strum strum strum my heart.....Amber

Well it's been a crazy last couple of days. And I started this blog at least 6 different times and I wonder if I'm actually going to finish this time! Hah! It's a toss up.

Whenever I sit down to type all of these feelings come up; I think that's my favorite part of blogging, just because sometimes I get so numb. I just LOVE to feel. Haha that sounds crazy right?! I always joke around and tell people that I want to hear some "I feel..." statements; but deep down I'm really interested in people's feelings; or my feelings and how they work. I think that's the great part about being a girl even though emotions could be a downfall.

I think my favorite feeling is "wonder". To be in awe or to not understand. When reason or logic is blown apart and nothing can be explained! But even mourning can be wonderful because mourners will recieve comfort and that's a great kind of love. "Dancing with Joy" is also an incredible emotion (and it's different than just regular joy). I love watching people fall in love just because I've never had a true deep experience of that kind and it's still just so irresistably mysterious! I hate not feeling anything and maybe that's why North American's apathetic nature can be so frustrating at times! ALSO....While talking to a friend about crying this past week...I was just remindeded of how much I would like to cry sometimes; you know, at appropriate times. But no. I am often found with dry eyes even though people I love are crying around me. It's a gift to be able to cry with someone and share that emotion together. And I mean obviously our lives can't be ruled by emotions and there's always a chance of that happening;

I think that's why I enjoy running. When I run I can feel the pavement, the air, the temperature, the pain, the sweat, the struggle...it's all so obvious. Or maybe that's why I find myself in these crazy situations where I never know what I'm doing or how I got there! I would rather experience something bad than nothing at all. Which goes with that I would rather love and give deeply til it hurt, than to stay on the surface level.

MY DREAM: Is to one day find myself in a place where I feel the most hatred possible toward someone (whether it be by hurting me or someone I love dearly)and then to have it miraculously replaced by God's love. To have that strong of love flow through you would be unimaginable! I don't know what would be a stronger knowing of God's love than that. ooOOoooOOo goosebumps!

I want to lay in the middle of a field during a storm and feel every single drop of rain land on my face and body.
What's your favorite emotion?

Ash...the beauty of dusk...

It's amazing how much better days can get. Today we moved from the place we have been staying to another guesthouse for a week. I didn't want to move for the week because I love where we stay, I have my Liz right above from me (a lady here who changes my life everytime we take--which is like everyday), and moving is just so hectic. I was right about it being hectic. My morning was spent like a chicken (Sophia) with its head cut off. But I finally moved my whole little team to our new beautiful guesthouse with a perfect view of the beach in our backyard and settled in. Then me and my friend Cher (who is visiting me from Canada) went by ourselves to this beautiful fancy hotel for lunch and a swim in their beautiful pool. We just chatted, relaxed and it was amazing. I finally got to unwind and just release all the stuff that I never have anyone to talk to about. Have a friend here is just amazing. If any other of my friends want to come visit I'd love it.

Anyways, I'm preaching on Sunday, and I feel like God has given me a word to share but I'm really afraid to share it. It's going to really hard. I havn't had to share anything for quite sometime that I was actually passionate about and that the Lord was so clear to me about. The last time I had such a strong word was in the Bulowayo, Zimbabwe when I shared about the fear of God. It was such a poweful word in my spirit. I think my fear of sharing this Sunday comes from a holy desire to want to clearly give the word God has given to me, without messing it up or anything. It's already Thursday evening and I'm still not entirely clear on the whole word yet so I'm just waiting on God to make it perfectly clear to me. I don't doubt God's ability to share his word, but I'm very much made of flesh and I just want to make the Father proud. Once I finish and have the whole word written out I'll post in on here because I really do think Jesus is saying something powerful and I feel like somebody else who reads this is supposed to hear it. If you pray, please pray that I will serve the king faithfully and in Holy Spirit power this Sunday.

I love dusk. Jesus met me at the ocean at dusk tonight. It was beautiful.

Pic number two....Amber

Yaya! this picture finally turned out! Still missing you tons Ash! Don't do anything that's more wrong than funny....

Hmm...something God has shown me today is....that you truely do find out what is important to you on day 4 of vomit/sniffling nose/sore throat/sneezing. Serious. Maybe it's just the drugs speaking...
but sometimes it's nice to know clearly what matters to you; what you cancel and what you stick through. I've had so much time to just lay and write in my journal and just talk to God; To read the word and have time to ponder. Hmmm...reading the Bible while on drugs; well it's been a werid perspective but credible none the less. now I need to sleep (it's like 7:30pm)

scrape my body off the floor......Amber

It's funny the things we do to our bodies. I was running in this race on Saturday, where you have to see how many 800m runs your team can do in 2 hours. And we were all really competitive so we ended up running 8 3mintue half miles in total and getting second for Red River. But my body is a reck right now. I haven't been able to keep much down since Saturday and everything hurts. It didn't hurt at the time...but I remember on my last couple of laps looking around and wondering why in the world we would do something as stupid as exhausting our bodies by running around in circles like little hamsters.
Same thing in life. Why run ourselves to the point of exhaustion? What is it that drives us? What attracts us to things that seem so good but end up just draining us? I'm reading a book called "Ordering Your Private World" and it talks about the difference of being driven vs. being called. And it's just amazing to look at the reason why we do things.
No more scurrying around. Time to rest. I came out of the washroom the other day at YFC thinking...I just can't wait for the day when I don't have to be a leader in position. Just would be able to love people/kids without all the other junk on top of it. I wonder if there will ever be days like that again. But that's okay because that's not today; and today is a good thing in itself. :)

Ash Am picture update.....Amber

Hey Ash I know you're far away but here is a pic from Moosejaw that I finally got developed! So many more funny ones to follow! Missing you lots and hope to hear from you soon!!!

More than words....Amber

Awesome song. Something that God has shown me these last few weeks is the value of words...or maybe the lack there of. And I know that I'm going to come across sounding bitter but I think I've found a lot of wisdom through it. I can just think back and see multiple times of me believing someone's words or changing my life according to what someone has told me...only to be really misled, dissappointed or manipulated. What's another word for that? Naive?!? Not that I'm now some kind of extremist who refuses to believe anything that anyone tells me...I'm just finding it interesting to sit back and watch at how closely people's words correspond with their actions. And it's been challenging me to be selective at what I tell people.

Here's a great story...this week I found out that it would cost me 110 dollars to go to Sr. High (a youth conference in Sask. that i really wanted to go to). And that it wasn't going to be covered like I thought...which is fine, but I don't HAVE 110 dollars. I mean I haven't been paid for about a month and a half and I"m a student. So basically I told the leadership and the kids I was going to take that I can't go unless God provided the money...blah blah blah and that it wasn't likely that I was going. So on Tuesday I was talking to a friend from Dryden (the registration had to be in for Wed to get a spot with Zion) and he asked if I was going...and to make a long story short he felt that he was supposed to pay for my expenses...WHICH IS AWESOME!!

But then I was thinking...well he said that he would send the money; and it's not that I don't trust him...but I wanted to wait until the money actually came in before telling Zion for sure that i was going and that I made plans (getting people to cover my classes for me...etc). And today the money came in the mail and everything is set...which is AWESOME! SO some serious praise the Lord action...WOOT!

My point is...If faith without works doesn't make sense, then words without actions would probably be pretty similar:

James 2:14-17
What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

This has nothing to do with Valentines day.....Amber

I read a Ashely's blog and stole this idea from her. I thought it would be fun/interesting to recollect.

10 Years Ago: (I was 11 and in Grade 6 I think)
~ I started journalling actually. I could probably write down some of my thoughts from back then but that could be a little sketchy...
~ I think I was a teacher's pet...was in STef's class
~ My teacher was the bball coach thus started my love for bball. But I got cut in grade 7

5 Years Ago: (middle of grade 11)
~ Started attending Zion and Downpour hardcore
~ My three closest friends were Paul, Brad and Jeff...it was a crazy year
~ dedicated my life to healing past wounds

2 Years Ago: (RRC/Stonewall)
~ Was halfway done my first year of College (CPN) but it was pretty easy so all I did was play bball! haha kinda just kidding.
~ Had decided with Pastor Bruce that we(youth) should go to Zambia
~ WAs working as a youth leader/pastor

Today:
~ Hung out at Seven Oaks General hosptial for 8 hours...literally
~ Drove to Riverton to speak at a friend's youth group; got terribly lost on the way. Man do I need to start listening when people give me direcitons. STOP ZONING OUT!!
~ Registered for Sr. High which is a miracle because I didn't have the money but at the last minute... yesterday someone I was talking to said that they felt lead to pay my way to Sr. High...so here we go! woot!

Let that be enough...Amber

Well it's 8:24pm and yes it's the beginning of what looks to be a great all nighter! Esspecailly if I continue to procastinate like I"m already doing! I find that I usually have one day a month where I must stay up all night to get caught up with everything....because it is all due. But I never usually blog because it's just so depressing!
BUT there have been many an amazing parts of this hell-on-earth-school work ethic of mine. Like in the middle of this craziness I got the most super, fantastic, encouragement for the pits of despair letter/card from Ash which was completely unexpected and beautiful!
And yeah. Whenever I know that I have to stick things through...I can always hear the Quiet Voice saying, "it will all get done". And I know it will! I was playing basketball the other day and I realized something about one of my friends I play with. Whenever I miss a shot or make a stupid pass...inside I'm like FREAKING out thinking "HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO STUPID!!!" and no matter where he is on the court I can hear my friend saying, "it's okay, the next one's yours" or "good choice/drive/shot". And I just appreciate the quiet whisper of reason...and maybe truth.
And so even though I go through these whirlwinds of crying out to God because there isn't anything else to do that makes sense...In the middle of that I just really appreciate His quiet whispers of reason.

Times are all about the changing.....Amber

So Saskatoon eh? I could spend this whole blog telling stories of the super amazing encourgement I've receieved along the journy (if you could call it that...)from several people including Stefani (best Bible College roomate I've ever had!), James, Michelle, Heidi, Wendy and Nicole. Most of these people don't even know it. But it was awesome! Keep the piercings coming!

But it has been a great weekend of allowing God to give me a new perspective on things. Just being out of situations and getting out of my little Winnipeg/Stonewall bubble always is a breath of fresh air where I can escape my circumstancial, student mentality. And since I've been back (which includes Monday and today) it seems like EVERYTHING is changing again. Which is AWESOMe because I really do love change! I mean just the fresh, unknown that awaits us, esspecially at this age where bascially you can do anything, just exhilarates me!! WOOT!
I'm reevaluating my current ministry situation (which will be definately different by the end of this week; in a good way), I had two AMAZING new job offers, was asked to play on a basketball team for the summer (senior womens) and I'm finally getting things in gear for things to start happening at Stony Mountian Institute! So life is exciting and every morning can never be predicted! Thank you Lord for knowing me so well!

Ash...still alive...

HELLO! No, I have not dropped off the face of the planet. In fact I’ve just moved about halfway down it, and have not been good at finding time to email. In case you haven’t been following the blog or just forgot, I am in Tobago leading a LifeForce team. It’s been good and really busy. My days are really full--even when we’re not in a school or ministering, I am kept busy with team and administration things. There is so much to do and remember as a leader. It’s a really great learning experience and growing experience, despite and considering the difficult times. I’ve thought quite a few times since arriving here that leading a team is actually harder than I expected. If I’m not meeting with teachers, principals, or pastors, I’m with the team, trying to love them and move them closer to Jesus. I feel inadequate for such a great responsibility but God is extremely gracious and He is the one who has called me here. I’ve actually had a really hard time adjusting to the culture this time, despite having spent 4 months here before. I’ve realized that it’s probably because I have so many things that I have to be in control of that I’m missing just having to be responsible for myself. But anyways, it’s been good and God is really great. I’m really seeing Him in a new way. Out of a really deep loneliness and longing to connect with someone, I’m turning to Him and relying on Him in a really new and deep way. Plus it’s been really hard for me to find time to email and receive news from home and friends so that’s also been a catalyst for the deepening of my relationship with Jesus.

I would really just like to encourage any of you reading to really seek out the reason that God has you where you are right now. It’s not any mistake or accident that you live where you live, work where you work, go to school where you do, or have the friends and family that you have. God has something for you where you are and He has you there for an specific purpose. It’s only in looking back on your life that you can see the different seasons of your life and the lessons you learned through them. Motivate yourself to seeking out the will of God for today. I’m realizing more and more the beauty of obedience. That we would wait and anticipate His voice and then be recklessly abandoned to obeying it--satisfying the heart of God for today. I had to speak at a youth group last night and the Lord really laid on my heart obedience to the plans of God. I was reminded of the calling of Levi. Once day Jesus just walked by Levi sitting at his tax collector booth and calls out, “Follow me.” Levi, without hesitation, excuse, or reasoning, just gets up, leaves his booth behind, and follows after Jesus. Are we so willing? Are we so obedient? Because today, and right now, Jesus is calling out to us to follow him. To be obedient to His voice. History is ripe with stories of the crazy things followers of Jesus did. Everything from ark-building to martyrdom, God has called out to His children. Why are you where you are right now? Tune your ear to His voice and see if there might be something Jesus has for you right now. Maybe he’ll ask for cartwheels down the street or a conversation with the person sitting on the other side of the room. Regardless, He longs to see you light up and spew that light all over the world. So let’s actively listen for His voice and recklessly obey it.

I love you Amber and miss talking with you so much. I can’t to hear the stories of this season for you! Much much love to you! (Say hi to your family from me!)

choices make the world digest itself......Amber

Heya. Ok. I can sometimes be impulsive. But I was driving home from school one day and i decided to quit one of my jobs. so I pulled into the parking lot of Interlake Publishing and I said my thank yous and then said good bye for good. Now you are probably thinking...meh, people quit their jobs all the time, no big deal. Well I've had this job since I was 16 years old. 5 YEARS!! I mean it was a huge part of my life (all the people I worked with...etc) and yet it was all gone in like 5 minutes. I still can't believe I did it...but I think it was the right decision....I know it was. I think God's allowing me to dettach myself from certain things... and even certain opinions of things. I'm in this werid compulsive state right now where I could quit everything and start up somewhere else and that would be more than perfectly fine. So I'm going to Saskatoon for the weekend. WOOT!