Ash...a tribute to Eliza...

So here I sit. I should be studying but I just can't motivate myself to do so. I only have one more exam, and I just want it to be over. It's not like I have anything else to do. Why aren't I studying? I've decided that I am randomely going to dedicate blogs to special friends in my life. So anyways today's blog is dedicated to Eliza-Jane. Eliza was a girl on my Street Invader team this year and pretty much one of the funniest people I've ever met. From the top of her mohawk hair to the bottom of her mix-matched socks, there is Jesus all over her. She has pretty much been through hell and back in alot of ways, and yet she continues to come back to Jesus. She definitely was the inspiration of our team in the easy way she related to people, her willingness to help out, and her attitude of worship. Something in each of us was released when we were around her. I think it might be because in our gap-wearing, emo-listening, hair-straightening, rule-obeying lifestyles, we get to see the another face of Jesus in her. We get to see Jesus the artist in her. We get to see Jesus the dancer in her. I was reminded by her life, that crap happens and that tomorrow morning crap will again come and knock on our doors, but we can go to the little peep-hole, see it, and say "MAH--I don't think so creep", and then go back to our bowl of cheerios. She really became endeared to my heart because I see something so unique in her and I see how jeleous God is for her. Jesus, tonight I pray for Eliza that you would show her again how absolutely crazily passionately overwhelmed you are for her. Jesus would you give her some awesome Christian friends, and help her to stand up to the crap that comes knocking. Continue to show her who she really is--not a smoker, or a drinker, or even a "christian", but would you wrap her real identity up in You as a daughter of the King, the redeemed, and the beloved of the creator of everything. Thanks Jesus for the privilege it is to know another one of your crazy, beautiful children. Amen.

Ash...#2 of the day...wow...

I just got back from "coffee" with a fantastic friend, and I am in AWE of how good God is to take care of me and give me exactly what I need. It was just such an uplifting and encouraging conversation. I had felt kind of discouraged because of some of the frustrating relationships I have had lately but God totally answered my prayer with giving me a great couple of hours. I also prayed a while ago for a good Christian friend to come into my life, and God totally is delivering that in the form of another girl who works at the office. God's plans are so perfect and they totally work out for best. Here's the story I just want to share--my first year of LifeForce out of nowhere I felt God tell me that I was going to do 4 years of LifeForce. I (about a month into my first year) scoffed and said, "chi, chi-chacho??". (That means "what, what was that" in an African language) But I realized that, surprise, I am currently entering my fourth year, even after quitting a year-and-a-half ago, with no intention of returning. When God says something, it's going to happen. We can confidently hold true to the promises of God even if we are usure at how we are going to accomplish it. When I was in high school I felt God tell me that I would be in Germany within 5 years...I truly didn't think it would happen. Then on my way to Africa, BAM, I end up with a stop-over in Frankfurt Germany. Another seemingly coincidence that was actually the fulfillment of God's word to me. It doesn't matter what He's said to you--if He says it, He'll make it happen. Now, I'm about to tell the real story for which I am blogging. I can't believe I'm actually going to put this on the internet but here goes. So for the last year God has really moved in my heart to love Aboriginal people. I went to Winnipeg in the spring to visit Amber and I just felt so sure that I was to move there. Then I came back to Calgary and got integrated with some native girls here and really began to feel like I should move to Strathmore upon my return to Canada next June. Then last night happened. I was at a church service and me and Jesus were just really spending some awesomness time together. Then I heard Him tell me. (I can put this on a blog because almost no one reads this blog--haha) He told me where I'm to move to when I get back from Tobago and He told me how long I'm going to be there. On second thought I'm actually not going to put it on this blog. I'll wait. But God is so good. And He always answers the desires of our hearts. He is faithfulness and awesomness. Ok I gotta go. Out.

Ash...top 5...

So I've been thinking alot about relationships lately...(insert my own very cynical laughter...ha). I blame it on the fact that Jesus has been speaking to me alot of my and His relationship so out of that I am thinking about alot of the relationships I have. Lately, it's been specifically the "boy-girl" relationship. Now let me make one thing crystal clear--I do not have a "relationship" at all. But over the last, oh say, 21 years of my life (not quite that long) I've had a weird mindset when it comes to boys. I used to not want to get married at all. Then Jesus did alot of healing in my life to where I actually moved to the point of desiring marriage. Now I'm working on getting to a healthy middle place. OH but you ask, isn't it good to desire marriage?--well friend I would say that depends on what marriage means to you. Too many people fall in love and get married because that's just what you are taught to do in life. The natural procession is high school, either post-sec or job, then marriage & family. It's hard not falling into the trap of lie that says you have to get married. Paul says himself that it's better if you don't. Anyways I'm getting off topic. What I really wanted to say was that Jesus has been teaching me so much about being single lately. I used to call boys the "dream-stealers"...mwahaha. And I was genuinely afraid of that. In the spirit of that I was thinking today about all the dreams I have in my heart that I would totally do if I stayed single and God released me into them:

1) I would work in the slums in Caracus, Venezuela.
2) I would teach english in the Philippines.
3) I would back-pack across Eastern Europe.
4) I would move to Winnipeg and work with Aboriginal people in the inner city.
5) I would live in Germany for a year and write.

Hmmm...makes me think. I havn't spent much time really dreaming for quite some time and it feels so good to do it again. I find so much of my life energy is spent trying to figure out today and tomorrow that I forget about all the excitement and hope my life holds inside of itself. What would you do if you could do anything? What's your top 5 list? If there were no expectations on you from other people or from yourself what you dream about doing? Hmmm...I love it.

I know exactly what I want to write about tonight!! Amber

Seriously! I've been pondering something for a while and I think I've got a new inside edge on it thanks to my friend Mandy!!
Okee...Girls...how can we be strong and not harsh; vunderable but not emotionally needy? How in the world are we supposed to be single and learn to take care of ourselves and know God's will and lead ourselves...AND THEN after being trained to be "self- sufficient" just learn how to let someone else take care of you (or help take care of you). To submit to the leadership of someone else and join lives forever and ever? Why in the world do we even bother learning how to do it in the first place? To totally content with just yourself and the big JC? Why not just go from Dad's girl to wife?
BECAUSE MAYBE... it makes what we've learned during our single years more valid when helping in making decisions. That's the wisdom that we learn and bring into the relationship.

I think the more I write these thoughts out loud the more stupid I feel (just because i continue to know nothing). Or maybe that my mind thinks that they are something big that makes me want to announce them to everyone!heehee
goodbye

What I learned from Lord of the Rings...Amber

Heya.. Today was a complete waste of a day! And I really mean it! My lil sis and I watched all of the Lord of the Rings today and my head is pounding me! But believe it or not God did speak through Lord of the Rings despite my determination to do nothing today.

So relationships eh? No not the romatic ones... well maybe... but more specifically the different friendships in our lives. Weird. There are so many werid ones. Life for example I talked to a friend from the states today; I met him on a Rebecca St James chatline when i was in grade 9 (honestly...the ONLY time I've ever been on a chat site..what a nerd) which is almost 8 years ago! But I realized today that I will never meet him on this earth and werid it is that you could be friends with someone for so long and never hear their voice or ever see them! Then there's those deep relationships that you usually take for granted; you know those people who are always speaking truth into your life and could see yourself growing into old mission minded spinksters with (cough*Ash*cough...haha jk). Then there's those relationships where they are completely random and where you never know when they'll strike next! mwuahah! where you run into the person whenever you're supposed to and then they mysteriously disspear for another 3 years. But regardless... I think that i don't really have anything intelligent to say about that...but this is just what I noticed! goodnight amen!

Amber...number 89567092876.....

Ah la la...
It's been a werid day. I'm sitting here already knowing that my words will fail to describe anything of what is going on but that's alright! I'm in this transition time ( haha ya for transition right Ash?) and I'm just WAITING for what to do next. But God isn't sitting here asking me "When are you going to do something?" or "What are you going to do now". Why does it seem scarier to do nothing; to have nothing to determine your worth except for the fact that God created you and loves you. period. He doesn't love me because I went to Africa. He doesn't love me because I was a youth pastor or going into nursing. There are so many things that I define myself by. So many reasons why I am an acceptable person or Christian. But when I stop and do nothing; that He loves me just as much as when I do all that stuff...just blows me away. He says "When are you going to be with ME?". Rereading what I wrote it seems like such an easy concept that I should've gotten a long time ago; but I didn't!

Ash 47...what I need...

"Too much of a good thing is wonderful"--May West.

I have this coaster in my room that has that quote by May West on it, and many times in the past couple of years I have looked at it and not really understood. Sure I get the "everyone loves good things" mentality, but I have questioned it's truth. However over the past couple of weeks, that idea has come to mean a great deal more. Jesus has been challenging my "desert" concept--that everyone walks through dark and dreary and wretched seasons. I do believe that difficult, sad, and really hard times enter each of our lives. Situations outside of our control, or as a result of our own stupidity, enter into our lives and attack our souls. The thing I've realized is that those times are in no way absent of the presence of the Almighty God. The coolest thing is that in that most awful moment when I am at my absolute worst, Jesus desperately longs to be with me. I've actually become quite grateful for the really hard times in my life, because those are the moments I become most aware of my desperate need for Jesus in my life. I wish I could be more consumed with Him in and out of season, but it seems like something about dark times awakes our deepest need. When I was in Africa, I spent one whole month in Zambia and it was one of the hardest times in my life. Physically I had malaria twice, I got ringworm, I had to eat the worst food ever, and my team got attacked by killer-death-fire ants. Spiritually I was also struggling. One morning I woke up and really didn't think I was a Christian anymore--which is a serious weird thought for someone who IS committed to the will of Christ in her life, and who was working as a missionary of sharing the gospel of Jesus. But I had entered a place of aloneness. I allowed the circumstances around me to dictate who I was in Christ. I wasn't really spending time with Jesus, I wasn't worshipping Him, and I was paying more attention to what I "felt" than to what I "knew". Then one day something remarkable happened. I was laying in bed and a feeling I had never known and cannot just create, rose up in me. It was an ache and the longer I layed there the deeper and more consuming it grew. It was this aching desperation for something I didn't even know. And as it reached the point of actual overwhelmingness the only thing that came to me was, "Oh Jesus, I need you even more than this." These days that really has become the theme of my life and I pray that it would grow even more deeper and desperate. "Jesus I need you". I just finished leading a Street Invader team and I can't even recall the number of times I cried out of need for Jesus or I could not go on. Like Moses I say, "Lord, if you do not come with me I will not move one step from this place." (paraphrased Ash) It's unfortunate that I have to come to those low moments to realize my desperate need for Him. This morning in my devotions I was thinking on how I want to DWELL in the presence of God--how I want to be consumed with Him in every area of my life. I'm finding that the more of Jesus I have in my life, the more I see who I really am. At 21 years old, it's strange to think that I'm finally becoming me. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, too much of a good thing. The more time I spend in the presence of God, the more time I want to spend there. The dark is still as dark and the rain still falls just as hard--but the Ashley is different. The Ashley hums in the darkness and dances in the rain. That's the kind of life I want to live. The kind of life I can live in Jesus. It's the kind of life I need and am committed to. Jesus I need you right now or I cannot and will not move from this place. How wonderful it is that He is a Jesus that passionately desires to be with me forever. Ok I'm done. Just had to get that out.

~Ash

The Sun came and conquered...AMB

HEYOOOO.........

It is the most amazing Wednesday morning and the sun is shinning in my face!! MOOOORE Sun!!! I just got home from the Mantario trail last night at the decent hour of 12:30am and SO stoked about seeing my sister so I didn't sleep for another couple of hours and now I'm off to work! high ho! So this four day hike turned out to be absolutely splendid and wonderful (and somewhat painful...) and the sights and smells so catastrophic that it seemed hard to grasp that I was actually there and seeing it. Unfortunately more times than not I was focused on getting up the next ridge or not tripping on something other than my feet; and didn't spend enough time just sitting and soaking in the beauty!I would love to sit here and say I had this huge revelation or that God spoke direct words of life into my weary little soul...but no. It was really quiet. I felt so much peace about what was happening to my life and I was out in the middle of nowhere with some just incredible people who are passionately in the hunt after God's heart; that all it was was peace.
And now I'm at home and just SO PUMPED!! My little sister just came home from Street Invaders and is honestly crazy! So I'm going to dance dance dance like no man's busness and worship God until they take my body away from me!and after that i'm going to dance in heaven forever! JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!

Ash 46...summer season has been restored..

Wow, ok. Where do I even begin. I haven't blogged in so long for so many reasons. These last 2 months have been so busy. After I quit my job I went to counsel at Kedleston camp. I had some of the greatest girls in the world in my cabin. For those of you who don't know I am part native but have always really struggled with that because of where my "nativeness" came from. But at Kedleston I had these 3 aboriginal girls from Strathmore in my cabin and something was moved in my heart. I had been progressing the last half a year towards accepting certain things in my life and towards walking further and deeper in the call of God in my life, and these native girls, and their hunger and desire for God spoke too much into my life for me to even begin to blog about it. After that I basically spent time with my grandparents, my parents, and some of my friends from Regina and Moose Jaw. It was such an important month in my life. It seems like over the past year and a half I lost something of myself. I truly believe that it was important for me to work at ATB and that that was where God intended me to be for that season but after being in such a negative, money-hungry, and non-loving community I was losing who I truly was in Christ. So July was basically a purging time in my life for me and Jesus started reviving my true Jesus passions and the callings on my life. For example, I had lost how much I actually really love people. I just love people. I want to disciple young people and encourage them to follow Jesus. Back before I quit my LifeForce job and went to work for ATB I would go and hang out with homeless people on the streets, and strike up conversations with bus people all the time. I'm not even sure why the last year affected me the way it did, but when you are constantly surrounded by people who are seperate from Jesus and an environment that is completely seperate from Jesus, it is hard to remain in intimacy with Him. This was my first time out in the "secular" workplace and it was a good teaching tool, but if anything I am more desperate for oneness with my Jesus. Ok, at the end of July I headed to Street Invaders. Oh if only I had known what I was getting myself into. These last three weeks have truly been life-changing. The week of bootcamp was so hard and busy and I finally started fighting again against certain issues in my life that were not of Jesus. I also officially stepped into leadership. Oh leadership. Being a leader is not a prize or some reward. So many people can't wait to be leaders. I realize now, after three weeks, that I had no idea what I was getting into. I praise Jesus that He is so big and present in my life or I would not have made it. It is so weird having to be responsible for so many people and things. I loved my team though...I actually totally fell in love with the kids on my team. They were kids and as such there were quite moments of stress in my life, but leading them was a privilege. I am a different leader than most of the leaders I've had. I am quite honest about my vulnerabilities and dependancy on God--and though some have seen that as a weakness in me, it was actually used by God to touch my kids. I made so many mistakes, and yet the love that these young people lavished on me was overwhelming. It's so cool to make huge mistakes and yet still have the people you lead fall more in love with Jesus. That's the biggest key thing I learned these past 2 months and is something that I'm taking with me as I go onto my next leadership position with LifeForce--God is so big and is absolutely in control so I have no need to worry. Everytime I would make a mistake or if something in my opinion went completely wrong, Jesus would use it and bless it to impact the kids I led. He also was huge in my life. Everytime I went to Him and cried out, He met me and spoke and loved on me. He is so strong in my weakness. So here I sit now. Street Invaders ended this morning and now I have 4 weeks till LifeForce staff training starts. I am house-sitting/dog-sitting here in Calgary for 2 weeks and then moving in with some friends for 2 weeks. Then LifeForce starts. If you don't know, I am co-leading a team of young adults to Trinidad and Tobago from October till May. There are moments when I'm not sure what I'm getting myself into, but God keeps reassuring me that I am completely where I'm meant to be. I spent alot of time with my co-leader Nathan Densley these past couple of weeks and God has really blessed our friendship and made us both excited for what God has for the team this year. Ah! I get excited just thinking about it. Speaking of that, if any of you are interested or know someone who might be interested on coming on our team please let me know. We still have a couple of spots for both girls and boys but it's filling up pretty quick now. So yeah, that's where I've been for the past couple of months. There is so much more to say but I'd rather know what's going on with you. Also, over the last couple of months this blog turned, from me, as more of information about life rather than it's intended use. To exult Jesus and to praise Him for what He's done in my life today. So I'm bringing it back to that. Ok well, now I'm tired of typing. Good times had in the summer...finally.

Am...Am I regressing?!?

Okeee...it's Sat night and you won't believe what i did tonight!! Crazy I was babysitting! Firstly...I have not had a babysitting job for at least 6 years...Secondly they were random people from down the street who I have never talked to before. Lol they called looking for Jess and somehow the words "if you are desparate for a babysitter I'll do it" came out of my mouth! AH! But it was good I think...it was a incredibly sad b/c their father had just left them. They love him so much and I couldn't stop thinking about that. Just how irresponsible people are with other people's feelings and my heart just broke for these kids...and the mom. I mean me and my boyfriend just broke up and that's nothing compared to what heartbreak these kids are going though; just realizing how much pain is in the world and even just how much pain God has saved me from has brought me into a whole new light. Only I just feel so helpless to do anything... what words can be said? What actions be taken? Only that God could possibly take them in His arms somehow and make things all better, or at least show them a real love.

Am...Day 3 of home

Just to clarify...the last 2 messages have been from Amber for those of you who know Ash...or any for anyone else who is confused!
Today was amazingly crazy and odd and I wish I could explain everything! But I have never had such a hope for the future! Like I talked and met up with the weridest and most random people in the world today! And the fact is that God knows exactly what I need and He knows what makes my day and it's just small things He does and shows me that make my eyes remove themselves out of my sockets! First I hung out with Kat Pops! coolest Kat (cat...ahhaah) in the world then I had lunch with Mare at Perkins...worked out at the Y and ran into Gavin...talked to lady in the middle of the intersection...caught up with Joci-lion's mom...Hung out at the forks with Sharon watched Adam drum...Coffee at Tims with Crystal...and I just sit here amazed because each thing has an encouraging story and amen. Maybe I'm just on crack and it's too late but AMEN ANYWAYS!

Tooo much work

End of a 12 hour shift right now but today was amazing! Honest...I didn't think it would be! But first,I had the most encouraging people invade my morning! A friend of my mom (and mine) woke me up because she was in my was in my garage this morning so we had tea and then I got a call from old friends from Alberta and out east! Nothing is better than surprises from old friends!
Then of course was work but I had the most amazing conversations tonight! God is so freaking great and everything I need!! I have been so broken the last few days going from place to place trying just to find a place where I could be with Jesus...and tonight it was at work! And the best part was that it wasn't about me...100% about the gospel all the way!! To be wowed by God is the greatest privilege that I will always cherish and cling to! It gives me peace to sleep knowing that there's a hope for tommorrow!

Home at last....

It's been a long, painful and amazing journy but I'm home. Here's the conclusion:

Roaring thunder
Shake me from within
My hearts stopped pressing
for minor heart pounding.
My mind forgets,
but my toes remember,
what soil it belongs and answers to.
Call me again.
Wild beauty taunts me.
Unseen lands alure me.
There's a place where I've forgotten.
There's a hunger that's been ignored.
There's a cry that I've kept in my throat.
There's a dream that has been passed by.
Let desparate measures be taken.
Let my body go.