think it's so enticing to me because of the freedom a cave represents to me. No running water, no electricity, an atrocious number of bugs, in the middle of the forest--just feels so free to me. I'd have nothing but everything. Just stripping everything off so I could think clearly again and feel truly again. I have a good life and I am blessed to be where I am right now, but some days I just feel trapped in the monotony of responsibility. I am responsible for so many practical things as well as to uphold a certain charade. A leader, a christian, a logical caretaker--I miss the freedom from expectations. I miss my cave. I've been having tons of flashbacks lately--mostly from Africa and right after my breakdown in Calgary. I think I've been flashing back to that because in the midst of that utter brokeness I was so real. I was real about my deepest desires (sinfull and holy) and it opened up a freedom in my life. Things were so hard during those times, but I was Ashley in all my wretchedness. I was destroyed but there was something extravagantly beautiful about the pain. Beauty in ashes.

I hate the charade. I hate the mask I put on. I love the real Ashley. So why don't I let her live. In all her errors and honesty.

Time to shower and stop lazing around. Things to do, people to call, expectations to fill. A cave to find.

I kicked a girl and she ran away......Amber

I think that blogging is like the people watcher's dream; you have random people who are willing to express their feelings and thoughts online for the world to see. SOO interesting! Now I'm starting to sound creepy.
good night.

The betrayl of words......Amba

I was speaking at a youth group last night. Haha...I'm so incredibly not a "speaker", but I know the group really well and the Word for them was really clear! It wasn't an easy Word, but....
I dunno, do you ever get things placed in your heart, and it's so clear when you think about it; and it's this amazing revelation......that you just want to transfer it directly into someone else's heart, but somehow it gets lost in the tranlation of words? Like you leave a converstaion thinking..."Holy Spirit, I hope you intervened because there was no possible way my words could've connect my heart to theirs." Whenever I feel this way (when I'm speaking) subconsciously, I always use way more hand movements than neccessary just because I think it'll make something happen; some connection with God that I can't possibly do myself; perhaps in hope to jump start something in the heavenlies.
But too many times I walk away just feeling betrayed by words; that they didn't do thier job in communicating my heart. And that makes me feel ripped off! But reality states that my words aren't the Holy Spirit (as much as I hope they are guided by Him sometimes).
Maybe that's why quotes seem so attractive; people who have been able to find the words I've been searching for. :)

Word! Amber

The God moment of today was the most amazing 35 minute conversation with a girl living in Trinidad named Ashley!! Word!!!

Restless in Stonewall.....Amber

I can tell that I'm getting restless because I've been blogging more. That doesn't make sense, but it's true. Restlessness. A horrible thing. It's like having so much energy without any kind of focus to put the energy into. It's a waste and it's frustrating. Sometimes my home, my town, my school, my province seems like prison because I am restricted here. And usually every couple of months I need to get out...even if I only go a couple of hours away to Brandon. But it's been less than a month since I've gotten home from Eston and I'm already getting edgey.

And it all brings me back to disipline. To be disiplined enough to be attentive in class, to study (not just read) the Word, to make wise decisions with my time and finances so that I don't lose my mind. My heart can burst with songs, my feet can dance for joy, I can jump in gladness, even mourn for the hurting. Passion is not usually the problem on most days. But I dunno...could you imagine Braveheart's William Wallace? Like if he just had passion without his sword to back himself up. To scream and yell about freedom and fighting... and he couldn't fight? Couldn't use a sword? If in his prior years of training...all he did was be passionate and not develop the character and skills he would need to back his passion up? I'm not saying that any of us has to worry about being "good enough" so we don't screw up in the future; But to be responsible in the training that God has us in right now. It's just so beautiful to see the fruits of discipline. The three D's (right Stef?). First you have a Desire, then you must Discipline yourself, and that's followed by Delight.

I don't see it as a legalistic thing; but as something that is valued. To be good with the small; To be David. To find rest in this prison called school.

Silent Conversations.....Amber

My hands are cold.
Hmmm...so much to say. So much I want to say. besides the fact that my hands are cold.
Driving home from the city I had the most amazing of conversations with God. It has been a crazy week.

Lord,
I just want to run fast; run hard...run into the unknown. I have no idea what I"m diving into. Chasing You hard. I want everything inside of me to swell up into existance. I want to fall, to chase, to pursue, to breath You in and to feel You escape my lungs. To breathe you in more deeply. Just breath more deeply now; I'll take your invitation.

My thoughts are so unorganized. I hope that I can come back and organize them some time. I've stepped away from something that may not come back for a while. Three different people (who know me truely) have told me this week that they don't think that I'm suited for marriage. One of those people was my mother. And it just released something in me, where it's finally okay to want what I want! I guess it was just something that I needed. And I think that we all have to deal with the issue of marriage sometime or another; and it's just been up in my face lately. And not that I have any answers or anything but my mom just was able to release me of her idea of what my future would look like. And I feel wild; that suddenly there are no more rules, that anything can happen; I'm so excited for tommorrow and today and for everything that is happening. Nothing is wasted with God...NOTHING! God is going to hit the kids in this town hard! He is just so good!! SO GOOD!

Plan text amendments approved.......Amber

I couldn't think of a title for this blog. Unacceptable I know. But this could've been merely a chance to look into the depths of my soul in order to find out that my dad is a Certified Financial Planner(CFP).
And now for something completely different......
I went for a very cold run today. There's something about running outside that makes me feel so close to God. I started off on my back road, thinking how easy the run was so far....so warm...legs felt good. So I went about 3km and then turned around to do my intown run. That's when I realized that I was now running against the wind. And it sucked. I couldn't even look up; my lungs were hurting because of the freeze; and I felt like I was going backwards. All I could focus on was the turn that was still 1km away. But right before I turned off...I looked up and saw this amazing field of snow! And the sun had just set on this field and it was gorgous; absolutely stunning! The way the snow and sky connected just brought me to this place of peace. And so then I turned and headed back into town. And just everything that has been happening lately that I haven't been able to blog came into mind. I rarely look up. That during the struggle I keep my head down and get through the next four papers, 12 hour hospital shift and hope for the best. But I truely believe that the kids in the drop in center (not actually YFC itself) is my beautiful sky and field. That God has placed in my life so that I can get my eyes off my feet and see this beautiful thing that He is doing. My beautiful sky of peace.

So happy....Amber

Tonight was a great night at YFC! Honestly! These kids are just....FREAKING amazing! It was friday and we aren't usually open on Fridays for some reason (but I'm hoping that that will change soon) but the SCA jr youth was out and I opened the place and ran the center for them. But as we were there a whole bunch of kids that weren't with the youth group kept coming in which was awesome but the youth group had booked the place. Finally at like 8:30pm these three boys that I know pretty well, come walking in. One of them has no pants on (you wouldn't believe the story if I told you) but instead was wearing a garbage bag. But it was right when the youth group was starting their devotions. So I said that they could come in if they listened to the devotion and they did! And they listened so well and it was on decisions...and it was just so great to talk to them and see them.

And I was talking to a Stef yesterday night (this sounds familiar for some reason) and she just really helped me to realize a lot of different things. I mean, I'm not really a visionary, I'm not really an entertainer, I'm not really a counsellor and I'm certainly not an organizer by any means. I really would just love to hang out and talk and love these kids. Spend like countless hours with them... I wish that's all it was about. But we have to be responsible as well I suppose. I just wish that I would not get frustrated with what I can't do and just enjoy the things I enjoy. I guess we're all figuring that out....

The only things that stay the same are God, M&M's and white socks....Amber

"If we could raise one generation with unconditional love, there would be no Hitlers. We need to teach the next generation of children from Day One that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or from fear."
-Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I just really enjoy that last part of the this quote. I dunno, maybe it's just a time in the lives of millions of people in their early 20s...where we are overloaded with decisions. Life feels too much a like a "choose your own adventure" sometimes where every little deceision will either make you or break you (Even though that's so not true at all)But lately I've been trying to decide whether or not I want to do my third year in 1 year or 2. And up until yesterday I was convinced that I was going to do it in two (I mean...more basketball? duh!). I find that I'm questioning my motives a lot more lately, and as a result persection has been changing. Now I'm pretty sure that I'm going to take the plunge...have a year where terror will reign and still graduate 2008.
Haha and I think most of that decision has been influenced by how much I appreciate people in my class; the support that is there. People like Robyn, Andrea, Steph, Julie...that I could NOT do this degree without! I'm so committed to these people which is strange for me to realize because I always thought that I was detached. And then again this week it hit me when I was talking to Stefani and she mentioned just how committed we both are to our friendship. Committment has always been such a scary and boring word to me. Something that if I could avoid that I would more crazy or adventurous. But there is just so much safety in committment. Could you image what it would be like if God wasn't committed to us every second of our lives? (even though we can't return that as much as we try). But there's a special kind of safety that is built even in relationships that have lasted for decades! I dunno, that was huge for me. And remember committment and attachment are two different things as well. Hmmmmmmmmmm....

Encouter THIS, weekend.....Amber

Hey yall. I should be studying at this very moment but I'm just so dedicated to blogging and to the art of procastination that here I am! Haha.
Encounter weekend was so wonderful! I mean besides the 12 hour drives where I was self diagnosing myself with ADHD, it coudln't have been more perfect timing. I've just been so frustrated lately with myself and where things are with YFC. I'm still praying about a program/internal structure but nothing seems to come. The only thing that I keep rediscovering are things that I know I don't want it to be; Just another number crunching, light flashing, formulatic program where we just fill time. And I know I've talked to so many people who say..."I want to be a pastor but I want it to look different; or I want to be a counsellor but I want it to look different; reach out". That's all great but what does that look like? When it actually comes to put my words into action, my mind leaves me blank.
Which is fine because it has to be the Holy Spirit at work. And the fact is, is that I can't think up the Holy Spirit (as funny as that sounds). But I do have the physical ability and talents to probably figure out a program that would work and maybe get some kids out twice a week on my own. I think that's the scariest part about doing missions and ministry in Canada/North America. The unfortunate fact is is that we don't need the Holy Spirit in order to run a "successful" ministry and that scares the shit out of me.
So I will continue to wait. Wait for an answer before moving. Even if it looks like I've failure, it was never up to me to succeed anyways. God truely wants to see these kids in relationship with Him, and I guess it's just time to start living as though I know that!

snow from halifax...

Hey I just thought I'd blog quickly before I head to Eston. I'm actually blogging live from my clinical (supper break) and I'm kinda bored/overtired. But my clinical instructor asked me today if I was going to Sask to visit a boyfriend and I laughed and said, "I would never waste this much time travelling to see a guy" (which is ironic because I have). And I was stunned at the bitterness that leaked out of my mouth because I really didn't mean that! And I couldn't figure out why I would say something as stupid as that....but I think I'm going to blame it on the coffee. And so then later in the day I was setting up some patients for their supper in the dining room and this man with dementia was kinda freaking out and I was trying to get him to sit down. But when his wife came in he was totally fine and just waved to her and hugged her and was so excited to see her! They are both like over 70 years old but it really touched me to see that kind of passion still at their age (even though he has dementia...wait is there a correlation?? haha just kidding). So all in all everything is awesome; I love being a *cough*student*cough* nurse and really look forward one day of this being my job. IT's incredible!