Ash--off to the wedding

Well I'm off to Meryl's wedding...I can't believe she's going to be married. I'm a bridesmaid and get to wear this beautiful dress...yah. It'll be nice to get away for the weekend I think...mah, I'll keep you posted.

Ode to my toe.....Amber

My brain is so dead that I've been staring at this blank screen for at least 3 minutes; and now I figure that I better write something rather than nothing before I go to sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Today started off really stressful on the ward and I just couldn't get my act together and the more I tried the more I just screwed things up (which apparently is frowned upon in most professions; including nursing). So I sat there and just cried out for the grace of God and not so surprising...the rest of the day seemed better. I've also started to begin my day by giving myself a pep talk after my devotions; just reminding myself that this is where God has put me and that there's no other reason why I'm there but because of Him! Haha maybe that makes me feel less responsible for my actions! mwauahah! Just kidding of course. But I do find that I'm loving nursing more and more.

One last thing...honestly. "Everything" by Lifehouse has been the lyrics to my life for like 2 years now and I usually listen to it daily. Nothing more could explain my relationship with God than the lyrics to this song (and clearly this song is directed to God):

~Everything~Lifehouse

find me here, speak to me, i want to feel you. I need to hear you. You are the light, that is leading me, to the place where, i find peace, again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking. You are the hope that keeps me trusting. You are the life, to my soul. You are the purpose. You're everything

And how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this??

You calm the storms. You give me rest. You hold me in your hands. You won't let me fall. You still my heart and you take my breath away. Would you take me in? Would you take me deeper now?

'cause you're all i want. You are all i need. You are everything.....everything. You're all i want. You are all i needyou are everything.....everything

Ash...dun dun da-dun...

So today is Wednesday apparantly. Where is my life going?? Today was supposed to be my day off and yet for some horrible reason I've actually been out of my house since 7 am this morning...mah! The only good part is that I've gotten alot accomplished today at work. I had my doctor appointment this morning and it wasn't super good. I'll skip the disgusting details but now I'm on two different kinds of super-antibiodics that'll kill practically everything in me--lol. I also got some news that wasn't really encouraging concerning my long-term health. My friend Lisa said that it's a good thing that I'm finding this stuff out so I can deal with it accordingly. Me and Jesus had a good little chat whilst I was waiting scantily-clothed in the doctor's office and over and over all I kept hearing was "Do not be afraid or discouraged, because I, the Lord your God, am with you." So I'm just trusting the Lord in that. I'm trusting Him for my full recovery. I am willing to receive a lesson in all this and to walk in faith in Him. So yep...docta docta...

Ash...yah for Jesus...

Ok, I am so happy right now. I have been so burdened with some things the last couple of weeks but yesterday afternoon I just decided that the crapola show was over and that I was finally going to re-focus my priorities. I just started thinking about what areas I want to develop these next 8 months and what areas the Lord would have for me to step our in. It was exciting just to remember what the Lord has put in me and what the possibilities these next 8 months hold. The second part was actually taking control of some situations that I have just felt so overwhelmed and powerless in. That was my project for today and I've already taken action in two areas of stress in my life. Look at me go! Last year me and Amber were both in crazy busy lifestyles and just stressed and struggling to find joy, so we took action and re-organized our lives. We got rid of some situations and put on new attitudes towards our lives. But now we find ourselves in places where we are still struggling to feel settled and joyful in. I've resorted that maybe everyday and season has the potential for either joy or destruction, peace or stress. I'm actively choosing joy and peace today. The Lord is good to answer prayers and take care of our lives if we just live surrendered to Him. I probably sound all over the place and maybe vague, but I just see Jesus all over the stressful places in my life today and He isn't worried about any of it. Yah!

For the love of dairy....Amber

Wow I really didn't feel like blogging today (just because I'm too tired to type) but seeing as Ash has now done TWO in row...I'm feeling kinda pressured. Haha. So I'm at school and I'm going to try and explain my weekend.
At Zion we had a 24 hour worship weekend and it was great! I brought 4 highschool students from Stonewall with me (including Jess) and first of all it was super encouraging to see that they even wanted to come with me and just the hunger to be anywhere where Jesus is...AH! The evening started and it turned out that I missed my friend Murray's hour which I said I was going to be at and then I think for the first 6 hours of worship I spent writing in my prayer journal just telling God about all the things that I felt He has stripped away these past three weeks... Things that have really defined my life in the past.
Then it was like God was saying "Okay Amber...are you done complaining now? Because I am still God and you still need to get off your butt and give me all of you". And the rest of the 12 hours was amazing! It wasn't as though I felt God was angry at me or expected to perform for Him; but it was AGAIN the things we allow to steal our joy and AGAIN...
it sure isn't about me.
So I have two layers of blisters on the bottoms of my feet( although they don't hurt a bit) just because we danced for hours and hours and I still hold the theory that God speaks through sweat...haha. But it was incredible! So many stories! Long story short: There was a speaker who talked about the symbolism of opening this bottle of water (in terms of revival) and we squeezed it open and water came gushing out (of course) so then Pastor Randy started to annoint people with this 500ml water bottle and almost a hundred people came up and water was pouring EVERYWHERE and at the end of the service the bottle was still full! We shouted louder than I could blow my chauffer!
God never stops making my jaw drop. Homework has even been easier since that Sat night. And I had the most encouraging run/talk with my friend Jay today...AMEN!

Ash...I am still alive...

It's been awhile since I've blogged but things have just been a bit crazy and my computer at work has been having some issues allowing me to make new posts (I blame it on the fact it's a stupid Mac). Anyway, I actually can echo Amber in sense that my joy has felt like it's been stolen the last couple of weeks. It seems like Street Invaders my life has been a rollercoaster. I've been spending alot of time with people and not that that's all uncommon, but the last year of my life was a really different season and I'm still adjusting. This week I officially started working for LifeForce and let's just say it sure feels like more than a week. I think the hard thing is that I find myself all of a sudden in a brand new community and although most of the people are old friends and people I know, it's hard for me to find someone to really connect with and be able to share my heart with. Part of its my fault at being so hesitant to be intimate so as not to get myself stepped on, but on the other side of things I just wish that someone would truly honestly ask me how I am and actually want to know. I've really been missing my bestest friends lately. You know those friends that can just sit with you and all of a sudden you don't even need to talk, you are content and at peace just to sit and be with someone who loves you. That'll be one of the best things about being married. Having that grey-sweatpants-comfortability. Hmmmm...so even though I am right emotionally tired tonight and feeling sick I refuse to let my joy be stolen, because joy is all around--I just need to make the choice to see it through my tears.

Spoiled little fly....Amber

Okeee...I don't quite understand but lately I've just been really uptight and almost angry at times. And that's so unusual for me and I keep blaming it on school (which is a huge reason because I get so restless and want to do anything but school...) but it should never get to a point where it steals away joy. One of my favorite things on this planet is enjoying a fire right next to any kind of body of water at night time. So this afternoon I laid in the tall grass next to a fire which in turn was next to a ditch full of water...haha close enough right?! And where I HAD found so much comfort and peace in the ministry and activity God had placed me...it's like it's now transforming into this beautiful place of rest. It's starting to be the times when it's just me and God that I feel myself being defined by Him. This is so different than being lost in the opinion of people and fullfillment of actions.
So I laid there and watched this fly drink the last of my Pepsi and wondered if that was the fly's last day to live and if I had made it's life by letting it drink my pepsi instead of killing it. Yup...Me, the fly and God.

Is life really that much more beautiful on the funny farm??? Amba

Today can't even be fully described in the entirety of this blog and I am way to tired to write smoothly or grammatically correct. It was truely a piece of art (today), full of strangeness and wonder. Nothing went the way it should've and everything that should've went did. haha. Had one of my closest friends in the world over for supper tonight...hadn't seen her in a while. And got talking about things in our lives that bother us as we always seem to do. Well we started praying and it had been soooo long since I've been in the presence (of the Lord) like that!! It was like God was sitting on the edge just waiting...then BAM! It was so good! With me...I rarely cry. But whenever I am overwhelmed by God I usually cry for some reason; but it feels really nice; like something in me is finally released. I couldn't remember the last time I cried....

One last thing. I really like analogies and I had a lot of wisdomed shared with me through analogies so that really blessed my socks on. I'm really glad Jesus decided to talk in Parables even though direction instruction in this "instant world" would have been nice at times...

Sleep deprivation=killer nurse student. good night

What is at the end of these things? Amber

Today was such a hard day...and it probably would've sucked to the core if it didn't include these three things; these are things that God put in my day to let me know that He planned even the hard days:

A) My patient tommorrow is only a few weeks old and I already just adore her! And she really likes to cuddle and I just see so much of God in her; God has already used her in my life!

B) I drove home into a sunset that was hand crafted (and the sun wasn't even in my eyes)

C) I saw this boy ( lovelying called Swear Bear) from LBE today...randomly.

Thank you for being my rainbow, Lord.

So amazing...makes me wonder why....Amber

such a good song.
Last night I stayed at a friend's house. It was really random and interesting because I hadn't really talked to her for about a year but I found myself eating bananas on her couch until about 1am...And as I was sitting there listening ...watching her with her guitar...I just got to appreciate who she is. Not an appriciation like "thanks for raking my lawn" appreciation, but it's like this incredible surprise. I believe that once you are with anyone and it's a safe place/time you can discover things that are so mysterious that you wonder how this person can live everyday without people knowing this about it. "IT" being the look on her face as she worships in her room; "IT" being the giddiness in his voice as you can't stop him from speaking his passions out loud. "IT" being the tears that come from reading words that have been put together that express an emotion that she can't explain. IT goes on. I hope that I always let people surprise me...

Here is something:

WHAT IS YOUR ONLY COMFORT IN LIFE AND DEATH?:
That I am not my own
but belong-
body and soul,
in life and in death-
to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.

He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood
and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.
He also watches over me in such a way
that not a hair can fall from my head
without the will of my Father in heaven:
in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.

Because I belong to him,
Christ, by his Holy Spirit,
assures me of eternal life
and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready
from now on to live for him.

Amen

The Time of the Uprooted.....Amber

I was reading this morning in the bathtub reading and this quote really hit me:

"I find some madmen entertaining, but others do indeed frighten me, as if they know that a man is just the restless and mysterious shadow of a dream, and that dream may be God's. I have to confess that I enjoy their thoughts as if they were wild horses, to hear them laugh and make others laugh, to intoxicate myself without wine and to dream with my eyes open..."
-Gamaliel (from "The time of the uprooted")

Run on THIS, track!...Amber

Heather and I went for a run today and usually I love running and could run for days. But we started stretching and ended up just sitting there and laughing...then tried to run a mile but didn't happen. I was having such a "guilt filled" day for some reason I was just so happy to sit there and make up new sports and have that be the funniest thing in the world; even if it's just for a few minutes! haha...

Ash

Yah for leaving! Yah for leaving what we know, what we hold dear, what gives us the feeling of safety! Yesterday I spectated my mom and a friend of hers having a conversation right in front of me about how dangerous and crazy it is to leave the country these days. On the surface I tried to ignore the conversation, but in my inside a little part of me was ha-ha'ing. I've been thinking about relationships again lately (I think it's just the age at which we find ourselves that brings up these thoughts) and I realized again today how much more excited I am right now for what God has in store for me than to just find a husband, get married, and live that life. I was telling my mom stories from Africa today and how I hope that someday me and Amber can go live in a hut in the middle of the jungle. She gets nervous about that stuff and brings up things like the heat, or the getting eaten by killer-death-fire-ants, or the food, but in the very core of me I'd take on all those things again. I love the challenge of that life-style; the in-your-face, front-lines ministry, needing-Jesus-or-I-die, kind of life. I think that's why I love, and feel called, to the at-risk young people, the homeless, the inner-city addicts and the unfulfilled, urban Aboriginal people. Those are the people that you have to be real with, you have to live to a certain standard, and you have to have a faith and a love that is practical and overflowing with hope. I love the challenge that I receive in my own life from people like that. I could love and live with those people for the rest of my life.

That's why I love leaving. You never know what you might find and who you might meet. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without Tobago or Africa (I wouldn't have Amber in my life...). That's what I'm thankful for today--that Jesus called me to more life than I could have expected, and that I don't even have a grasp yet to all the hope, all the joy, all the amazingness that I will yet behold. Yah!

My fish is a jerk; just using me for the food...Amber

...but that's besides the point! Today I am so grateful for my school and the church God has placed me in (which is not always the case let me tell you). I was in the change room and was engaged in a conversation with a stranger in the mist of changing into my gym stuff...then it continued as she turned the corner and used the toilet! Can life really be any better when people are comfortable enough to talk to a complete stranger while changing and emptying your bowels?!!?
Okay cereal...I'm back in my home church amen! and lately I've really been feeling that God has been like "Okay Amber...back to the basics with you...shut up and sit down with Me because I love you and you need to know some stuff about Me" and weridly enough I haven't always been okay with that in a very indirect sneaky way. But coming back to Zion I was thinking...geez everyone is into all of this super deep spiritual stuff and God is bringing me back to the beginning...INSECURITY? definately. Went to C&C today and the first thing our leaders said was that they felt like God wanted us to go back to the foundation of the faith. I was like score God is so good! But in this book I've been reading (Searching for God knows what...thanks Ash) talks so much about how even though you can break the gospel down into four or five core points... That God gave us those "points" to describe who God is instead of giving us a formula to sprout off when we need a simple answer and that really it could be a way of an Almighty, Creative, Selfless God engaging a relationship with these beings who just need something to wrap their minds around. I dunno...all I know is I dunno...and that I really look forward to the search.

And I thought I was violent...Amber

I was reading this chapter in my Assessment Text about being able to assess for battered spouse abuse and what the signs are to look for and the questions to ask and was overwhelmed by the pictures I saw and the task that is at hand. Then we were updated this morning about what was going on in Zim and the seemingly unreachable tragedy that we can ignore tommorrow morning as usual (in order to even give them money someone has to phsycially go over there and place it in Pastor Immanuel's hand). And right before writing this blog I was watching on CBC a documentry on Rwanda and about the apathetic world who left an entire race to die on it's own. And as I sat in chruch this morning I'm SOO incredibly thankful that God has never left us hopeless. And I'm so incredibly thankful that he didn't create His bride...His body...His church to hide. I'm so incredibly thankful that it isn't His heart for us to stay behind these four walls, but that he is eager to equipe us, send us and love through us...Some Isaiah 42:7 action. And today instead of feeling helpless and perhaps a little useless...i was reassured that God's grace is big enough to save these people and that God's grace is definately bigger than I (again are we back to Christianity 101?!?)

Ash...where am I...

So I'm in Swift Current. Or "home" as it might be called. Coming home is always such a whirlwind of emotions--initially I'm really happy to see my family, but after a couple of days I remember why I live the life I now live. This has been a good couple of days home though (and not only because I'm broke so here I actually get fed for free--haha). It is in coming home that I see more clearly the hope to which I have been called to. Everytime I come back to this place I find myself more excited and motivated to go back to where God has for me. I have a fabulous family, and I love my hometown (Wymark) and I enjoy the church I go to while I'm here. But in this place my eyes seem to open wider and I look expectantly and with joy to the promises and the journeys that God has for my life. So today I am extremely thankful for the following:

For cloudy skys reminding me to enjoy the sun.
For journals and pens.
For Jesus--the dream-giver and dream-fulfiller.
For friends who actually know you and love you and miss you. (And for having friends that I know and love and miss--Hamba)
For hope--I don't know where I'd be without it.

Why are we where we are right now?

Running from the Storm....Amber

Today had a terrible start with a wonderful ending :)

I love running. I'm not sure why but it just feels nice to have your body moving. So I went for a run tonight on the roads behind my house (where there's only fields and trees and smelly lagoons). To the north(my right) there were these huge clouds coming and I could see the rain in the distance and I was heading right into this huge storm! the lightning looked like the Northen lights in reverse because they were dancing all over the sky! But I decided that it would be best not to run in the lightning and I took a left into the middle of someone's field. And all of a sudden it felt like the storm was chasing me because I could feel a few rain drops on the back of my calves and the thunder was sounding closer. So I ran a little faster...looked up and saw the moon straight ahead of me. When I was younger I loved to think that God was somewhere near the moon. Clarification: I did not pray/worship/offer any kind of cultic sacrifices to the moon, but I always talked to God at night outside so it was the light that was shinning. It felt SO amazing to be in the middle of this field running like I was back in Africa, amongst all this wild beauty, towards symbolically my God(again I don't worship moons...). Right when I got out of the field back onto a road I felt a few more rain drops on my lips and started to laugh. It could've downpoured right there and it would've been more than alright...but in the middle of this road in the middle of nowhere I felt so incredibly alive and close to my Saving King that 50 years in that moment would have been the gift I could ever recieve.

I'm so thankful that I can sit here and write about the gifts God gives me daily; just because they come daily and it's exciting the think about! And I'm so thankful I can read the things that are going on in my closest friend's life even though she seems worlds away! Ash I miss you!

Is there really nothing more than feelings?!...Amba

Aren't you glad that we feel things? honestly...I know most times they suck. Here's a list of things that I'm glad that I felt today:

1) I love the feeling of when you are really cold and then you go somewhere really warm...so when I was driving home I was switching back and forth between the A/C and heater!! SO much fun
2) Laying on the floor of your basement after dancing with nothing but silence because the cd is over but God is still there.
3) That there was a reason why I forgot my booklist in the store and that the person that I crossed paths with was up to talking for a couple of hours (honestly Lord...EVERY footstep?!?)
4)Watching a big fat sun soak in the clouds at dusk, sitting with an old friend next to the Lagoon.
5) FOOD! I think I ate the most amazing Chicken Ceasar Wrap at the Kiln tonight and Holly made it absolutely massive. The sick feeling afterwards isn't included on this list.
6) Children that still steal your heart...even with oceans between you!

I really have nothing else to say...

Ouchie...Amber

Okee everyone better appreciate this blog because I just landed on my drum trying to get here and now my leg is bleeding!

I just finished work and I've had such an overwhelming week. Just trying to wrap my mind around taking care of extremely sick children, sticking IVs into my fellow classmates, saying no to all of my hearts' desires, and dealing with a transitional youth group while tending to my bleeding self...has been less than desirable.

But back to the point of this blog...today! I was at work! and this older friend of mine is having a serious surgery next week and she's kinda worried (all surgery is major surgery). And all night I just wanted to hug her and pray for her... So before she left I asked if I could pray for her and she said yes but then disappeared. Then she came back and gave me this huge hug and a kiss and asked if I was praying and I got to pray for her at work and she started crying (and I wanted to cry but it seems like i never cry when I want to) and I want so despartely to see God heal her. And I got to give this beautiful friend of mine a Bible and it was so exciting because she was excited and it was just so amazing to sit back and watch God work; It's like this whole wooing process like between a guy and a gal. God is just so freakin romantic!

I passed the test!!! Amber

Heya! okay...work words!! School is starting tommorrow and I'm so pumped! This year Jesus and I have been talking and we're going to focus on being a student of the nursing type! No more cramming my life full of stuff...Finally the message has made the transfer from head to heart and then back to my head. Even thinking lately of Lord of the Rings and Steve Nash...like two totally different stories of dedication. People who have spent hours of labor and sacrifice in the name of"__________".

Not that obcession is always a good thing, but focussing can have it's benefits! And I've decided to dedicate myself to today. To right now...the things God has me in. Forget the fairy tale...forget the dream...forget the great goals of achievement. How incredibly romantic would it be if I could be everything God wants me to be for today? What could happen? AHHH! Why not dance today? Why not make that phone call today? Why get off your knees? Where is a better place?

So back to the test. There's this college volleyball team starting and long story short the college wants me to play. I got the schedule. 4 days a week freak out! At first i was so excited and just giddy about playing competitive again. And although this may be quite the minor thing to most people who read this... I love being on competitive teams and just think it's one of the bes things ever! This weekend in Brandon I was set on going to try outs tommorrow and then joining the team...making the time and money sacrifices. But I don't actually really like volleyball that much so I got thinking of why in the world I would want to make these sacrifices and what exactly am I sacrificing it for? Pride stepped in and the answer was obvious. But I truely think that it was a test to see my dedication to what God has called me to. To stop prostituting my life to whatever wanders in and be specific into what God wants me to be. Not just missions...not just nursing...but who I am today.

Ash...

"If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise." ~ Johann von Goethe

Today I felt satisfied with who I really am. With the real, true Ashley Lynn. I bite my lip as I say this but I actually am so glad that God brought me here to dog-sit. As a result I get to take him (Logan the dog) for walks at a truly beautiful place during my 2 favorite times of the day--dawn and dusk. The place is this dirt road on the outskirts of the city. This road runs parallel about 15 feet from the #2 highway on my left and about 15 feet from the fields on my right. As I walked there today, Jesus revealed something so transforming to me. All my life I've tried to figure out where I belong and who I really am--Do I belong on that side of the road or that side of the road? What am I really good at? Who am I really? It has always been a source of frustration for me to not be really good at one thing, but rather just kinda-good at alot of things. Everybody in high school had their one great talent that they were fantastic at and clearly defined who they were whilst I was more of just a collection of mismatched pieces. A dissapointed collection, because I wanted to be noticed for being something. Today on that road I realized that that's really who I am. To the glory of God I am a mismatch of kinda-good pieces, that all come together to form something fabulous. Today I am satisfied with being a walking contradiction--I am a city-girl and a country-girl. Drop me into the middle of New York City and me and my map will figure it out. Throw me into the Congalese jungle and me and my ninja senses will do the same. I am emotional and logical. I feel as comfortable sitting in a mansion as I do sitting with a homeless person. I love to travel--whether to Germany or to Safeway. I am so not funny and hysterically funny all at the same time. I am so simple and yet strangly complex. I could live in a tent on a mountain, or in the heart of the inner-city and still love where I am. I am organized and super-messy. I love planning and spontaneous adventure. I am a writer, an artist, a dancer and a dreamer. I love early mornings, late nights, being with friends and being alone. I am beautiful.

I have not already been made perfect, as Philippians 3 says, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. With joy and overwhelming peace I echo 1 Corinthians 15, "By the grace of God I, Ashley Lynn, am what I am." I rebuke the lies that attempt to trip me, confuse me, and kill me. I throw off the expectations that tell me who I am supposed to be and how I am supposed to act. I put on reckless abandonment to be whom Jesus calls His beloved. I am fully satisfied in my identity in Jesus and I hunger and long to have more and more of Him in my life that I might become more and more who He created me to be.

"In the world to come, I shall not be asked, 'Why were you not Moses', I shall be asked, 'Why were you not Zusya?'" ~Rabbi Zusya