Who's knocking at my soul?........Amber

"See, O LORD, how distressed I am! I am in torment within,and in my heart I am disturbed, for I have been most rebellious.Outside, the sword bereaves; inside, there is only death." Lamentations 1:20.
It's so werid reading in the Bible about when people who loved God who were tormented. So many times in the hospital you see people who are tormented by their disease or the pain that comes with thier disease (not just physical). At school you see people tormented about grades, expectations and success. Even youth that still email me from home...(one told me he was expelled from school, another just emailed me and said she was suspended). Their struggles are so real. So many times I feel like the solider in this picture. That I"m sitting up on the hill watching the battle happen and doing nothing. Sometimes my torment comes in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping and I dream about people dying and me being helpless. Last night I couldn't sleep for hours. Other times it comes out of fear of the future and the decisions I"m making right now that affect it. What if I get so caught up in my career that I miss out on what God is really doing? It seems like the older you get the more you have to lose. The more scared you become of failing, the more you forget to take risks. Yesterday I asked God on the way to school just for one opportunity to have an authentic opportunity to share Him to someone. Just one person out of this mess called life.
"Failure is often the context for miracles. We all want miracles, but we try to avoid needing them. But only sick people need healing, only people who are blind need to see, only people who are deaf need to hear, only people with leprosy need to be cleansed. Wouldn't it be great to be Lazarus experiencing the power of God raising you from the dead? Of course, there is a downside. You have to die in order for this to happen." Erwin McManus from "Seizing your divine moment"
There are so many days where I "get to" experience failure. There are so many questions that I don't know the answers to. There are so many insecurities that I allow to torment and limit me. BUT...I do know what I want. I want to run into the battle that God has asked me to engage in....I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines with my tears and dashed hopes and excuses. I'm even more tired of seeing the youth of this generation sitting there letting their destiny be stolen away from them without a fight. Why isn't anyone fighting anymore? Why am I not fighting anymore? I want to get to a point of no return; where nothing exists to hold me back.

But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. Jeremiah 20:9