Ash...chioniso...

Today was a hard day. I was so discouraged because it seems like my faults are so obvious that everybody needs to talk to me about what they see that needs to change. I appreciate people's honesty and I know that God is doing a deep work in my character and such, but I get such little encouragement from people here. Then about 5 minutes ago I got an email from my beloved friend Kay-lo and I am overwhelmed by how amazing she is and how thankful I am that she is in my life. Thanks K for the words of encouragement. I needed them like desert needs rain. I'm playing piano in worship tomorrow and will be praising God as though your prophetic worship was raining over, with and in me. My roomate asked me what the best day of my life was so far, and it has taken me days to think about it but I think today I have decided what probably ONE of the best days ever was--in Zambia, though things were so crappy and hard and spiritually I thought I might die, you (katie) and I went to the chapel and began to worship God. The Holy Spirit took over and I had never been so overwhelmed by the Power and intensity of intercessory, prophetic worship. In such a dark time, the floodlight that that brought to my soul is unforgetable. I love you.

Ash...out of brokenness...

It is only here that I can worship God out of my brokenness.

God is most present when I am weak. Should I not therefore be most thankful when I am broken, in pain, and in upsetting circumstances? In my deepest place of dissatisfaction and insufficiency, there is the greatest opportunity for me to really see Jesus. It's not usually my tendency to look with optimism and gratefulness when I am in that place though. My tendency is to get angry and upset, to want to give up and run away. I need a change of heart. I need new eyes to really see my soul. When it seems most destroyed and hopeless, it is actually then that thankfulness to God is best given. I want rejoicing to be the first thing on my lips when life around me gets the darkest. I want my priority to be to look for the Holy Spirit in that moment. Instead of grumpiness, bitterness, and cynism, I want to be hidden away in the overwhelming strength, sufficiency, and beauty of the Holy Spirit.

Someday I will be with Him in heaven and will be made perfect. I will love perfectly, live perfectly, and see perfectly. It is only here on earth that I can worship out of brokenness. He is made perfect in my imperfection.

Thank You for that. Amen.

Ash...oh today...

I am so tired but I just need to remember how awesome this day turned out. I would journal it in my actual journal but at this moment I can type way faster than I can write and speed is of the essence. I had a really crappy day today. It started out basically from the moment I got out of the shower and LifeForce had a crisis that I had to deal with, then I had to organize a bunch of stuff for the Feast of Praise and everybody was just being really confrontational and argumentative with me about the decisions I had to make that did not please them. Then my day got better when I got stuck taking Arielle to get her passport. I was dissapointed because today was the one day I could have gone to the Operation Christmas Child building but instead, due to Nathan's forgetfulness, it was off the the passport office for me. It actually was fun--after getting the passport, Arielle just shared with me all the cool stuff God is doing in her life and I remembered why I love LifeForce and why I wanted to follow God here. I love spending time with these people and hearing their hearts, sharing in their struggles, and being a witness to all the amazingness that God is doing in their lives. I bought milkshakes for the two of us, then we sat in the Devonion Gardens and played Phase 10. Soon after this life got drastically more difficult as I went to the Feast of Praise and was running all over the place trying to help get done what had to get done. The Feast was good and worship was nice and it was so great seeing some old friends. Afterwards though I was sharing with my friend James about how crappy this day had kind of been. He said that he hoped my day would get better. I was like, "ok freak it's like 9 pm, my day is kind of late for getting better." But possibly most days that end really wonderful are the ones that start a bit worse. He told me that there was still a good chance this day could turn around. And it did. Right after that I got stuck washing dishes; I had a "water-type-fight" with Larry Moore; I played with a hoola-hoop with Dan and Sonja...and I actually found myself laughing and smiling. Now I'm tired. But God reminded me of some dreams He gave me for my life a long time ago and it feels so good to know that He hasn't forgotten and in fact is preparing the road ahead of me. It would make me overwhelmed with joy to be more tired than this everyday if I can spend the rest of my life delighting in God and in the people He puts in my life. Thank you Holy Spirit. Pour your Holy fire and hope into these dreams. Prepare me to do all that God made me for and has called me to be. Overwhelm me in the morning with joy and the hope of a new day surrendered to You, and satisfy my heart as I lay myself in thankfulness and peace of a day well spent. Time is drawing near so I pray You Holy Spirit would make tomorrow full of opportunities, full of awareness and courage so I'll take those opportunities, and full of love and power so I may be like my Jesus in each one. Thank you. Amen.

Still loving imperfectly with the hope and expectation of Fearless Love,
Ashley

The best potential your life has to turn around is when it's late in the day and night is falling--the darkness makes it easier to see the light.

How could it be any better than this? Amber

Hey this is going to be short. I started on the ward at 6:30 this morning (meaning that I've been up since 4:30am) and got home at 5:30pm...right now it's 8pm and I"m still trying to study. It's been a REALLY hard day. But as I am sitting here trying not to pass out, I realize that coming out of the struggle of just today, has been worth it. It's wonderful to struggle and then come out of that struggle. I can't really explain it...but the victory is worth the battle! Ahoy!

Ash...once upon a time...

I read a friend's blog and stole this idea from him. I thought it would be fun/interesting to recollect.

10 Years Ago: (I was 11 and in Grade 7)
~ just entered junior high and was lonely cause my I left my best friend back in Grade 6
~ started in drama (haha)
~ started visiting my birth mom

5 Years Ago: (Started Grade 12)
~ was the "president" of my youth group
~ helped start an outreach ministry in Swift called Daybreak Ministries
~ was filling out applications to go to Trinity Western University for journalism

2 Years Ago: (Working at LifeForce office)
~ was living with the fabulous Joy Benson (now Green)
~ was working with the amazing Katie McLellan
~ was re-evaluating my life

Today:
~ went to the drug rehab/drop-in centre to visit a new friend
~ had an encouraging talk with Lindsay about how I'm doing with the whole leadership thing
~ willingly gave my team a day off from drama to watch a movie

Hmmm...what a strange life. Jesus is really teaching me to be satisfied with where I am and to still live each day to the fullest. I'd rather live in love tomorrow instead of in grumpiness and cynism. Jesus is also revealing to me how all the moments of my life--the small, the triumphant, the lonely, etc--are all woven together by Him to develop my character and create in me His likeness. Now it's time to sleep.

disembodied head...that is what I am...Amber

Hi there. This will be quick. I had a REALLY bad day today and honestly I felt like I was on edge (I went to the gym like 3 times). I lost my student card that I really needed for an exam (it's been like 5 since I've started school) so I did the usual and went up to get my picture done. Well turns out that I was wearing a white jogger and that it blended right into the background...making me look like I just have a floating head. AWesome right? I was just in such a bad mood that I couldn't even take a picture right that it took me 5 more tries to get it done! ARGH

Then I totally forgot about my important physio appointment to get my casting done and Perry called asking me to drop by the drop in center and everything got crazy. But as my foot was drying...it forced me to relax and center myself around Jesus again. I literally sat there and MADE myself say that "Jesus is really the only thing that matters in light of eternity" over and over again until finally something hit my heart. And then I went to YFC and it was the best night yet. I could write more about the crazy kids I met but this would get too long.

Yes more evidence that I am a rediculous idiot, but that God likes those kind :)

Where are we going with this? Amber

It's monday afternoon and school is done for the day. I cannot count the times I've thanked God for such amazing instructors/profs. They honestly just amaze me daily with their patience and involvement in our lives. Because school can literally feel like your life at times. Monday-Friday 8-4pm then countless hours of studying. It can even take over your thought life. BIO-DOME!! It's nice to feel that we aren't just a 9-5 job for them...haha I am often calling my teachers at home! I just feel like I need to express this publically because I don't want to seem like a suck up here at school. I'm so inspired by them. I'm actually in a place right now where I really love school. yeah I know...only took 2.5 years. werid with a beard...

But all of this has lead me to think of the people who influence me in my life. My friends (word...I could go on for pages...PAGES!), my family, my church...the people I work with at Argus...YFC...the list honestly goes on...

BUT...lately even as so much has been happening with YFC, school, work etc...I've let my thoughts drift towards the whole world of relationships. Because honestly...it's freaking interesting. I've stepped back from dating I've been spending extra time watching. Watching how other people treat each other, recieve, perceive, sacrifice and compromise. Esspecially what they compromise. It's unique what you can see in those moments when you aren't so fully caught up in yourself!! And it's not that I'm critical or judging or hard hearted, because I love the idea of love (and that's a whole other topic on it's own) and am quite willing to wait for it. But after coming back from Saskatchewan, many phone conversations, coffees and stories of rape and other atrocities...how is there hope? And no this blog isn't another attack on guys because yes I know girls can't claim any innocence, but it all seems so dark.

YES! I know this blog is about the greatness of God in our daily lives and that's exciting right? Even as I've been processing all of this and making my own opinions/ideas, God has been involved(which surprises me for some reason). There is not a day that has passed without God showing me a piece of Himself in our opposing gender. And it's usually pretty random and I often don't know the person at all. And instead of feeling like I have some kind of weakness by thinking about "relational stuff" I've been trying to learn what in the world it means to "bring God into it". To take my fingers out of my ears and stop saying "lalalala" while distracting myself with other obcessions. To grow up and get wisdom instead of putting on some self-rightous act. Haha and even to take myself a little less seriously. Ahoy! I just say a big AMEN to God being involved in all of this and I'm not sure what else to say about that!

Ash...long ago...not so long ago...

Today I was reminded again that come January I'm really leaving this place. This city. These people. There have been many hard days since I came to Calgary, but there have also been so many wonderful moments--the good, the bad, it was all woven together by Jesus. I'm realizing how much I'm going to miss some people and things here. I have some fabulous friends here that have become like family; I have a great church that I've loved being a part of; I love the ministry opportunities I've had here...so many things. This is the land where God broke me, where I wandered, where I felt almost every emotion, where He put me back together...this is where me and Jesus had our honeymoon and worked out our relationship. But even today I know that it's time to push on. That there is so much more and so much deeper to go. It requires more of my time and energy, but I want to spend it all on Him. If it's one thing I know (and something I wish I didn't forget) is that I may go all over this globe and meet a billion people, do a thousand things, but Jesus is my constant. He is my Only. My Rock, my Friend, my Father. Everything shifts and changes, including myself and the scenery, but He remains.

Lord I give you my heart again. I'm sorry for the time I spend being busy or tired instead of looking to you and just being with You. Thankyou for being my One. Draw me near as I draw near to You. I love you. Your love is extravagant in my life. Clothe me in that. Amen.

SNOW DAY!!! Amber

Snow...everywhere...can't make it...oh wait I'm inside...and have been inside ALL DAY!! mwuahaha!! So great! No school today! that's never happened with RRC! Ahoy!
But what I want to say is that this is like the definition of a REAL holiday. There's no way on earth that any of us could leave the house today so it forced us to take an actual day of rest where we aren't running around like crazy people! Because even on holidays everyone always seems to get so busy anyways so why bother have a holiday. So me and Jess sat all morning and conquered the dominion of Donkey Kong and had a chance to just hang out together. That was basically the gist of why my day was so awesome

who knew Sask was so much fun?!? Amber

Heya..Saskatchewan eh? never knew how much fun was there! Got a chance to hang out with THE Stefani Allan in CPC!! Even slept in her bed! mwuahah! We both got piercings; mine on my lip. (what's a better souveiner?) And I got a chance to hang out with the SCA youth! Highlight of Stoon? definately see how freaking awesome Stef is doing up there and she challeneged me so much as usual with her non traditional self!! And also with her relationship with Jason! When I first arrived, all I was hearing was horror stories from all of these girls (well actually just a couple) about these terrible guys! Don't you ever find that you just need proof that healthy relationships DO occur? Thanks Stef!

THEN it was great seeing the Ash of the pee! we actually didn't get to talk much but it was nice to watch her and the team do a kick butt job at this church in Moosejaw! This team is honestly stacked! great stories to come! Thanks for the five minute hug ASH! missing you!

Then okay lastly today...I was wearing my "Rock for Life" hoodie and it says on the back "You will not silence my message; You will not mock my God; You will stop killing my generation" And it's from an anti abortion company in the states. I usually get really negative comments but today was AWESOME! I was getting some coffee from my usual coffee place and the man behind the til started reading the message out loud. And he turns to me and says "Beautiful...Just beautiful". Turns out that he was an anti-abortion protester in 1979 and got arrested in Winnipeg for breaking into an Abortion clinic and destroying it and smashing it to pieces! AMAZING story! He went on to vividly describe his hatred for abortion! I just found that so uncommon in general, never alone in males! It was such a God thing on so many different levels...

Ash...happy ministry weekend...

Well tomorrow I am off to Moose Jaw Saskatchewan with my team for ministry weekend. I am nervous excited. It'll be the first time my students do any kind of drama and speaking in front of people, and I have this "mothering" feeling that I hope they do well so that they don't feel bad about themselves later. I just want to see them do awesome and I truly think they will. Send a little shout out to the Holy Spirit on our behalf. There are a couple of wonderful things about this weekend--I'll get to spend the night at my grandparents house tomorrow night (Yah!), I'll get to see my best friend Cher in Moose Jaw, and little Hampoo herself will be coming through Moose Jaw so I'll get to see her for a brief but beautiful moment on Sunday! It'll be a good time. My third and probably last ministry weekend with LifeForce...wow. Jesus please be with us. Holy Spirit I pray that You would equip us, and be so very evident in every word we speak, drama we do, and in every opportunity we get to minister to kids at Joe's Place. Ok.

Oh yes, I would also like to wish a VERY VERY VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to AMBER!!!!! She turned the big 2-1 today. I am overjoyed that she was born this day 21 years ago and that I have been so blessed to have her in my life and to be a witness of Christ in her. She constantly inspires me, challenges me, and loves me...all three of which are used by Jesus to transform me more into His likeness. I love you girl!! Happy Birthday!!

whew....Amber

whewwww...Africa presentation done.
I'm tired...and really don't want to type in this thing.
I am grateful for happy endings.
Leaving youth was the right thing to do...leaving on a good note.
I just wish the happy ending was easier.

Ash...love soon...

It turned out to be a beautiful day. I had a fight with someone I care alot about today, but decided that I care too much about him to not apologize. Why is it that those that we truly care about we tend to beat against? I guess probably because I know that I'll be forgiven and love and grace will be given to me. Leading a team is hard sometimes. To be honest, most days I don't know what to say to bring hope and healing to the broken and seeking around me. I make mistakes, procrastinate, and feel overwhelmed. But there is something beautiful about weakness. Something that I'm really not even seeing yet. I keep hoping that one of these days I'll have an epiphany or grand miracle that ruins me for the world, but I don't think it'll come in a lightning bolt. I think it's coming in bits and pieces. In forgiveness, in fondly thinking of the ones I love, in hearing a homeless man's story, in seeing young people turn their eyes more fully to the face of Jesus--I'm starting to realize that these and so many more are the pieces that make up the beautiful life Jesus has prepared for me. The sun hanging low in the sky no longer summons the darkness of night, but rather call out a last promise of light given and light returning. So I sleep in peace and wake in hope. Tomorrow I'll likely say things I'll regret and do things I'll wish I could take back, as I did today. But maybe, and more likely, I'll see the face of Jesus in my homeless friend on the street, hear Jesus in the words of a student discovering Love, and feel Jesus in the hug of someone who continues to love me as what I one day will be. Praise God for that.

Ahoy for the manna...Amba

I was at work today and it was odd. First of all I had at least 20 different people tell me that they loved my new hair cut (when I haven't had my hair cut and have had my hair the same way for quite some time...) and secondly that I heard an incredible story from a seeminly ordinary woman. She had just moved here from up north because in Feb her 16yo daughter was murdered and was dealing with court! It was the most fascinating/horrifying story I've heard in a long time and I wouldn't even know how to share it with you if I tried. This woman has gone through SOOO much and is under so many meds and counselling. I couldn't offer her anything but Jesus but she wasn't there yet....

I love God. I can love the wilderness at times. But I can't imagine the desert without manna.

"The full acting out of the self's surrender to God therefore demands pain: this action, to be perfect, must be done from the pure will to obey, in the absence, or in the teeth, of inclination".
-C.S. Lewis

hummm da la duh......Amber

Do you ever have weeks that are just really werid? And you don't even know how to describe it and almost perfer to ignore it...
It was a werid week.
The weekend was good...even great! There was this conference with lots of people and lots of excitment about what God is going to go in the days ahead...lots of prophecy and GREAT worship. Plenty of stirring up of the desires that are in everyone's hearts.
And that's the thing that gets to me. The whole "stirring up" of things. Like what does that mean? we get all pumped up about something (can be emotional or can be God) and then Monday morning comes.
I'm just SO tired of living with all of this...stuff...in my heart, and then watching as I compromise it everyday. Instead of talking to that person I put my headphones back on. Instead of studying I play basketball. Why is there such a gap from my heart to my everyday life? That can't be normal.
Anywho...so what if I believe in post-moderenism-Christianity or not...if I had felt something last weekend...if it doesn't change the lives of the people around me and the actions behind my heart. Who are they really seeing when they look at me? Wouldn't it be great to be the shadow of God? to have no weight and to never deal with the pride that comes with spot light (because shadows can't exist in sport lights! mwuahah).
I know these are all pretty random but I like it when God is random and I like it when I feel Him pushing me past my crap. AMEN