Ash 44...farewell to June...

Please stop the world, I'd like to get off. Oh my goodness this month. June. Life. So I naturally do not accept change well, but in my old age (haha) I've been able to grapple with sudden and full-lifestyle changes much more graciously. That was until June 2005. Now it seems like everyday I grow more and more convinced that running away to live in a cave somewhere in the mountains is a better and better idea. Just add up all the things in my life--job, cell group, school, quitting job and cell group, living in the tiniest room ever with people after living in whole houses by myself, going back to LifeForce, raising ministry support, wondering if I'm making the right decisions, trying to maintain a closeness with Jesus, leaving Calgary, leaving my friends here--and let me tell you. Half my friends are either falling in love or getting married, resulting in a serious lack of phone call/email return. And I am leaving my life as I know it, to try and build a new life for myself. I always seem really excited for new things until it comes right to the time to walk into it. Then I get terrified. And instantly all these old insecurities come back out of nowhere. But there is only one person that makes it worthwhile. Jesus. He reads all my blogs and loves to respond. He returns all my calls and emails. He'll never diss me for another guy/girl. He remains faithful, understands exactly when I need a hug or just a silent presence sitting beside me. He loves me perfectly. So even if June rears it's ugly head again one of these months, I'll survive it just like I did this June, because my sweet Jesus causes everything to work for good for those who love Him and are called by His Name. Amen to that.

Mid-day quote from Ashley

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.--Marianne Williamson

Ash 43...if only I'd known...

So in the spirit of "love" here's my blog of the day. Today I had a conversation with a friend. We were both remarking at all the recent engagements of many of our friends and the craziness of that. Then he asked me at what age I would like to get married...I kinda hummed and haa'd around the question because really only in the last little while did I even think I wanted to get married. I basically told him that I was glad I hadn't gotten married before now, and that I felt more and more ready to get married these days, and that I'm busy with my life and I'm not really settled enough to committ to someone. That conversation coupled with another incident today really got me thinking about marriage. Now, let me set a couple of things straight--first of all I havn't seen a ton of healthy relationships, nor have I had alot of great examples in my family and life. That kind of makes me consider how "worth it" the whole idea of marriage really is. Secondly, although I know so so SO many awesome guys, it's a whole different ball game to conceive actually marrying one of them. Finally, I actually enjoy being single. Maybe it's because I'm a control-freak (hah, just kidding) and like making my own decisions, or because I have alot of goals and am quite focused on God's plan for my life. Either way I enjoy making my own decisions and only having to worry about me. Maybe that sounds selfish, but me just having me seems to make things more simple in my head. Then this afternoon God spoke something to me. I was thinking and thinking about marriage and how my life just doesn't seem ready for a relationship. God then interupted me with these convicting words: "Ashley, love is not meant to be convenient. It is not such that it waits for you to be prepared. The truest, most sincere and beautiful love is that which sweeps you off your feet and fills you with wonder. Suddenly life just arranges it itself and you find that there is someone who actually gives you hope that relationships can work out, that there is someone out there for you, and that you'd actually rather be with this one than single and alone." That's still a scary thought that I'm trying to make sense of, but what really scares me is that is might be true. That there might actually be a happy ending and I would have to discard of my skepticisms. Meh, I'll think more about this later, but tonight I face the fact that I may have fallen already and that it feels beautiful. Oh my goodness.

Am....42...Beach...Sun...Huddarites...

It's 1am and I just got home from the beach! YAY! I just had such a great some with some friends from school and it was great to not have to be anything. I didn't have to be responsible...I didn't have to be a student...I didn't have to be anything but me. And we played beach volley ball with these ex-huddarite guys and it was truely one of the most amazing things in the world! I have no idea why but it was so interesting but these guys were like trash talking each other the whole time but it was very different trash talk that I've ever heard! And all of us girls just had girl talk and just relaxed and reminsed about everything we've been through this past year and how God has brought us together and taken us through everything. Ah...one more exam...

Am...41...REST...

This afternoon I laid in my bed for approximately 2 hours. Yes I had a final to study for. Yes I had youth to plan for tommorrow. Yes I had bags to pack for my trip next week. Yes I should have been doing anything but laying down. But I just laid there drifting in and out of sleep, and not even worrying about what I was SUPPOSED to be doing as I had just finished some wonderful moments with Jesus and my prayer journal so the only thing that seemed appropriate was to lay down.
I thought about how different life is each day...how much I am loved by my family and that no matter what happens that they love the Lord and how grateful I am for that (and how my sister was losing her mind today! haha)...I thought about what kind of a day Ash was having with her job and hoped that I would talk to her tonight...And I had a really good chance to sit and just appreciate the fact that Jake is coming to visit me the day after tommorrow and the fact that I can talk to him almost everyday and have him in my life...
It was amazing to have rest that you don't have to feel guilty about and to know that it was the only thing Jesus wanted me to do at that moment. And coming out of that time, I saw the world differently and I noticed things that I wouldn't have noticed if I were just rushing around and made decisions that were for different reasons. I guess maybe I felt a little more human rather than a psycho-tasking machine (that operates very poorly for the record). Amen

Ash 42...bright side...

I am actually looking quite forward to the next step of my life. I know that I am entering a brand new stage in this journey and, although I am nervouse, I am so ready to move on from this place. This has been one of the hardest months of my life in a very long time. I have been overwhelmed in almost all of my commitments--cell group, job, friendships, personal issues. I am very ready to welcome in something else. Today was probably the worst day of work I have ever had. To get into the reasons why would take a lifetime unless you've already heard me talk about my job, in which case, today was just worse than usual. My boss is continually confronting me for absolutely no reason. She only became my team-leader at the beginning of this month, knows nothing about my, or any of our, jobs, and yet she comes in with a "better-than-you" attitude and tells us to do things that will not work. I made the mistake today to try and talk to her in a calm and humble attitude about some of the things that aren't working in my attempt to train the girl replacing me. (Freaking, no human can learn 6 months worth of stuff in 2 weeks) But my boss freaked out at me, unjustifiedly, in front of my whole department. Luckily I resisted the urge to fight back, and the urge to walk out. Also, good was that everyone in my department heard how unreasonable she was being so they know it wasn't my fault. Funny, how good that feels eh? To know that other people know that you are not wrong. Hmmm...anyway I'm trying to get to the point. When I resumed training the girl, I was right pissed off and in a very bad mood, and whenever I would start to almost cry, the guy that sits across from me would look over and say "Ashley, what is the bright side?" The response he was looking for was "only 4 more days Rico". But it made me think. Even in that crisis moment of wanting to cry and/or run away, there was a bright side to be had. What was the bright side of your day today? Mine is actually that in those painful moments, I have friends that will stand with me. Sometimes it's all you need to know, to know that things are not hopeless.

Ash 41...boy...

I just realized. If he had pursued me while I loved him, I would have married him. Right then.

Am.....41...Dizzy without circles...

To be honest I am really struggling with what exactly to say today. Not that today was completely horrid but just the fact that I don't know how I feel about a lot of things today. Hmm...don't you love those conversations where you say so many times how you should leave but neither of you can stop the conversation? Me and Ash had a good talk tonight and it feels like it's been a long time since I've thought about a lot of things...just of things that are on my heart for a while that i haven't said out loud yet.
I am thankful that God does not let us stay in our insecurities and that He challenges them constantly. I am so insecure when it comes to most things in my life until it drives me so nuts that I have no other choice than to deal with it. Some people think I'm confident and it's werid to think about all the other confident people out there who maybe/probably feel the same.

Ash 40...farewell...

Well this has been a crazy couple of days. Not like this whole month hasn't been like riding a tricycle through a blizzard, but these last few days have been actually remarkable. I had an ah-ha moment on Wednesday and felt confirmation in my spirit about some stuff Jesus just spoke to me about my future which is rad. Then today happened. Over the past 16 months I have had a special room-mate who was absolutely wonderful, constantly supportive, and incomprehensibly faithful to me. I of course am speaking of my fish Fieshae. Already you are probably smirking and thinking of how foolish I am to even remark of him. I already understand that he is a fish, that they don't tend to have long lives, and that he doesn't have a soul, so if you are going to respond inconsiderately on any of those topics please just don't. Fieshae actually brought something unique to my life. He didn't have an extremely exciting life--although he had his moments like when he jumped out of his bowl onto the floor at the LifeForce office--and he never spoke great words of wisdom, or even had many friends. But he was extremely commited to me. After you've watched your fish for a couple of months you can tell when he's happy and when he's not, and I swear when I was gone for a couple of days and somebody else had watched him, he was not happy. But once I was back he would swim excitedly around his tank. Ok, maybe I'm starting to sound skitzophrenic (haha) but regardless this fish loved me. He faced, and survived, numerous near-death experiences, and wowed me by the way he would get sick, almost die, and then just come back to me. Even when I was a crappy friend, and didn't clean out his bowl for a while and such, he never dissed me or died on me. He was extremely commited to our relationship. I wish I could be more like him in my other relationships. I wish I could be more faithful in friendship, more willing in intimacy. I wish I could be more consistant in showing up when people need me. I know that Fieshae was just a fish and that fishes die, but he taught me so much. I hope that I can be a good, faithful fish in my little fish-bowl to my friend Jesus. All this earth really is, is a small pond that we swim around in meaninglessly for a while. Sometimes the water gets dirty, or we get sick, but I pray that I can be so faithful to joyfully keep looking for food from Jesus and to hear his voice. Good news is that Jesus is a freak load better at taking care of us than I was of Fieshae, so the least I can be is as faithful to my Jesus as Fieshae was to me.

Am....40...40 days is a long time

heya, Today I was at a meeting with some leadership from this chruch and it was really refreshing/scary. Refreshing b/c I saw friends who I hadn't had seen for a long time and they were at one point a huge part of my life. Scary because the meeting was about visionary things and it was all about dreaming...And that's something that I haven't felt free to do for a while. And I don't mean sleep dreaming but i mean daydreaming through microbiology class b/c you can't get it off your mind dreaming! Things that you can't control but be passionate about with no effort whatso ever! And there's no turning back after that! So I know this blog is very vague but I just wanted to give you a good idea!

Ash 39...thirty minutes...

I just had one of the best half-an-hour's I've had in quite a while. Unfortunately it was not spent doing homework, or studying, or getting my ducks in a row. It was spent journying out to the worst Walmart on the face of the planet and buying water and toothpaste. It may not seem that significant but oh it was. You see, I am basically a walking, breathing, contradiction. My mind lives somewhere off in the future hoping and dreaming of what can be, and my heart lives somewhere in the past, stubborn to move on and remembering how beautiful things were "then". It's a very confusing and stressful way to live most of the time. But tonite there was August-air (thats that slightly warm breeze that whispers on you--if you don't know what I'm talking about you should go to southern Sask in late August) and the sun was just starting it's descent. And I just lived in the moment. My exams amd my job and my unhinged future just disappeared and I just existed. I wasn't lonely or sad, just deliriously melancholy and enjoying the fullness of the moment. Almost made me wish I could live like that all the time. I wanted to write it down so that tomorrow when I get to work, and I'm ready to slip quietly into the bathroom and pull my hair out (:D) I can instead pull this blog and let my heart live in the past remembering how fabulous these 3o minutes were so my mind can dream of the next time.

Am....39...My eyes are no longer open...

I just got home and I'm oh so very tired and I can't write much...but I was driving down Cordon and had Geloties and they were so yummy...first ones of the summer! and then we were driving down portage and I took a picture of this guy in a van who looked like he was going to beat me up but I was in a car so that was alright! Lol and I dunno...rollarblading..having fun...stoping the studying! very happy indeed. I just love summer. love. sleep. must....ooohh! I watched this man eat fire and it was very fun as well...I have to go before i completely destroy this blog...as ungraceful as it already is

Ash 38...being thankful...

Alright thankfulness. What am I thankful for? I have a bunch of things that I'm not thankful for and I could write a pretty feisty blog about that stuff, but Amber has inspired me to thank-it-up for a moment. (I'll get back to freaking out tonite--haha) I am thankful for:

1) Only having 54.25 hrs left at this job.

2) The fantastic day-old chinese food I just had for lunch.

3) For having such friends, that the very thought of them bring a smile to my face in the midst of this. This might sound very cliche and geeky, but even today, with an email from my friend Cher, or a conversation with my mom about my awesome friend Luke, or just in thinking about the awesome phone conversation I had yesterday with Amber--I'm just so blessed. So despite the frustration that I have with my job and school and crap, I am find a retreat in thinking of my over-the-top spectacular friends.

So there we go. Now I feel justified in my continued freaking-out and complaining--haha, just kidding. Riiiiggght...

Am....38...A very lovely day..

Today was great! Of course I have to say that b/c this is the place where I talk about how great today was! So the first line should always be that today was great b/c that is what I'm focusing on. But even if I wasn't focusing on that I would say today was great...okay enough!
Well I got THE most awesome package in the mail..I waited all day for it and I called my dad repeatedly to make sure he picked up the mail. And it was from my favoritest friend in the world Ashley! And there were the most memorable things in there! sigh...only one more year Ash! wink wink.
Secondly...I got the most AMAZING email from Jake this morning that basically stopped me from focusing on possibly anything else for the rest of the day. I was hesitant of writing this because of all the previous talk of people in relationships...but it's truely a huge part of my day so I went for it anyways! :D
So between this two events I have finished today feeling so very loved and that's not something that we feel noticably all the time and i am so grateful. So thank you God, Ash and Jake...

Am....37...where do we go from here?

I've been on this blog site probably a few times the last couple of days...and obviously not blogging as much I should, but for some reason I've been finding it hard lately. hmmm...don't know what that's about but I think it is a really amazing thing to dedicate a blog site to only the things we "exult" Jesus about and that we can rejoice here! Because who ever feels like rejoicing right? I know I would rather come on here and talk about how hard I'm finding school or what is frustrating about my jobs...lol. Maybe that's why I haven't been on...to find something that God has done in your life and write about it means that you have to watch for it...anticipate it at times! But for some reason this world we live in loves to mourn. Why in the world would i ever want to be in mourning? But I am in times...maybe too many times. So I've decided tonight that i"m going to recommitt myself to writing the most amazing things I can about the God that orders my footsteps and steals my breath away!

So today I ran in a relay for the Manitoba Marathon and it was SOOO hot! haha...and I have never ran 10km before...therefore when I was done, I was pooped. But after I took this HUGE swing of water and drank almost the entire liter of it at once. And just that feeling of my body NEEDING water more than anything else at that moment and then having that thirst satisfied, just really stayed with me all day. I think I drank over 4 liters of water just to try and get that feeling again! I dunno...maybe I could guess on some "deeper" Christian meanings of how that is related to how we should thrist for God...or how if we boil down to it and simply say that our biological needs are the only thing we need on this earth...but all I know it sure was amazing to just feel something that I haven't felt before that made me think about other things that the issues of the day. Hmmmm...good night

Ash 37...I now pronounce you...

So. Today was Wednesday. Wednesday's are always days that I feel quite attacked emotionally. But I think I survived this one ok. I found out that one of my super good friends got engaged. That makes yet another one of my friends leaving the single world forever. For some reason all these recent engagements/weddings/fallings in love, just make me more resolved that marriage and all it entails is just not for me. I have gone from jaded to entertaining the idea to basically where I am today--disregard. It's hard though cause I love my friends and I'm excited for them, but I just don't see it ending out really all that positive in my own life. The thing that the all say to me is "Oh Ashley, I know you'll get married". I usually ask how they know that and I havn't really heard a good answer--at least not one that I can remember. I've decided though that if I don't get married, then I can't live in this duel-partnership environment. I'd have to go and live with some weird tribe or live in some liberal European country. I'm not afraid of being alone. I've thought long and hard about this and I'm mostly just afraid of the pity and condemnation that will come, even unintentionally, from my friends and family if I never get married. With that said, congratulations to all my friends who have recently "fallen" in love, or have gotten engaged, or are getting married this summer. Congratulations on finding someone with whom you think it'll make it easier to walk this world with rather than being by yourself. Jesus bless you overwhelmingly as you love Him through your relationships. Yeah. Rock on. (lol)

Ash 36...

There's not much to say. Today was crappy. But as with every day Jesus gives there are some good parts. Here's the top 3 list:

1) I did not get rained on today. Thank you for sunshine.

2) I played, and WON, an extremely competetive game of scrabble against my friend Erin. (Any game I play gets pretty competetive--lol)

3) Ok so really I only had two things on my list, but the only other thing that comes to mind is that this brings me one more day to my friend Amber being back in MB so we can talk. I seem like I spend alot of time waiting for stuff which is ok--i like having things to wait for. Hope is good.

Well there we have it. Please please please Jesus speak to me tomorrow. Please bless my day, bless my leadership over my cell group, and bless my work environment. Thankyou for giving sunshine and for all those undeserved blessings You've covered my life with. Thankyou.

Quote of the day: "When we are sure that we are on the right road there is no need to plan our journey too far ahead. No need to burden ourselves with doubts and fears as to the obstacles taht may bar our progress. We cannot take more than one step at a time."--Orison Sweet Marden

Song of the day: Anna Nalick-"Just Breathe"

Ash 35...waking up...

I was thinking today about transitions. The last major transition I had was when I graduated from high school and left Swift Current. Don't get me wrong--I have had many smaller transitions since then, but each of them sort of let into the other. When I left Swift Current it was one of the most freeing and transforming moments of my life. I finally felt free to figure out who I was and to be that person. I finally became me. That move brought me into the 4 craziest and awesome years of my life. In the past 4 years I've spent a total of 10 months living out of the country. I've been to 9 different countries. I've lived in 7 different homes. I've had 5 different jobs. I've spent parts of 3 of the years travelling/working with a non-profit Christian missions organization. I've almost completed a College Certificate Program through correspondance. I've fallen deeper and desperately in love with Jesus. In the past 4 years I have formed some of my greatest convictions and discarded some of the greatest lies in my life. I have struggled with depression and had my greatest moments of joy. It has been quite a journey. And I'm not even sure what about this coming season makes me realize that I'm entering a new transition even greater than the last. Part of me feels like the last 4 years was just an awakening. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and began to look around. Now I'm getting out of bed and getting ready. It's time to get dressed, wash my face, find my shoes--make sure that I have everything. It's time to figure out what gets left behind and what I bring with me. I don't know how long this next transition will be or even for sure when it necessarily starts. But I know I'm standing on the eve of something important. I feel okay though. Looking back at this last part of the journey of my life, I know that He has me. That He never lets me get out of His reach. That even in the midst of tears, frustration, lonliness--in the heat of the battle--Jesus' arms are long enough. I don't have to know the way or what lies ahead. I just need Him. Everything else is just sunsets, mountains, and rhinoceros's. Nothing matters except that whether I sleep or run, cry or laugh, run around the world or live on a reserve--I can't keep my eyes off of Him.

Quote of the day: "Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible.--Unknown

Song of the day: "I Miss You" (Acoustic Version)--Incubus

***NOTE***

Just for anybody new to this blog, there are actually 2 people that post to it--myself, Ashley (Ash...) and Amber (Am...). We really just started off wanting to have sort of a place to be accountable to praising Jesus for all the good that He does in our lives each day. Slowly it has become alot more than just that--it's become just a place to just write out our lives and leave "alters" of what we're going through. A couple of months ago, Jesus spoke to me about the concept of leaving sort of "alters of rememberance" in our lives so that we can remember how far we've come and clear our vision for what is coming next. This is a place that both of us sort of do that. Please feel free to leave comments and your thoughts--I'd love to hear what's going on in your life.

Am-33....from the depths of Stonewall

Have I really done this 33 times? maybe...maybe not! Today was so incredibly not what it potientually could've been. Maybe a lot of things are like that. Like so many times we have feelings and strong feelings about things and just never know what to do with them so we don't do anything. And maybe a day can be like that where we can do anything...we honestly have the choice to do anything...and we never know what to do with that so we end up doing only the things we are supposed to do. Today could've been many a things...and perhaps they were...but perhaps not. I think this is probalby one of the most confusing blogs I've ever blogged. It's one thing to be free to feel, but it's certianly another thing to let yourself be swept away by these feelings.

Ash 34...of the day...

Quote of the day:

"Whatever happens next I hope that it is lead by a vision that is so big and promising that it brings us to our kneeds in humility but guides us to a place that we as a people

have never dreamed of; a place where we know real peace and in the arms

of the God who created us in the first place."--Amber Dyck

And the song of the day:

Storm (Acoustic Version)--Lifehouse

how long have I been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I'd see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and everything will be alright

I know you didn't

bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water

you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

everything's alright

Am...33...I'm the only one awake on msn right now

And what a feat that is! I just finished my paper and I REALLY don't feel like blogging b/c of the sole fact that it is 5am and probably anythign I say right now will make me sound like an idiot (in which I just might be...) But I was incredibly encouraged by quite a number of things this evening...one of which was Ash's blog in just the fact that if we could each look into the future...failure awaits each us all. But that's almost relieving in a sense that it's completely expected! So it's completely expected that I wouldn't get my scholorship application in on time!
Hmmm...another part of tonight that rocked was the fact that it was rebrought to my attention that I really like this one boy inparticular from Swift Current and that he kinda likes me too and that I'm going to see him in only a few days :) And that just really is quite the happy thought. okay I'm not even reading this over before "publishing" it. ahahah

Ash 33...I QUIT...

Today was crappy (except for a couple of conversations I had). But I have decided that I no longer care. If my teacher wants to fail me, then fine. If my boss wants to fire me, then fine. If my cell group never wants to speak to me again, fine. Quite frankly, they can do whatever they want.

No longer caring does not mean that I will not do my homework (regardless of how late it is), work my best at my job, or love my cell group girls like crazy. I will still do those things. But I will do them as though to the Lord. Quite frankly, neither my teacher, my boss, or even people at my church will determine the rest of my life. Some of them probably think they'd like to. But, ta-diddly-a, Jesus is the ONE AND ONLY who has any say. You don't want to give a certificate or a job or be my friend, then FINE!!!

One of the BEST THINGS too is that Jesus already knows that I work freaking hours at work, He knows that I do way too much correspondance school and He knows all my peculiar personality and behavioral traits. So it doesn't REALLY matter if I fail or get fired or quit leading cell group, because He'll still love me. And He holds all the trump cards.

One final note...this is mostly just so I can remember this thought. Maybe it was never for me not to struggle with stuff. Maybe that's all part of His plan. Maybe it's not the end of the world for me to work crazy hours, fail school assignments, or have my life seemingly overflow with change and stress. Maybe I'm actually supposed to learn to just tell stress to GET OUT OF MY LIFE and let me live with my life regardless of how much damage the earthquake leaves. Let it come. Bring it all. Freaking throw whatever. Because I quit. Jesus is enough and He's all I need.

Quote of the day: "Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing." G.M. Trevelyan.

Amen to that. Amen.

Ash 32...

Have you ever just wanted to have a totally different life? I really do today. I wish I were stronger and smarter. I wish I was less of a procrastinator and more dedicated. I want to speak the Psalms over me and know that God created me as He did. To know that He knows every little and big thing about me and would still share chinese food with me anyways. But I feel so weak and so overwhelmed today. I guess because I feel so dissapointed with myself today that I just assume that Jesus is also dissapointed. But I don't suppose He is. Why do I continue to beat myself up over stuff that won't matter in a gazillion years? I guess cause by doing well at something I can soothe the ache in me that says I'll never be good enough. That as though by sticking with something and seeing it through that I might be achieving something worthwhile. That's absolute bollox though isn't it? The irony is though that even in my last minute striving at greatness, I always carry around in the back of my mind that I won't actually be able to finish whatever I've sought out to do--whether it be school or a relationship. Funnyness. Well back to the striving...hopefully I can stop soon though. Meh.

Am...32...A little diddy....

This song gives a complete explaination of my day. And God DID let me know His touch and just how much love He has stocked up for me. It's hard for us to realize that this is truely the only thing we need as very needy human beings. :) But that God created us to need Him and when we get to that place where we search for that in other people and situations...that's where we get screwed over. So humbling....

Let That Be Enough Lyrics

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that
You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday 22 years ago
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Ash 31...phone...

I realize that the motive of this blog is that we be thankful and exalt Jesus for something in our day. Well this is actually my blog for yesterday cause I went to sleep instead of going back on my computer. Yesterday was blah. But here's what I'm thankful for:

1) For my phone finally working so I could talk to Amber.
2) For a coworker who made me almost pee my pants laughing while we were already 2 hrs into overtime.
3) That at least when I had to walk home with such a heavy heart, it was raining so my tears were lost in the raindrops.

I don't know how much better this day will be. Please Jesus. My head hurts. If you are my friend and you read this today and you pray, please pray that I wouldn't feel so sick today. Shmool.

Am....31...PHONE

The phone made my day today...esspecially after talking to Ash I realized how life would be different and horrid probably without the usage of my phone (good thing Telus doens't exist in Manitoba) and I thank Jesus for letting me using this phone He has created! Ash! love you millions!
I know this is really short and probalby unimportant for most of you reading this, but it's what is true!